Loneliness pursuing success.

Hi,
This is my first post, I started to write a little be when ever I feel depressed trying to let out what is in my mind.

I heard once that our achievements are not only ours but also of those who have been by our side and have given us their support and that without them it would have been difficult to achieve anything at all, this made me think about my own life, I don't have many friends, I have too many fingers on my hands when counting them, in fact, I don't need one of my hands when counting them, people say that in these cases "quality worths more than quantity" and even when I agree to that statement, it's not very much comforting when I think about it. I have been disappointed by many people that I considered friends and likewise I have disappointed many, perhaps I have been too much of myself.

Once a family told me that they liked my friendship because they saw in me a person who was really happy about their achievements, and to be honest, I had never thought it that way, but in fact, I am very happy when someone I know is successful, I like the idea of ​​knowing that I surround myself with successful people, perhaps a defense mechanism in case I'm not able to be successful, if I think about it, perhaps I am afraid of not achieving success, I don't even know what I want to be successful in, everything that I have ever wished seem like an ephemeral obsession that has only left me doubts and in these moments of my life, without something defined, without knowing what my dream is or what I really want to do, even without finding pleasure in what I do, life become more tasteless, insipid, without a smell or a color, Loneliness starts to point at me and tells me that She is the only thing that I am going to end up with and screams at me with the most deafening sound of silence produced by a gaze that is lost in the deep white color of my room's ceiling, trying to understand why I am still in this limbo of insecurity that not even church can change, I have asked God to make a change in my life, that if what I dreamed was ever meant to be, if it was mine, but I think his silence told me no, I don't think I'm worthy anyway, I can't find my place on this life.

I always had the tendency to approach people who have a very united family, I always wanted to experience what it feels like, to learn from them to achieve the same thing one day, but I honestly doubt that day will come and is that moment when my blood dims as the light that illuminates my life faints, perhaps I am being very dramatic at this point, perhaps I am losing my madness and sanity has come to take over my composure, I don't know, sometimes I feel I am intelligent and so stupid at the same time that I don't know why I'm writing, or maybe I do.

Sanca.