How to live with absence

Hi @Elac Rock bottom for my girl was inevitable sadly, despite 7 hospitalisations over the past 10years. In the past she would be treated with meds for a few weeks and then discharged either into our care or a friends couch. Medications weren't taken regularly if at all and the downward spiral would continue. Ironically, becoming catatonic, despite the severity of that situation, has been her saving Grace where she is now receiving the care and support needed. And yes it's a long slow process of getting the right balance with the medications she is on and learning to live somewhat independently. 2 steps forward 10 steps back at present but from my girls experiences over the years (the ones that I'm aware of) I know she is a survivor and it sounds like your son too has this strength. The deep ache of not seeing her or hearing her voice sits firmly in my chest but knowing she is safe gives me a little peace at least. All those years of not knowing her whereabouts caused so much anguish and I truly feel for you. I too hope that in your sons day to day interactions, he is being treated with kindness. People can be cruel. I've become quite reclusive over these past years but still extend kindness and compassion to whoever I meet along the way. We all have our stories. Keeping in touch with a few of my girls closer friends from better days is my way of having a connection with her. They too haven't seen or heard from her for a very long time. Nobody has, not friends or family and I'm grateful that I can ring her support team anytime to see how she is travelling. I just have to remain patient and keep the lines of communication open. I really hope your son reaches out to you soon Elac and you find some peace ☮️. Take good care of yourself xx

@Krishna

Reading your post I can feel that your girl is solidly living in your heart.

Your sentence "The deep ache ... sits firmly in my chest" also evokes a treasure chest in my quirky mind.

Some days, like you, I grieve the loss and absence; some days I relish the initial love that will not die and causes the grief. I then honour the love.

You seem to have a lovely connection to empathy for others. You mentioned before about sending her care packages. I am curious about this.

Would you talk a bit more about them?

Take care

Good morning @Elac Yes I send care packages every few weeks. They generally include little things like rosemary and lavender from my garden, nice handmade soaps a friend makes (to encourage her to shower), a candle to light her way, toiletries, chocolates and a letter with photos sometimes. Just little things to hopefully brighten her day.

That sounds lovely.

Do you know from the staff how she reacts to these?

Have you tried, with their support, to introduce some interaction via these care packages such as a little card where she could tick or circle out of 2 ot 3 the type of chocolate or the soap scent she'd prefer next time?

Something very simple that would not be overwhelming but empowering even at a small level.

She clearly not up to writing you a long letter but she might be able to do that.

I wish I could do something, anything for my son. Maybe in lieu of this I need to explore if there are associations making care package for people in need of them. It may help me actually.

Thanks for sharing and take good care of yourself.

Hi @Elac I'm told my girl is happy to receive my gifts. Staff try to encourage a simple "thanks" txt or perhaps just a thank you card to no avail. My girl is back in hospital again for the past 2 weeks as she had been secreting her nightly meds for some time as levels were zero and support workers could see she was spiralling downwards. Not showering, not eating, just sleeping. As per usual is refusing communications or visits. I'm praying they can convince her of the importance of her medication as next step would be a psychiatric hospital for a solid length of time. I'm able to ring the hospital for updates on her progress or lack of but otherwise my hands are tied. Such a roller coaster for my girl and my husband and I. But I agree, helping others is really important when you can't help your own.

Hello @Krishna

Yes very tough and such a long road.

You have allies in the staff, they are doing amazing work that I am sure has many untold challenges.

You do have a positive impact on her if she is pleased to receive your parcels; it might not seem much (and certainly not enough) at times but I am sure it does matter.

Make sure you look after yourself in all this, endurance requires good maintenance.

I had good levels of energy today and did a lot, which is a moral boost in its own way. I think that for some reason I am just accepting the situation at the moment without blame or hope for change, simply because it is not in my hands. The image of an even keel comes to my mind, maybe because not hearing from him actually calms the waters. I was finding difficult to manage the things I had or want to do, but at the moment I feel some level of peace and this has an incredible impact on how I can manage my life. Not sure what i did or did not do but that is really an observation of this last week or so.

Maybe gathering strengths before a storm, but if a storm is brewing somewhere, I might as well gather strength.

