Parentalness

The truth is when my ex left, it wasn't just me that got left behind, she left our son too. He stays with me pretty much full time. 2days/1night away and a few extra hours one morning during the week. There wasn't a conversation exactly about this arrangement, it just kind of made sense at the time since I work from home I guess. And of course I love that he's with me, no doubt about that.

I've been reluctant to admit this is the situation. I'm not really sure why. No that's a lie. Because I'm ashamed of the way I am. I'm not a healthy person, some days I can't do more than sit on the couch. And the truth is, my son see's me like this, and it's very hard to admit because I'm so ashamed of myself for it. I try so hard to be the best I can be for him, but it's not easy. I don't have any support, it's just him and me. He's a good kid, the absolute best, it's just tiring. And I never have time to do any work, or if I do have time I'm too fu*king exhausted. I don't like doing work when my boy is with me, but that doesn't leave a huge window of opportunity to get anything done now really.

I've asked my ex to take on more time with our son, but she won't. I'm ok with it in the sense that I know she's not very mentally stable herself and not able to provide what I can for our son. But fu*k me, I'm so fu*king tired. I really wish I had just a little extra help. I'm not coping well trying to balance everything. Even when my son isn't with me, I'm too exhausted or depressed to get work done. Nothing is getting done.

I don't have a lot of money coming in, it's enough, but not much. Have had to dip into savings here and there. So I need to find a way to get work done somehow. I have said to my boy that sometimes I've gotta do some work but i just feel so guilty doing that.

I've been drinking too much. And I've started earlier than I should. Used to be able to hold off til after my son is in bed. Not now. And I know I shouldn't and i feel terrible admitting it here and i feel terrible every time i do drink. I don't want to turn into this person. I don't want to let my son down. I just can't cope with it all. I need something to help get me through. It's terrible. I'm terrible. I'm struggling so badly with everything. I'm trying to protect my boy from it, so he doesn't see it. But he sees it. I hate myself for that.

He doesn't deserve any of this shit. He's the best fu*king kid in the world. I'm so ashamed of myself for not being better and stronger for him. And I feel ashamed of myself for even asking my ex to do more. Because i am so lucky he is here with me most of the time. Incredibly lucky. I shouldn't complain. But I'm struggling with it.

When he is here with me, it helps to keep me sane. It keeps me alive, it keeps my mind focused, it reminds me why I need to get better. But when he is here I'm also longing for time to myself so i can just fall apart and not have to hide anything for a little while. Then he goes with my ex and I lose all sense. I get so fu*ked up when I'm alone getting lost in all my shit. And when I'm alone I don't want to go back to being a parent. I just want to be selfish and drown in all of my misery. Then he comes back to me and I'm relieved to see him, I feel so much joy and happiness and it all comes back to me. Being without him, being alone with my thoughts is very hard. When he's not here it gets very bad for me. I don't get any work done, I just get fu*ked up. I'm not used to having so much time alone with my thoughts. It's really hard. It's not a good place to be in. Nothing is making sense to me anymore.

I also haven't wanted to elaborate on here that my son is with me more than my ex because I don't want any praise for that. I don't want anyone giving me a pat on the back for doing what all parents should do--be there for their kid.

Anyway. It's out there now.