AlianoreCasual Contributor
Help with BPD sister who has exploded and run off
I have no idea what to do so I thought I would ask here since there's real people rather than websites with info that feel distant and cold.
My sis has bpd, recently diagnosed but its been active a long while. I have depression and anxiety, diagnosed years ago. So, her behaviour obviously stresses me out further. At lot of the time it feels downright abusive. I'm not complaining about this, or I'll try not to. I'm trying to explain. I'm just in search of answers that I can't get from her or mental illness websites.
I only found out about her diagnosis earlier this year when I questioned her about her meds, and that's when she admitted it. I did some basic research and then took a chance to try and empathise. I told her I understand the anxiety aspect, that I was there and care. One day, she explained a little more of her headspace. Ok. I tried to take it on board. She told my mum once she felt guilty with her rage and outbursts. Again, we try and take it on board. I largely decided to ignore them, or brush them off lest I make her feel worse. And the irritation is unhealthy for myself as well. It still hurt of course and often reminded me of my father's emotional abuse. I spoke to my therapist as well about how to cope with both sides.
The worry is worse though. Especially with her impulsiveness and non-communicative behaviour. It's been like this for years, likely because she was only recently diagnosed. In those years it felt like she was running away from us, wanting not to live with us unless she had no choice. We always took her in, there was always room for her. Helped financially if she needed it. During this time, we couldn't figure out what her problems were. I confess I thought her spoiled and selfish and impulsive due to being the youngest. We got along better when she lived elsewhere, but still had disagreements. I thought this was because we're different people and siblings. Sometimes, on occasions when she did live with us, it bordered on emotional abuse, but again, I was clueless to the real problem. I still cared and offered her help when she explained she had the same depression and anxiety as I did, which is what she was initially told she was suffering from.
Conversations are mostly general home life stuff because anything deeper sets her off. Work sets her off. Hell, some washing set her off, and made me feel like shit and suicidal since she fully directed that one at me even though I'm clearly not stable myself. I research more and try to cope more, be nice, listen and validate her feelings over work problems or friends. I managed to explain, in a small way, that the incident made me feel bad and she accepted it in the sense she said she knew and felt bad.
Yet, still she didn't speak up about her feelings in any way. Including that she seemingly left the house one day in an ok manner, but actually went to the ED for suicidal ideation. (We only found out today. More on that later). We try to broach her feelings a few times, when it seems like she's ok, asking general questions calmly as a pathway, but she never really let us press through.
For us it feels like being stuck in a live minefield. She has therapy and medication but she doesn't tell us about her therapy and if it's helping or if her therapist has ways for us to help her. When we support her financially, or emotionally, there's no thank you or acknowledgement. If she goes off, she may apologise to mum but not me. If we have a bad day, we can't let her know or let it affect her.
We've been looking after her puppy when she works, a puppy my mum got her so she'd have something to love and care for. It's made her seem better to an extent, but as I have said, it's hard to tell. The puppy adds to stress since its a puppy, but I'm not angry as I love animals and it's nice having it around. If my sis is even a bit better, I'll take that too.
She tried to do a nice thing for me as a surprise which overwhelmed me so much I couldn't say no or think clearly in the moment. I felt like I couldn't say no for a variety of reasons. Her impulsiveness had always been directed towards herself before this, I had no way to foresee this. I know this gesture was supposed to be well-meaning, and to give me something the way her puppy has for her.
The surprise, a pet, made me more anxious because I have little money, little items of necessity for it, I felt like I wasn't connecting. When it had a small medical issue I felt 100 times worse. Like I shouldn't have it. I felt guilty for not being appropriately grateful. I felt anxious about her finding out I was having trouble. I didn't want to hurt her, or the pet inadvertently. I had only just started considering a pet, an cursory glance and a few off-hand mentions.
But she found out I was struggling and got angry at me for being ungrateful since she'd gone to the trouble. I tried to explain that I was overwhelmed and confused and trying. But she stormed out of the house and kept saying I should return the pet and didn't deserve it.
I spent two days thinking very hard and it was best I didn't have the pet, because she was gorgeous and didn't deserve someone like me. I also looked up info on BPD again, sites and studies to try and understand more and cope. Admittedly, I also swung into feeling angry and overlooked. That I spend a lot of my time considering her emotions and how best to deal with them, but that effort has never been returned.
After she came home I thought she knew I had returned the pet (that the refund had cleared) and thus believed it best to let her be. If she wanted to ignore me, or hate me, it was ok. It took a while for my mum to realise she didn't know. My mum tries but doesn't understand mental illness and the abuse she received from my father makes confrontation hard for her. She couldn't bring herself to say anything because she didn't want to hurt my sister.
My sister found out today, went off, and after trying to be calm and explaining it was best and I would return the rest of the money, but I couldn't care for the pet since my own issues made it difficult she began abusing me. I flipped out from all the stress I've had and it exploded from there. After I calmed, I tried to calm her, but obviously it didn't work.
She thinks my mum always takes my side, which isn't true. That we made her feel stupid by lying. That we've never cared and she feels like she can't talk to us, that she never could though I'm unclear why due to the shouting blocking out the explanation. I accept we should have said something last night. But hindsight is 20/20 and it wasn't malicious. We were thinking about her and her feelings and how to both validate them and calm them. We don't understand why she's never spoken to us properly over the years, or more recently, or kept moving out. Neither of us has ever said she shouldn't feel unhappy, or that she's worthless, or that we don't care. We've always tried to help.
Now she's left, screaming she hates us, doesn't want anything to do with us. She has no family.
We don't know what to do, where she is, if she's safe. I know she needs space and time.
But I still don't understand any of this. I'm still not even sure why she has BPD, but that's not important now. I don't understand how she can think my mum takes sides. How she thinks we don't care. Or we abandoned her. That we're not trying. I really don't. I want to. I've tried to.
Would love an explanation and/or help/aid from a person rather than dot points on a website. I want to understand. Even if it makes me feel worse and she doesn't talk to me again. My mum feels confused and guilty and I want to help her too.
