Good afternoon @Oaktree
Your self-awareness, perceptiveness about the distinctions between therapist and friend are understood. My thoughts are really just to make the references less clinical and threatening. However, I also have to be careful with regard to the association which is why I said that “I have also to be careful about extending our association, between the counsellor and me, beyond the real position.” So even there, I can see a similarity in the way that you and I are thinking. I can also appreciate the feelings of loss that may occur, at the completion of therapy, if we have associated with a therapist as a friend.
Ideas that I offer or suggest are just a way of re-framing, or looking at things in a slightly different way, in order to nurture the process rather than try to force thought, memories and recollections, issues or events.
The same applies to leaving things in the psychologists office. All we can do is be aware of alternatives like leaving things behind in another place, the therapist's clinic. We are not going to be able to put these things into practice all the time. But if we are successful 25%, 32%, 63% of the time, that will be the amount of time that we free ourselves from the unpleasant parts of our lives, experience and the negative effects that have accrued as a consequence of those experiences. We then deal with them in the appropriate place and context – back at the clinic. Just because I have these ideas, does not mean that I am successful 100% of the time. I wish!! However, I do try to apply them as much as I can. Every little success is a portion of anger, fear, unpleasant distraction that we don't have to experience. And all that is part of our positive progress.
Your comment, “Also I really struggle to leave things in the psychologists office and instead tend to continue to think about matters when I get home. Trying to nut it out on my own.” is part of what I was referring to when I said, “This means mentally leaving everything there till our next appointment.” In similar fashion, it is a matter of a goal. We are not going to reach the goal all the time, but the portions of time that we succeed are those portions of relief that we accomplish and achieve. We are not doing this just for ourselves, but also the people around us, about whom we care.
“Could have....", "should have....", "must do..." and other similar terms are apparently 'naughty' words in psychology. They are closely connected with high expectations, and feelings of dissatisfaction and high levels of self-abusive and self-critical thinking. Statements like “it causes me to be very hard on myself.”, and “when I feel that I could have done better.” are really self-defeating, and also reinforce the ideas of not being good enough.
My counsellor warned me that over a period of weeks I would very likely face some uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings and memories. That was correct for me. It is natural that we are going to feel these emotions and reactions. We are stirring up material that we have kept covered, despite their continuing adverse impact that they still have had, from their secret hiding place, for most of our lives. I can certainly say that it is better to deal with this stuff, earlier than later in life. Even now, at my age, I still think that it is worth dealing with, in order to improve my future life experience.
Yep, sure, running for the hills is one option, sitting and wallowing in the “why me” mud, and other such alternatives are options. But, in each of those situations, we are still having imposed on us that which we want to clear and be rid of. We can try to avoid the effects, but the very reason that we sought professional help was to assist us in dealing with issues that we knew were having such a significantly negative impact on our lives. “I just think if I am struggling so much now with stuff that is not very hard, how will I go with the more confronting stuff from my past?” The fact is, that if we do not deal with this stuff and remove it, or neutralise it, we are going to continue to have to deal with the impact of all the easy and hard stuff, on our lives, for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, it is just not going away, unless we deal with it. We have both tried the "wait and see if it gets better" and "we can work through this" options, and we both know that, among other options, they have not worked for either of us.
You and I have both used passive and active avoidance techniques. The passive is “if I ignore it, it will go away”. The active is some form of running for the hills, withdrawing, escaping, excluding. None of those have worked, yet they have become ingrained patterns of behaviour for both of us. When will we accept the reality that it is only by facing these issues head-on that we are going to make our lives any better.
I might have answered your last question, about how things are going with my counsellor, in the details above. I am probably in a similar situation to you, in as much as I am thinking, “this is a hard nut to crack”, an element of avoidance, but trying to relax and just saying it how it is and how it has been before. I think that relaxing, into an almost hypnotic sensation and state of mind, is the only way that I can cover life events in my child and early adult hood. That is the uncovering part. I will still have to deal with the process of adjusting the impact and improving my life in a fully alert state of mind.
With My Best Wishes
@HenryX
