Depression is a language .... suicide is real.

You write so eloquently about sensitive things. @Sophia1 Thank you.

I know I can be a bit technical in my language sometimes, but i am beginning to understand it as a yearning for understanding and knowledge, and attempt to be objective and reality based. Maybe a kind of reaction to the diagnoses of my parents with the "delusions" apparently associated with Schizophrenia. I tried hard to be grounded and based in fact and it has helped with my survival. I then realised I was too academic and tried to simplify my language and expressions. I just did not have ready words for my feelings, so glossed over the top with a casual friendly manner to get on with the pressing essentials I had to face (the wash, the bills and the food etc).

It did not mean I did not have sensitive feelings. I have many and they go deep. I still do not have ready words for them but slowly am getting better at reading my feelings. Mostly through first 50 years of life I had to stuff my feelings down, so this is new for me, and the forum has been very helpful. For my writing, reading and relating with others.

I love your writing. Dont stop. I can be longwinded, and then cut my self short. Maybe I need to find middle ground.

I can respond to the same word differently depending on context and also my concerns at the time.

The "different" word can be tricky. I know some people go out of their way to be different and stand out and take that as a way of being an individual. It can also be an acceptance of the uniqueness of each person.

@Owlunar

Thanks. You matter to me too. Just acknowledging my post is more than enough. I am aware what suits one person may not be right for another. Also, though the issues are very triggering, the silence can be worse.

The book mentions a high school with a suicide cluster. It is terribly sad to read, but is the first reading I have found on the matter. Dealing with clusters needs to be nuanced. I do not even get to tell a quarter of my story before I am frequently tarnished with blame in the matter. This book helped give me perspective.

@Sophia1 I will look for the Robert Grant book. It is similar to the path I have travelled as the Buddha,Teresa of Avilla and other theologians are a huge part of my survival story sincle the early 1980s.

.

Hi @Appleblossom

You are right - silences can be devastating - and I do hear you.

You wrote

I do not even get to tell a quarter of my story before I am frequently tarnished with blame in the matter. This book helped give me perspective.

This is true - I have had some of this myself - it's as if we could go back into the past and change something - drat - everything - and there are many things we could change if we could - maybe it's better than we can't.

Suicide is so permanent. Aw - it is such a hard subject.

My son was an impetuous teenager - who knows what he was really thinking - I know he was intent on whatever he had in mind. My cousin though - was in his forties and had a life of success through a lifetime of ill health - I find it harder to forgive him though - eventually I might

I do listen to stories though - I want to hear what happened - the blame game is so futile - and after all - those of us left behind have a life-time of sorrow that can only be endured - hopefully accepted

My deepest feelings

Dec

Yes @Owlunar The reasons behind teen and mature adult are often different. Also the relationships effect the grief journey.... mother, sister, cousin, niece, DIL .... etc ....all different.

I love thinking of you on the other side of the bay. I was in Brighton last night. We were all singing our hearts out, with masks, seated a full 2 or more metres apart. Not sure if concert will go ahead, but very grateful for the opportunity to get together again and rehearse after all the lockdowns.

((((( @Appleblossom @Owlunar 🌷💐☀️)))))

Thank you for your thoughtful and very kind response @Sophia1 yes, to breath.

simple but also very hard to do until I realise I am going numb!

We will be going camping for a few days/week to try connect with nature.

Thank you 💞

Hello @Anastasia thank you also for your kindness. Hard to put words together ATM it is nice to know that others have 'seen' me. I am so up and down and need to take a break. I don't want to hurt anyone. Thank you 💞

@Appleblossom In tears ATM reading all these lovely comments. I won't delete but I do need a short break, getting harder to control my brain. Going camping. Thank you.

@Appleblossom

Tried responding earlier on iPhone

not my expertise

apologise for lack of capitals and punctuation

as am back on iPhone

have lost previous attempts

why I have no clue

a part of my world with technology now

I relate to your words

I can write an essay in response of course

I have become to understand so much of the language of schizophrenia at the same time recognising the ever so brief moments of my family member. So many truths if one listens and hears..stories told later to be reported on ABC or sbs months and months later .....Invaluable He has such high intelligence Nothing compares. At the same time the constant phone calls are draining although connecting in his own way. My belief... He needs to know that someone is listening. Boundary setting when crossing the line of respect. Several statements made to alert end of call imminent be it lack of respect or my current situation.
love him to the moon and back, no different to my other son. Love my boys equally.

I recognise your self esteem growth and your expressions are not graded as in education or even community. Those areas are inclined to make one feel isolated no matter the achievement.

You have already achieved so much within living.

You do not need written approval.

Life is about accepting you. Avoid all vanity and self indulgences of others.

You are on the right path as you have already noticed.

I know that you are becoming your own ongoing.

love it as am on the same journey of learning...experiences different

look at us appleblossum.. friends always.. learning always..life with friendships

Xx

Contemplation of Art helps me, but I cannot find a copy of the sculpture I saw this week irl that I loved with an adult son with mother.

@Former-Member Love that you are taking time out in the bush with family

@Anastasia

@Owlunar

The pieta is a dreadfully powerful concept and image. You are a strong woman.

@Sophia1 Thank you so much. It is good to hear your son is still in contact and you are setting boundaries for respect. If he is becoming better able to respond to you with respect and find a way to manage his own pain, there is a path and hope.

Abstract Mother and son art to allow for space for his intelligence. Please accept it in the best way for you both.