I don't know anymore and I need a break from it all

Last night I went out against my initial instinct not to. I figured I needed some social atmosphere after a dull day at work. My work is dull and there is only one place I can work at out of a possible 6 places that I actually feel accepted and appreciated - but they have me doing such meaningless work. This is all down to the fact that the workplace is boring and the work is itself boring as well. There is so much politics in the workplace because of this - more than the average workplace.

I already know that I am the subject of rumours and gossip due to a mistake I made once about mid way through last year. I accidently tagged someone in an email chain at another work station and they saw what I had written. This person has then gone on to tell others and I believe this is why I look like a fool to them and its why they have started to treat me differently in many places.

I didn't say anything bad about people and I didn't say anything horrible. I just said that they didn't train people there at that workstation and that people did not like there generally.

I will be returning to that workstation on monday and tuesday next week and I am REALLY REALLY dreading it. They tell secrets, they gossip, they play games they do all sorts of rubbish there. I will be treated like scum and I am not looking forward to it one bit.

Last night I was out and I felt bad and then good and then normal. It was very mixed. I don't have social media aside from facebook which I don't use often enough at all. I am not into that stuff even though I probably should be and could probably benefit from the interaction - but its all so fake.

Today I have spent a long time doing basic tasks for my internship because I want to make a good impression and FINALLY LEAVE MY CURRENT JOB to do something new with this company. It is relevant to my area of study and I can see myself doing it. I think I will take a huge downward turn if I don't get something out of this role. My attention is so strained by the thought of going to this place next week that I don't know how to find my way through this bad time.

I feel isolated and hated by people and I don't deserve to feel that way.

There is so much fake stuff in the world and I have had enough of it, but I don't know what to replace it with.

I feel empty and lost and I am really just done with pop psychology and BS self esteem movements that just say I need accept myself and love myself. That's not possible when I am in a bad place and surrounded by bad stuff. It's like saying "snap out of it" to someone who is depressed.

I feel like my social skills have taken a huge leap forward but then a giant leap backwards in the past 2 years. Back to where they were long ago.

I am tired. Really tired. Depressed and sad. Lonely and exhausted.