@kayakfisho
Hello Kayakfisho,
I believe that I can understand how you feel, both physically and mentally.
Thirty years ago, I moved 400 km to take a job in the public service. I hoped that the security of a stable job, in a new town would encourage my second wife, and our children to come and start life anew.
That didn't turn out the way I had wished. I won't drag the gory details into the story. It is sufficient to say that it was the second time that I had experienced that “Days of Our Lives” type drama.
As a consequence of the those events and my own feeling that the children may be better off without the drama and possible trauma of the interaction between their mother and me in their lives, I haven't seen very much of any of the children. My oldest daughter has seen the way I looked after someone special to both of us. As a result she is probably realising that maybe a lot of the stuff that she may have heard about me could, or should be questioned. Not refuted, at least straight away, but at least it may be worth trying to listen and understand the situation from my perspective.
About twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. I now believe that I had experienced the symptoms of depression for most of my life, as a result of a rather unpleasant childhood. More gory details that don't need to be presented here.
A contributing factor to the issues of and diagnosis of depression was probably the resurfacing of a back problem that I first became aware of in National Service. I didn't attend to it then, partly because I did not like the idea of being perceived to be a malingerer. After discharge I took up competition rowing. That seemed to strengthen my back significantly.
Subsequently, I worked as a brickies labourer, enjoyed mechanical work on the cars of family and friends and also worked in public service offices. So I have had a pretty broad exposure to different types of employment and conditions. I also worked as a school bus driver and started and worked a lawn-mowing business.
My back started to cause concern about twenty years ago and the problem was identified, by scans, as spinal stenosis, or narrowing of the spinal column through which the spinal cord extends.
“The spinal cord is a long, thin, tubular structure made up of nervous tissue, which extends from the medulla oblongata in the brainstem to the lumbar region of the vertebral column. It encloses the central canal of the spinal cord, which contains cerebrospinal fluid.” {Wikipedia}
The stenosis can be attributed to hereditary factors, or subsequently formed bony growths, that cause pressure on the spinal cord and the nerves where they exit from the column into the body tissue that they serve. Kayakfisho you are probably aware of all this.
The effects of this pressure can be a combination of pain and, or numbness, particularly in the back, feet and legs, and in certain cases, the arms and fingers. I experience a lack of sensation in my feet that means the feed-back messages from the feet are not transmitted to the brain. Consequently, balance suffers. For short distances; car to house, shopping, till I get a trolley, etc., I use one staff; for longer distances, I use two staves that enable me to walk with a more upright stance than I am otherwise able to do. I also experience a lack of sensation and some tingling in the small and second fingers of each hand. This means that the problem has progressed further up the spine.
The pain in my back is constant, even when lying down, though at least, less so. I take a range of pain relief medication. The aim is to reduce the pain to 'bearable' levels, while not being so much as to require the relinquishing of my car, truck, bus and motor-bike licences. I am over standard retirement age, but I wish to retain as much versatility as I possibly can. In this way, to the extent that I can, I am exercising a level of control over my life and circumstances.
For another medical condition, I likewise have an injection into the soft tissue of my lower back at ten weekly intervals. I do know that I have learned to relax completely when having any sort of injection.
At one appointment, I was told by a specialist that surgical procedures may not be carried out to alleviate pain. Such procedures are normally carried out in order to give the person a better quality of life in terms of mobility or in the case of serious threat to life, such as heart disease, etc.
I did not receive that information as a sign that the specialist was callous, uncaring, lacking empathy, or any such negative. He was simply giving me the information I needed to understand the rationale for surgery, the role that I played in the process, and give me a realistic idea of what my expectations should be.
The surgical operations that I have had are 'fusion and laminectomy' of;
L2 to S1 in three operations
As you can, no doubt imagine, my quality of life is, and has been seriously compromised for some considerable time. Not only by the back issues but also by the depression that I believe existed from my childhood and was only identified half way through my life.
I have read about people who have been concerned about other people learning of their mental health illnesses. Often people, I think, legitimately “fake” the best qualities that they can project in order to avoid deliberate, inadvertent, or accidental disclosure of their MH issues. I believe that many people do this with depression. For almost the first half of my life, I was functioning, at least partially, with at least one un-diagnosed mental illness. Probably for much of the same time, I suffered from the spinal stenosis problem.
I had the pleasure and privilege of having my Mother live with me for the last years of her life.
During that time, I probably did little more exercise that my Mother did, apart from shopping and our occasional trips to family gatherings. Consequently during her life with me, and since my Mother's passing a couple of years ago, I have not had sufficient exercise to maintain a reasonable level of fitness. My home is in a state of disarray, I am personalising external issues that I should be 'keeping at arms length'. I am faced with the opportunities that I have had in my mind, and preparing myself for, knowing that Mum's time with me was limited, and now a limited capacity to enjoy those activities. I do not have a partner or spouse, so I do not have the 'normal' feed-backs of joy, disappointment, enthusiasm, sympathy, encouragement, anger, triumph, etc. Even the bad ones can seem good if you have none at all.
You have a partner who you say is disappointed with your decision not to travel to a gathering, you have a grandchild, I believe, who is too young to understand, now, the motives for any decisions you might make, you have children who you say have acknowledged that the decision is yours. I'd be surprised if they didn't allow you that freedom and responsibility.
You have a daughter who smuggles your pup into hospital to see you. Bet it made her feel good as well as brightening the day for you and the pup.
You enjoy the company of some very special young people and from the way you describe your interaction, they enjoy your company.
Today, having run a generator for nearly six weeks, since a cyclone, I have had the power reconnected. The power to the area had been re-distributed some time ago, but the connection had been ripped off the front of my house, and had to be reconnected by an electrician before the power company could reconnect the supply. That actually put a spark in my day.
Yesterday, I realised that I felt as though I was going backward, and had been for some time. I decided that today (Monday) I would contact a counsellor to discuss
“where I have been, where I am at, and assistance with preparation of a plan for the future”.
I am fortunate to be in a small community where I was able to arrange an appointment for late morning today. Even in the hour that I was there, the engagement between the counsellor and me was productive. I am very happy that I decided to arrange and attend the appointment, because I have not been in a very good place for some time.
I do not think that anyone on the forum will or can say that;
They may offer you suggestions about the subjects that you have also, or may like to discuss in the future;
One of the aspects of personality and inter-personal communication, that I discussed with the counsellor today, was the idea that we often react to qualities and characteristics in other people that we most dislike in ourselves. And I was amused that you had used, in one of your responses to another member on the forum, a very similar off-hand expression that you had felt was demeaning when spoken by doctors to you:-
18 May 2021 06:59 PM
Doctors and their lack of empathy
You: “the thing that really gets me down is when they talk down at you, not to you.
Doctor: "It will all be okay give it a few months all will heal fine.”
20 May 2021 12:57 PM
Re: Alpha-males stoicism and have had enough
You: “Mate look after yourself and i hope that you have someone to reach out to you as you have done for your mate.
keep your chin up a (sic) things will work themselves out”
It may just be possible, that the doctors are genuinely trying to engage with you in response to the way that you project yourself to them.
Hope you are able to connect with some of what I have written
With My Best Wishes
HenryX
