Sometime in the future I think you need to reconnect with your medical team @Unlonely1 . Its hard finding people that still have their books open, or are willing to work with us, and it could be easy to take that for granted if you are used to having a lot of resources at your disposal. We all fall off the wagon sometimes in our self-care. Its just part and parcel of chronic illness, but you can always start again.
You say that I feel there is simply no hope for us.
I have felt this many, many times. It takes a lot of physical stamina to live with a mental illness and we have to contend with ignorant people that still believe it is only 'mental'. But what they fail to realise because they haven't lived it, is that we all have interoception, and when I went into psychosis in 2016 I felt something break inside my body and knew immediately in my heart it could never be healed, I would never work full time again and my life would become marginalised as a result. You can feel it inside, the internal body has a felt sense too, and it is devastating to have a disability.
I bought the most recent book by American Psychiatrist Dr Bruce Perry, collaborating conversationally with Oprah Winfrey. As you probably know he write a lot about dissociation, and as he says it is a physiological process that all of our bodies do to some degree, but if the trauma and neglect starts very young thats when it becomes a problem.........in many ways more knowledge increases my suffering and emotional pain. If I was you, I would limit reading sometimes, reading about how my body is broken and having so much physical evidence in front of me with medical tests and reports done over the years can get too much sometimes. Its disturbing to read about chronic dissociation because its the body's physiological preparation to die, its the shift from trauma to sheer terror. A bit of self delusion and purposeful ignorance can be a good thing.
Its hard to accept all the loss, when everyone around you is travelling along OK. I get so sad seeing my sibs go to work every day, being financially independent, having social connection and being a contributing member to society, with a brain that can function long enough to satisfy intellectual curiosity etc.....but I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone. I just drew the wrong cards in life and I have to somehow accept the life I have, and the degree of health I still have.
You also said, giving in to the suggestion of others who tell me wot i'm capable of achieving......sometimes we have to adjust our expectations and face the fact we will never be able to function like a person that hasn't lost their health, let alone reach our potential. When that was at the hands of abusive people it is very hard to accept. Some days I can, some days I can't.
But I also don't want to live my life according to my abusers paradigm. That my worth has to be proven, it isn't intrinsic, and achievement is one way they expected me to prove my worth. I say no. I don't accept your paradigm, because if I do they still control me. There are other ways to live life.
Just my thoughts, Corny
