Burnt out but plodding along

Hello @EmilyS

I've just come across your post and it is now nearly 1.30 am. Consequently, I am writing you a note to say hello, and I will come back again tomorrow.

I can understand the difficulties that you are facing. I returned, from being away from home, in my late teen years, to find my brother bringing home cartons of beer for my mother, who was drinking excessively. I was gradually able to reduce the drinking and Mum subsequently, having realised her situation, actually abstained from alcoholic drinks for about 40 yrs. Mum lived with me for most of the last ten years of her life. That was a healing and precious time for me, as I believe and hope that it was for her also.

Those early days were certainly a difficult time for me. And, like you, I had an ambivalent relationship with my mother at that time. It is very difficult when we love someone and can see that what they are doing is hurting themselves. There is also the situation, where we can sometimes be made out to be the “enemy”, because our care is often misconstrued as an attempt to prevent the other person from “enjoying” themselves, or at least, that is the way they may, and often do see the situation.

Other family members can overlook the issue, because they are not the ones who have to deal with the regular consequences of excessive alcohol consumption by another family member. That is even more apparent if one family member assumes, by default or coercion, the role of carer and protector, of the person concerned. From your description, that role has devolved to you Emily.

I can also understand your doctors concern for your health. In the situations faced by emergency services personnel and other first responders, one of the first lessons presented is not to put ourselves in a position where we would become another victim or casualty. However, I can well appreciate your position, where you are inclined to feel that you do not have any other option. Any other alternatives do not seem to bear consideration. This also raises the issue of respite for you, as the carer. Time away from a situation that is a huge drain on your physical and psychological resources.

So much for a brief reply. I'm not really known for them. Emily, please let me know whether these thoughts coincide at all with yours. If they do, we can 'talk' again tomorrow (actually, later today). There may be other thoughts that we can share, with a view to seeing how you may best proceed in what is a very difficult situation.

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX

Forum name = EmilyS, Forum address = @EmilyS

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@EmilyS

It tests you doesn't it... you get to know your limits of where anger and desperation meet..

@HenryX Thank you for your reply - I'm so genuinely happy for you and your mum, that you were able to spend those years together and that they were so precious and meaningful for you both.

I really do resonate with what you were saying, especially about going through that stage of being the 'enemy' by expressing concern or trying to provide care, and also about who ends up in the carer role vs who gets to look away and not think about it. I'm sorry that you were the one who had to take on that responsibility by yourself, and I'm so glad that you and your mum reached a good place in the end.

Honestly it's so relieving to hear (read?) that your mother was able to reduce her drinking so much, and for so long. What an incredible thing to do. Nearly everyone in my family who I know was a problem drinker has died of alcohol-related causes, and I think I've been trying not to contemplate what my sister's future might look like, because it's too terrifying. But it's good to be reminded that things aren't as hopeless and intractable as the worst-case-scenario, and also that as you get older you can still make those difficult changes. There's been a little bit of a clock ticking in my head...for some reason, it feels like the older we get, the more this will become a fixed issue that can't be reversed. But that doesn't need to be true, and that's not pressure that anyone - above all my sister - needs to be feeling. I'm always scared of being another person who "looks away" from my sister's pain, but I know I need to balance that with not expecting things to get better in a matter of months (or years, as it's now become).

Thank you for sharing your experiences, I'm very grateful

Hello @EmilyS

Your response to me today is very much appreciated, Emily. Sometimes we feel that everything keeps stacking up and there appears to be little we can do, despite being right in the middle of the situation, to change the course that is being travelled.

I admire you for the application, that you have spoken of, in caring for your twin sister. I also recognise the unique situation you are in, specifically because the sister you are caring for is your twin.

Needless to say, no two situations are alike and my description of the situation with my mother was quite different from yours in many ways. However, I am pleased that there were aspects of my experience to which you could relate.

From your description, I believe that I can understand the distress that you feel in not being able to see the possibility of a change in the immediate future. I do hope that you will have an opportunity to see such a change, knowing that you have done everything that you can to help your sister reach a better place.

These forums have threads for discussions, that relate to the position in which we each are engaged and concerned, such as you, @AussieRecharger and I have, on your thread. There are also threads where more lighthearted exchanges take place, such as the “Re: Good Morning!”, “The Weekly Friday Feast” , “Saturday Soiree - all welcome!!”, among others. These threads help you to engage in friendly, easy going, chat including greetings, day-to-day activities, etc. You will, if you would like to, meet other people, some of whom will be able to relate to your circumstances and others who can relate to some of the feelings that you experience from time to time. There are other threads where you can just express exactly how you're feeling and get it all “off your chest”. The only request is, that you have a browse through the guidelines, so that you will know what the parameters and boundaries are. (they are not too onerous)

Many members, as are you one now, say that engaging with others in the forum topics and threads, helps to lift some of the stress and feelings of concern that they experience. I have found my own activity on the forum has been helpful for me, as I hope it will be for you, if you would like to participate.

I initially had some difficulty negotiating the forum 'pathways', so if you have any difficulties, please do ask for assistance, if required.

If anyone has left a message by tagging your forum address @EmilyS , there will be a circle with a number in it next to the word “New “, that represents how many messages are there for you. Just left-click on the word “New” next to “Guidelines & Info” near the top right of page, and the “Your Notifications” page will open with recent messages in the threads in which you have been active.

Welcome to the forums Emily, and I look forward to talking with you again soon.

With My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

hello @EmilyS , welcome to the forum

how are you today my friend xx

Hi @HenryX

Thank you for your kinds words and for these links/suggestions I'll definitely be checking out the different threads as I slowly figure out how this tech works!

All the best,

Em xx

Hi @Shaz51 I'm not too bad, thanks, how are you doing?

Hello @EmilyS and @AussieRecharger , @Shaz51

Hi Em, You seem to be coming to grips with it. Hope the contacts will be helpful. It doesn't take too long to know in which threads you feel most comfortable. It is also surprising how quickly you recognise different people, styles, background etc.

The fact that the forum maintains anonymity also allows for a reasonable amount of freedom, with appropriate care for self and circumstances.

Best wishes

HenryX

How are you? @EmilyS

We are here for you.

Thank you for your message @BPDSurvivor , that's very kind of you I'm doing alright, thanks - lockdowns are always an...interesting variable, but we went for a walk today, so that was really nice

What about you? How are you today?