My Choice

I've been a miserable c*** for a long long time. Most of you guys have probably seen me struggling a bit on here of late. It's been brutal to be honest.

I gave up a lot to be with my ex, one being substance use, wasn't even allowed to have a smoke let alone anything else.

I've been on the straight and narrow for years, taking my "medication" going to therapy. But still been a miserable c*** and trapped in a cycle of shit.

I quite honestly had forgotten what it's like to not feel depressed and suicidal and constantly torture myself with past trauma. I'm done with it. Seriously fu*king done with doing things that other people think are best for me. Only I'm in my head, it should only ever be up to me to decide how to treat my depression. I'm so fu*king done with all this shit that doesn't ever fu*king work. I'm never giving weed up again, not for anyone, ever.

This morning I actually wanted to get out of bed, that's never happened. Today I went for a jog and actually enjoyed it. Today I ate food, and didn't spew afterwards. Today I didn't get stuck thinking about offing myself. Today I laughed, danced, sang, and I feel like a different person. I feel good.

And I don't mean I'm going to sit around and get baked all the time. Just enough to get a buzz, you wouldn't even know I've had a hit. I feel so fu*king good and I miss feeling good like this.

I wanna go off my AD's, have an app with gp in a couple weeks so will talk to her about it. Done with these meds, done with therapy, done with not doing what actually makes me feel better.