BPD3Casual Contributor
newbie
Hi all, I’m new and mum to an 18 year old son whom presents with symptoms of BPD ..
My son was diagnosed with ALL ( Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia ),in 2010 just before his 7th birthday and as his mother and being there every day, I have witnessed so many changes to his once quiet but happy disposition.
During treatment he was very sick, had times of intense treatments which caused severe weight loss, loss of hair, bodily function , fatigue, memory loss and impaired cognitive function,.
I noticed a slow progression of sadness, anxiety and worry.
There were times of joy but he seemed to very easily go to a dark place emotionally.
In 2011 my son was referred to CYMHS ( Child & Youth Mental Health Services ) where he was counselled for suicidal ideations, anxiety and mood swings.
Since 2011, he has progressed with the above, many times threatening his life , talk of suicide, self harm, sadness, depression and anger outbursts and damage to property and in physical altercations with his brother ( ages 13-16 ) .
His emotions are incredibly intense, often from feeling ok one minute and then the extreme opposite the next all emotions interchanging throughout the day.
He is currently in a relationship albeit all online and via phone, and prior to that he was in only one other relationship also online and via phone.
Both relationships he had were intense, the phone he had was and is currently, always tuned in to his girlfriend 24/7 even running on live video chat throughout the night so that they can watch eachother.
My son puts so much time and effort into his relationship, more than anything and if things are ok that’s great, but if he feels betrayed or thinks there is mistrust or even if the girlfriend doesn’t text him back within a small time frame or mutes her phone, he spirals out of control emotionally where he can not function with anything else but solely on what the problem is, often crying, locking himself in bathroom, under the covers of his bed, self harming, talking of giving up and suicide, he say’s his mind just won’t stop, the thought processors are unrelenting , he feels worthless, completely lost, not knowing what to believe, what is real, what is truth,…very destructive and it’s so heartbreaking to witness.
Before having girlfriends, he went through a stage of constantly worrying about me, and when I had to go out , it caused him such stress and worry that he would either have to come with me or I’d just not go, He was constantly afraid of me being harmed or dying.
Often times he will call for me to try and rectify issues with his girlfriend,to try to explain to his girlfriend what he feels, thinks, generally his perspective,…he really struggles to verbalise and make sense of any communication when under emotional stress, all thought processes are mangled and can leave him vacant.
As mentioned earlier, he mostly internalises his intense feelings and so self harms, crys and wants to just end his life, but sometimes out of frustration he can lash out and has caused property damage.
I am grateful that he will often be extremely open with me and tell me what he’s feeling and why and what caused it and I listen and acknowledge his feelings as they are so valid because he is truly experiencing these thoughts and emotions.
My son is also very, very softly spoken and quiet, he is introverted in character and prefers one special friend and online communication and gaming, though he has gone to friends houses and stayed the night or gone camping, but now he is mostly preoccupied with his girlfriend.
He does not like social situations and rarely goes out and most definitely will not venture out on his own, but I have only really noticed this in the last 2 years, as before he would go to friends homes, out on his bike with mates , shopping with me, but yeah,…never on his own , not even to the shop around the corner.
During childcare he would often speak of being picked on and after an incident of neglect where he had been knocked in the head resulting in a huge lump, I pulled him out of childcare. Through most of his primary and secondary schooling he was bullied, even as recently as 2019 where he had also been bullied by a teacher.
He has expressed to me that when he was younger he had visions of shadow people and that he heard voices but that he doesn’t have this any more, though he does battle thoughts , but mostly of hating himself and feeling inferior or not good enough and trying to make sense of things and what’s truth in any matter , he has always been a deep thinker, thinking outside the box.
When he feels that he is being pressured into something he is not comfortable with or that gives him high anxiety he has resorted into threatening himself by trying to seriously harm or take his life and displays extremely anxious emotions and desperation .
I have come home to find him hiding under our house ( age 16 ) fast asleep after crying, I have come home to find him in fetal position in absolute tears and certain implements embedded in the wall,
I have been alarmed at the sound of glass breaking to find he had smashed out his window in frustration or punched great holes in his wall when upset.
He really struggles with regulating his emotions and they are extremely intense.
He really wants answers and to be diagnosed , to know why ? and how to find resolutions and help.
He was recently told after talking with a psychiatrist that it sounds like he could have BPD as well anxiety.
He does display some OCD in that he must buy things in groups , issues with people touching his utensils, food , worrying about use by dates on food.
He has expressed that he hates being watched by people that it makes him tense and anxious, he is very self conscious in public and will not voluntarily approach anyone nor talk to anyone or ask a question of strangers, ie if he had to ask how to operate something or where something was etc, he would struggle in silence.
Even currently he will always approach me to ask any question he might have for a family member rather than ask himself, but I will try gently to encourage him to approach the individual and ask, but most times he will just say it doesn’t matter and not ask.
It just breaks me emotionally to see my boy suffer like this, I love him so much and want to see him happy and healthy and to flourish and thrive and succeed at what he envisions for himself.
I pray every day never does a day go by where I don’t constantly have him on my mind.
I cry privately most days and in the quiet of my bed at night, I feel so alone in this, I just feel no one understands or wants to acknowledge its seriousness , often coming up with their ” not very informed opinions or suggestions “, based on what they say he needs, his situations are so incredibly complex and I just know it’s going to be a long battle ahead, but he and my other son are my life 100%. I have been through it all and I will to the very end.
