I also fell asleep too @Emelia8 @Anastasia but have been in and out of it all day. I'm trying to stop my mind from going back but I can't. I need to because it's making me feel so sick and my head is aching. But I can't control it. Still thinking about what happened to my brother.
When we were kids our bedrooms were next to each other, shared a wall. We used to do this thing of a night where we'd tap on the wall to keep each other awake. Just annoying each other. Makes me laugh to think about.
I remember sitting on my bed and hearing my brother screaming. Mum belting him. He'd scream, then sob, then scream, then sob. And i sat there crying my eyes out listening to it all. I wanted to go to him, to do something, but I was too afraid. Feel so mych guilt thinking about that. All the times he saved my ass and I just couldn't do anything. When mum had finished she came into my room. She'd told me not to come out. I think I've talked about this part before. I said i wanted to see my brother and she said no, told me to stay in my room, wasn't allowed out. I was too scared to do anything other than what she told me.
I rememeber later in the night I tapped on the wall. I was still crying like a baby but I couldn't hear a peep outta my brother. I tapped on the wall and nothing. I cried harder. I tapped again, still nothing. I desperately wanted to see him and know he was ok, but I couldn't do it. I was afraid I'd get caught, afraid of what would happen. So I just sat on my bed, listening out for any kind of sound from my brother, and cried, and cried.
I spent last night and yesterday morning just vomiting my guts up. It's not just the memories that come back but everything you felt back then too. I guess like reliving it in your head kind of thing.
A while ago I mentioned this memory to my brother, his response to it was that it was the kind of thing that happened a lot. I've no doubt, this is just the one instance I can remember clear as anything. He said it happened a lot, and in his voice I can hear he's angry, hurt by it. But he immediately follows it up with a remark about how he was a difficult kid and he probably deserved it.
It broke my heart to hear him say that. Our mum did such a number on us growing up that we both believed we were bad kids, deserving of this kind of treatment and so much more. Through therapy I've learned to challenge those thoughts. But my brother hasn't. He's still so completely brainwashed by her. I'm working on it, little by little, trying to get him to see things clearly. Sometimes he's receptive to it, other time's he's not.
It's 20 odd years down the track and I'm here vomiting my guts up and reliving the terror I felt back then while my brother sits there telling himself he deserved everything he got.
Fu*k I really hate our mother.
