How to live with absence

Hello @Elac

I must say firstly that I just logged in and your post met me.

I have been on the forums for 5 years approximately. This is my second user name for again approximately 3 years out of those 5 years.

I crossed over to the far side where I felt and still do that I fitted somewhat more in as much as I can fit.

I am deeply affected by everything that you have written as it resonates on so many levels with my being a mother of a son who has also led a very different life to any other that I have known.

I am feeling so very many different feelings and am so overwhelmed.

These feelings have nothing to do with you. I plead with yo not to feel guilty.

I want you to feel heard.

I will say this much though.

Your son was trying to reach you through his paranoia, possibly psychosis. He left possibly because of what he was visualising or hearing.

I will try to find you again. I just cannot do this now.

Take care

There are some articles about real life experience on schizophrenia. Also fact sheets on paranoia and psychosis.
There is a sane helpline that you can ring.

I s there a peer support worker available to guide @Elac please.

Take care in the meantime.
Sophia

Hi @Elac,

Like Sophia1 mentioned, the SANE help centre is there for support. Please feel free to reach out via phone or chat to talk to one of the counsellors. You can also book a call with a peer support worker here .

We are here to support you.

Warmest regards,

tropicalsun

Hello @Elac and welcome.

I had written you a lengthy reply but sadly due to tech issues it's all lost!!!!

So a quick simple message to say welcome.

Here are some links to a few articles for carers that you night find useful 💕 If you want to message me just pop a @ in front of my name and I'll receive a notification 🙂

Self Care Activities

The Importance of Supporting Carers’ Mental Health During Isolation

Carers Hints and tips to Success

Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

Welcome @Elac Firstly let me say, you have found a wonderful platform here to receive support and understanding. My girl, now 27, suffers from drug induced catatonic schizophrenia and I feel your pain. She spent 9 months in hospital from July last year, in and out of psychosis and a catatonic state. On my last visit to her in February, when catatonia had been resolved, she didn't recognise me and escorted me from her room. That was the last time I saw and heard her voice. A short txt in June asking me for money has been the only communication. Now discharged and receiving amazing support via NDIS, she refuses any contact with us so any updates on her progress etc. are via her support team. It's heartbreaking and I refer to it as living grief. Your right, there is no closure, no explanation, no reason that you know of as to why? I keep the line of communication open from my end by sending small txts once a week and the occasional care package. No reply is ever received but I live in hope. She's a constant in my thoughts and I have learnt to accept that as an adult, she has made this decision, for reasons unknown to me and I have no control over that. As always, I live in hope. I started to read a book by Sheri McGregor called Done with Crying, a self help book for parents of estranged children. There is some good advice within its pages but nothing eases the pain. I like to garden, read, walk and visit the ocean to clear my head on hard days and of course receive amazing support from my forum friends. Day by day, moment by moment, is all we can do. Always have an ear and a virtual shoulder whenever you need to vent. Hugs 🙏❤️

@Krishna

Thanks for sharing, it means a lot to know (as unfortunately I guessed) that it is a shared experience with other carers/parents. Yes, we deal with it the best we can.

i am sorry your daughter is so unwell but glad she does have support in place and that you can get indirect news. I hope she will improve.

Thanks for the book referral, a quick search shows me there are videos and a website too.

yes, looking after myself is ultimately the most likely useful thing to do. I hope he knows that too somehow and does so in ways that mean something to him even if I may not understand it. Hope is often tricky for me though I have noticed. Maybe I need to hope for small things.

my best grounding time is when I care for plants. I love their diversity, how they trick me in really paying attention if I do want to care properly for them. Their slow pace is also like a slow breathing or meditation. You kind of need to really get to know them to appreciate them 😀, they are not the superficial type, they do roots!

I also try to remind myself to practice gratitude. Plenty of people and things to be grateful for.

Good morning @Elac so glad you've joined the forum. My girl was no fixed address for the past 10 years so now knowing she is safe with a roof over her head brings enormous relief. How she managed for so long astounds me but those 10 years have certainly taken it's toll on my own physical and mental health. Meditation mindfulness and yes gratitude have played an important role in keeping me grounded at times when I was a whirlwind of worry. I have a 1/4 acre block which is mainly garden with my house tucked in there. Nature soothes my soul and being in tune with the seasonal cycles always reminds me of the impermanence of all things and what seems lost is only dormant and will spring to life again. This is also the hope I live with for my girl. Meanwhile it is so important to take care of ourselves as best we can with a big dose of acceptance of the situation thrown in. That's the hard part for me but I'm working on it. Have a beautiful day 🙏

Hi @Krishna

Your post made me realised that maybe your girl had to hit rock bottom it seems (catatonic) to seek help and yes 10 years of wandering along with illness is a long time. But she did survive. The recovery may possibly also take a long time. It does not make it any easier for you nor her of course, and she possibly have no capacity for any thing else, unfortunately for your own need of connection. I love the fact that you can send texts and care packages, that is still connection.

Maybe my son will reach out when he somehow knows he needs to. He did so when he reached out the first time to get a mental health assessment. Unfortunately he refused medication and his illness was considered too "mild" for an order. So off he went. I do know that the longer the illness goes untreated, the worse it evolves. So i am sad and worried.

I hope he is encountering kindness somehow rather than nastiness but I suppose he probably does not see the world like I do so what I would consider kindness or nastiness may be totally different for him.

I think that beyond the physical abscence and deafening silence, the fact that I do not think or feel that I can understand his worldview is deeply troubling me. Maybe we are now on different planets with no language in common, alienated from one another.

Is hope for a future actually a way to hurt myself. Should I rather work on acceptance of what is.

Or should I trust that despite his illness, he is also a person that has good survival skills.

I am gratefulo be in a society that has some safety nets despite some limitations and too often prejudices

He has been talented at living simply so that would be an asset to him if that capacity is still there.

My longing for connection needs to be expressed (and is), but maybe it does not involves him and that what i have to learn to live with.

Do you find that connecting with others help with the lack of connection with your daughter?

Enjoy your garden and nature. Spring will come.