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End of the Road

IMSContributor02 June 2021, 10:41 am AEST

End of the Road

I last posted in October 2020 regarding my son's illness and path of destruction.

A lot has happened since. We found a Psychiatrist for him, he has a good GP and Psychologist.

We still don't have a diagnosis and may it doesn't even matter. Despite all the help and support of professionals and family my son's mental health has deteriorated to the point where he has pretty much lost all of his friends. His flatmate moved out last week due to my son's behaviour. He has been on sick leave for almost 5 months now and is struggling with money. I had paid his rent for several months but I can no longer help him financially. I used to bring him groceries, help cleaning the house, brought him dog food to no avail. If he has spare money he will self-medicate even more. By helping him out I enable his behaviour. On top of that he doesn't have respect for me and keeps blaming me for everying that has ever gone wrong. He is also calling me names and talks really badly about other people including my daughter. I know I wasn't the perfect mother, but who is? I have made mistakes and have apologized to my son time over again. I raised both my kids the same way and my daughter loves me and respects me.

My Psychologist advised me to stop all help because so far my help hasn't really helped, in fact everyting is worse now. She wants me to let him save himself. His landlord is in the process of getting him kicked out of the house, also because he has arears. Due to his lack of respect he cannot live with me.

My heart is breaking, thinking of him living on the streets or in a car. At the same time I'm so close to a breakdown myself that I heed to save myself first. I have been drinking more alcohol as well just to get a break from all the sadness. I know this won't help me in the future and have cut down alcolohol to one glass now. The Psychologist said that without my help he will be taken care of "the system". I'm so afraid what will happen to him, the pain and suffering he might have to go through. But I have reached my limits being over 60 now. I have had a lot of anxiety recently and can see how much I have changed over the last year. My adult daughter is worried about me and she is angry with her brother.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope, how did you manage going to work as if nothing had happened?

Thanks for taking your time to read this.

IMS

4 replies

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In response to: End of the Road

PeriSenior Contributor02 June 2021, 1:01 pm AEST

Re: End of the Road

Dear @IMS ,

i have so much empathy for you. You obviously love your son very very much, but there can come a point where you have to put yourself first.

I know there will be others here who understand as well.

you have done so much for him but there comes a time where you have to take a step back. He has to want to be better and to help himself. Maybe he can’t do that with you rescuing him.

i have a son who has caused me tremendous anxiety and sadness. But he does live with me and is gradually getting his life together. It has cost me a lot too and I am nearly 70.

Becareful of the alcohol, I am glad you are taking a step back from that but I understand that too.

I don’t have many suggestions but let him know why he can’t live with you, and what it would take for that if at all possible to happen.

But keep close to your daughter and try to find some peace for yourself.

peri

In response to: Re: End of the Road

IMSContributor02 June 2021, 2:25 pm AEST

Re: End of the Road

Hi Peri,

Thanks so much for your kind words and your understanding.

Looking back I have been enabling him and his chaotic life was managable only with my help and rescuiing him time over again for 12 years now. Realising that my help doesn't help has helped me to step back but the pain is almost unbearable. Despite all he has said and done he is still my son and I love him.

As you mentioned below an explanation as to why I'm stepping back might make a huge difference. And you're right, I would have him back in a heartbeat. I'm thinking of writing an e-mail to him with my reasons why he cannot come home right now. I would outline to him what steps he must take before I would feel safe and respected to have him back. I even bought a new property with a large garage, thinking that one day he could convert it and live there whilst being totally separate to me. I have prayed for him that he will meet the right people who would show him a better way to deal with his life, his illness anxiety and anger.

Thank you so much.

IMS

In response to: End of the Road

brother2Casual Contributor03 June 2021, 6:41 pm AEST

Re: End of the Road

I'm so sorry to hear your story and the position you're in and your sons illness.

"My heart is breaking, thinking of him living on the streets or in a car."

- my sister lived in her car for many months and also lived where we didn't know her address.

"At the same time I'm so close to a breakdown myself that I heed to save myself first."

- yes, please also look after youself. I've been at a breaking point myself also.

" The Psychologist said that without my help he will be taken care of "the system"."
- unfortunately my own experience with my sister is that there isn't much support... the system is complex and ignores family (doesn't provide them with information about their loved one which is truly ridiculous when you go to great lengths to get them accessed and "scheduled"). Make sure you read the "Mental Health Act 2007" (I know it's hard in desperate times): https://legislation.nsw.gov.au/view/html/inforce/current/act-2007-008

Make sure you understand sections 72, 72A and 72B and terms like "scheduled". The Mental Health staff don't know the Act well enough and they don't inform family (or have basic flyers to provide you... absolutely pathetic of them and their disorganisation and general uselessness). If you have been providing assistance, then you should be considered the "Principal Care Provider". You should be informed about your son!! And you have a right to be.

This isn't legal advice; just what I wish I knew.

In response to: Re: End of the Road

AppleblossomSenior Contributor04 June 2021, 9:43 pm AEST

Re: End of the Road

@IMS

I am glad others have been able to respond more quickly than I. I also agree giving explanation of your stepping back is important even if he is not really in a postion to reason with it all, later it might make a little sense, when he has time to add up 2 and 2.

It might take time for things to turn around and be better. Sitting limits is hell when our loved ones are suffering, but knowing and seeing firmly that there is a line of respect, which you definitely deserve. When enabling negative behaviours might be happening, the best I have found is to limit help to those ways which cannot be then used in bad ways.

Maybe there needs to be a period of definite separation for a while for all to take stock. I am not sure how what or which services will help him, but looking after you is number one for a while, and maybe find a way, to keep your eye on a hopeful future for him.

I have also thought of the country property with separate living quarters. It is a great idea, and the best outcome is if he can go through sufficient personal growth to value you and all you offered, in the past or in the future. Finding little ways they can man up is important. My son is finally getting "jobs" out of the way quickly and with energy, rather than dragging his feet with everything, but boy is it delicate to get the carrot thingummy working well.

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