I noticed my almond tree and the early peach starting to flower, Spring is coming! This is possibly part of my optimism.

In any case I will enjoy it.

Here for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2ArtWFNTqM

Enjoy

@Elac Good advice my friend. Acceptance arrives some days and yes that feeling of peace accompanies it. I too have had increased energy levels this past week, getting jobs done, being busy, helps. And yes signs of Spring and renewal are present, the cycle of impermanence. So I will continue to keep the lines of communication open with my girl and try to remain optimistic that our relationship, in time, will be rekindled. My garden is my anchor that keeps me grounded and feeling blessed that I have a lovely 1/4 acre block in a rural village to keep me occupied. Life goes on xx

How are you doing this week?

For me it has been a bit of a mixed bag.

trying to keep a positive outlook can be a challenge in this News cycle but I am also progressing some projects and managing to do things I never thought I could do. I had some breakthough on changing sash cords on double hung windows by just going slowly, observing, reflecting and trying a bit at a time. Not finished, picking up the cord tomorrow from click and collect but amazed that I am actually feeling confident that I can do it.

I have learnt things i did not know were a thing :-0

Hidden and organic learning is a sweet thing

Hope you had a good week

@Krishna

Thinking of you

How are things at the moment?

Hello @Elac @Krishna

I am so sorry that I have not responded..

I actually forgot about this thread...

This is a common occurrence for me to write responses then either forget that I have...or be unable to locate where the thread is forgetting the title..

My own mind has been affected so very much by my son's life and lack of quality of life..

There are also birth family issues ....lack of understanding my son's situation...not attempting to understand...more not coping with...

I should not be surprised as this is how my own mind issues were dealt with by twin and mother growing up...too uncomfortable for them therefore...dismiss them altogether..This has only come to a screaming halt by my sister scheming and putting my mother in the middle...How anyone can do that to a now 95 year old...at the time at least 90 when I became aware...is beyond me..

So I still tread very carefully on eggshells should sister ring..she controls all contact...

She has manipulated the situation at the nursing home where I am not allowed to visit or call..

I can only hear my mum's voice if sister rings me and puts mum on the phone..

I usually receive calls from sister when her world is falling apart and she needs my support... all that she has ever wanted and taken from me...

Sadly she has become very bitter..

I have not seen my mum for 21 months now..

I write cards every now and again trying to sound positive ..writing about the garden or birds..

I did get a phone call when mum turned 95 and she told me how lovely to hear my voice..I broke down ...crying..apologising.. awful yet beautiful at the same time..

I had sent a huge arrangement of native flowers and I speak to the clinicial nursing director who took photographs of mum receiving them for me..

I have set boundaries with older son and continue with my therapy..

I have met some wonderful people through Carers which I struggled believing that I was one...I am classified as an unpaid carer who gives frequent telephone support..occasional physical support when visiting him in hospital if in this state..

His phone calls are usually when he is in psychosis and needing someone to unload to...I listen carefully and am also told not to speak..

On occasions where I have responded...automatic reaction of love and concern...I have been sternly put back in place and reminded of how dangerous the situation is...have I not been listening to him?? the question asked...This usually takes up another 20 minutes where finally I have to say that I will not listen to any verbal abuse...that will not change..I will hang up...then realise that he probably cannot even hear my voice through the internal chaos that he is experiencing...so I do hang up...

I work very hard at not trying to work out how he is after these calls....not thinking about his pain...his hating life...

I tell myself that I am not a professional and even they are unable to help him unless he accepts that he needs help..

Gardening, when I can get myself outside is my saving grace also...

I check the plants individually for growth and any sign of flowering...Such a wondrous feeling seeing the growth...survival...new buds..

I do not feel that I fit anywhere really on the forums..I struggle having to tread on eggshells on the forums as well as real life....a parallel world..

Currently I am pulling back and only writing to certain people..

I wanted to respond to you both as your situations are probably the closest to mine although being different of course..

I do hope that I have not intruded on your flow between each other which is lovely to read.

I also hope that what I have written will not upset you either..

Take care..

If you feel that you might like to keep in touch, please tag me..

I do understand if you would prefer not to..

Sophia