One Step Forward two steps back, Putting myself down and Putting others down too

@LostAngel @Jynx

Well i would say thats a positive sign. Try not to get your hopes up too much so if tomorrow doesn't go well you end up on the emotional rocks. No worries we forumites are all here for you

Meggle

Hi @Jynx and @Oaktree ok its today and Ive not yet gone over there as Im a bit wound up in general at the moment so need some extra time to relax a bit also Im kind of second guessing maybe I should wait to see what or if he does something else first like message again or hopefully organise to catch up I feel I need the a bit more space today so Im not so wound up will keep you guys posted and I still havnt asked what he ment by last nights few words so maybe Im waiting kid of for an answer to that too or maybe today I will at least ask about that ,hopefully things will stay calm

Hello @LostAngel

I agree with @Jynx and @Oaktree . Just keep it cool. Whatever is, is as it is. Over-reaction will not change anything, and can often lead to a situation that allows for no return.

@Jynx idea about a dot point list of ideas, wishes and concerns gives you a good foundation for discussion with your "special someone". Using those notes as a prompt, can help, if you do lose track, but try not to rely on them for every word. I am sure that, being special, your friend will be happy to acknowledge the consideration you have given to preparing that list, whether you refer to it or not.

I believe that you may be accustomed to thinking about and rehearsing what you want to say. However, that leaves you open to self-criticism, if you stumble and feel that you have lost your way, in what you have rehearsed. Also, you may try to rush your explanations, in an attempt to get everything you want to say, said. You may, in the rush, lose your authenticity and character in a too well rehearsed address to the other person.

What you may look for is a gentle conversation with your friend in a two way discussion that leaves each of you time to interact with the other. In that way, you are not using the visit as a self-justification exercise, but rather an enjoyable time together in the present, while allowing the future of your friendship/relationship to develop from there. A sound relationship is not based on rehearsed addresses, but on comfortable, calm and relaxed discussion and interaction between each other.

You may even consider leaving all the past "deletion of messages" and other stuff, where it belongs, in the past, unless it is brought up by your friend, or there is another very good reason for referring to it.

We hear a lot about breathing on the forum. When you step out of the car or, are at the front gate, you might just slow everything up and take, possibly three deep slow breaths, and just look around you at the same time, appreciating whatever you see that is pleasant and appealing. Same at the front door. It doesn't take much time, and you may have the opportunity to "smell the roses" as well; it prepares us to be relaxed and present in the moment.

It may be an idea, when you are invited in, to wait for the likely invitation to have something to drink, possibly tea or coffee. This is another opportunity to relax and slow the pace from being urgent and rushed, to calm, comfortable and peaceful. It also gives your friend the opportunity of offering their hospitality and staying peaceful as well. What we want for ourselves is what we can also offer others. I hope that you will be thinking that this is an opportunity for a discussion with each other, rather than a monologue of explanation and justification, from you to your special friend.

Take the time to, not just hear what they are saying, but to listen for the meaning of what they are saying. Often that means taking a few moments to consider what has been said, before deciding what we may want to say in reply.

These ideas can be applied in any conversation or discussion that you may have.

I do hope that these thoughts will be helpful for you, @LostAngel , not just for tomorrow, but for today and conversations that you may have with various people in the future.

With My Best Wishes

HenryX

thank you @HenryX much appreciated I think I dont want to come accross too urgent and thats why I feel the need to hold off that bit longer,and your right I should keep the past in the past and focus on the present I feel like his response by message was hopefully a form of agreeance with eachother about things going forward maybe he just needed that time to think things over as well anyway Ill try to keep things calm but holding off that bit longer who knows maybe we could catch up this week sometime and then as you said it would a relaxed two way discussion rather than me Justifying my actions ect,for now Im staying put and waiting that bit longer,maybe waiting will help clear space first before we see eachother again and as for for your saying about friendship/relationship Im not completely sure on where we stand at the moment except to say its a mix of friendship and romance ,I also dont want to push things that maybe shouldnt be just yet in terms of discussing too many serious subjects,definetly best to keep things calm,I dont know yet but I do hope he starts to visit my place instead as it would be more comftabe to discuss things at my place anyway,just waiting and seeing for now

Wonderfully written @HenryX so much wisdom in this @LostAngel

maybe you could walk to the house after all, that way you may be more relaxed. Also if you do become upset it will help you to calm down on the way home. To drive upset could make you loose your concentration with driving. You've got this girl, you will be fine ❤️

thank you @Former-Member @HenryX @Oaktree @Jynx ,Im going to get something to eat then go to his place today ,Ill walk to his place and just see if hes home or not,talk to him mainly just to ask the question of what he ment by ok well do that and keep my expectations in check so that I dont come accross to strongly the key thing is to lower my expectations a little bit and probly my pride and face this fear of feeling vulnrable in a calm and tactfull way hopefully just walk there,ask if hes home if he is ask that one question,listen to him and leave ,keep things very simple yes Ill be fine its not the worst thing Ive faced in life ,it just takes courage.

Good luck @LostAngel thinking of you as you take next steps

Meggle

@HenryX @Jynx @Former-Member @Oaktree so I walked to his house and guess who opened the door? he did he said Hey whats happening I said can we talk we sat down and just talked easily why is it when Im with him Its like Im drinking truth serum or something I was naturally honest and so was he,I listened ,he listened and I found out his forgiving ,sweet kind side again and all that silly worrying on my part turns out theres nothing to worry about with him ,it was a relief ,to him theres no problems between us,he offered to come over to mine later and I said he could,the only bad thing was I may have woke him up as he was half asleep when we talked but yeah other than that hes doing the one thing Ive needed him to do hes coming to mine ro spend some quality time I think that will be a good thing ,I just need to stop worrying,stop stressing and just enjoy the company of a man I like ,respect his boundaries as he respects mine,trust and communicate bit by bit slowly ,calmy , its ok if he decides in the end not to come to mine I cant control another person ,I cant even control myself at times but I do need to breathe relax hold onto some hope,smile laugh and just let myself be happy as an adult with the choices I choose to make,Ill be ok slowly moving forward its ok,there really is no need to rush,I had a counciller appointment today by phone which really helped alot to and the councilling appointment was prior to my seeing him so that helped to clear things up,the counciller was talking to me today about my emotional strengths and the issues I have with fear and mainly the fear of being Vulnrable so today I took the step of going to his place and for me thats the first step of allowing myself to be a little bit out of my comfort zone and a little bit vulnrable with someone by just sitting and talking things out and realised that things are ok as we are for now,the counciller was also talking to me about the fact in terms of intamate relationships that Im going through a self discovery,self growth phase and that helps make sense of things,thank you forum friends for your support as well thats much appreciated ,the key is go with the flow and try not to control every single outcome cause I cant control most things anyway,its ok to let go of control just a bit sometimes I can have enjoyment I can have company I can have some peace within myself I dont always have to be the responsible one,I can take well thought out risks and its ok ,its ok to be me

Well done! Another thing to remember is when you are second guessing yourself is...what is the worst thing that could happen? And if you can handle the worst thing, you can handle anything.❤️

@LostAngel

Really pleased to hear that your visit was so positive @LostAngel

Best Wishes

HenryX