Higher Ed

I am glad to read that you have a support wroker @Appleblossom .

Thanks @hellen I could take it further but I don't have much fight left in me. I am not an indigenous student I am as pastey as can be, even translucent. If I swallow a pea you can see that peas journey from my mouth to my tail with the naked eye, I am that white. I was referring to the violent content of the video in the tutorial that was triggering of my past. I will do my best to advocate for myself, my NDIS support worker offered to call the Institution. Corny

How eloquently put @Corny , you have spoken of so much that resonates perfectly with me, and it always breaks my heart just that little bit more to hear of others who have experienced those things that drive us to be so protective of ourselves - once we've realised we need to be so.

Yes, I constantly have to remind myself I have the disabled label for a reason, especially so when I feel so bad about not being able to do the things I used to do.

My resilience has all been used up, there just isn't anymore left. I do the wee things that help me make it through each day, or not much at all, depending. I hope you can find a peaceful, safe place for yourself too Corny, it's an unusual experience to be able to feel safe in my own home. My experience tells me you're right about psychopaths and sociopaths being more prevalent than broadly accepted.

Intrinsic worth and being only of use to others - oh, that's so well put, and so insightful!

I still like to learn things, so I blend that with learning new things about my favourite hand works, crochet and sewing. Heh, I also like to learn new and easier ways to clean and tidy! I'm minimising my belongings again, I wish I could list the things I have to move on so someone here could make use of them if they needed/ wanted them.

Look after you Corny. I really, truly hope things smooth out for you.

It takes a bit of getting used to @Last-Lament . It really doesn't happen overnight. All of the labels take a bit of getting used to. Mentally-ill', 'disabled' all the derogatory labels talk back radio people say about us, dealing with the NDIS has been hard. I am much much happier than I was with my support, but you still have to weather a lot of ignorance, judgment etc......reading the doctors reports for my DSP application and Community Housing application I felt like I was floating outside of my body. Like huh, who's life was this?! Oh, its mine!

I can totally relate to all your resilience being used up, mine is completely gone, burnt-out. I told my Psychiatrist that I want to be on my own for the rest of my life, I am too damaged, and I am done. Something broke inside me that can never be put back together. I have my siblings, my niece and nephew, 5/6 close friends and I hope to get two puppies one day when I can access my super and make some more community connections because there is a strong community in the new suburb I have moved to with people like myself, people who have lost everything. It's so demoralising that all of our efforts to live well only keep our heads above water, but for people that still have their health, healthy eating, exercise, enough sleep and peace and quiet helps them thrive and prosper where we are only able to keep going.

You're exactly with learning @Last-Lament we don't have to pay a University to learn and some of the content is just so inaccessible and kind of like a bad High School English teacher can destroy great poetry, University can destroy your interests because the way they write is just so painful. All the posturing and showing off to other academics is so painful.

Thanks for your support, I hope that you can relax with a movie and do some craft this weekend, Corny

My sibs have had a talk to me @Last-Lament @hellen @Appleblossom @asdfge @borage , and they want me to leave university without finishing my degree........

They think that for people like me, the system isn't poorly designed, it is actually cruel and the ignorance I have been up against is absolutely confounding. Back in 2017 I got a letter after hospital and still recovering from psychosis that I had been placed on 'probation' because I am too slow.....

I can take another 2 years at another Uni, or do I give my body a break and move on to prioritise my health.......I don't know what to do......I will ask Dr Kindness for his clinical opinion on Friday.......

Hugs, Corny

@Corny

A lot depends on what you are studying and why. Whether the goal of finishing is worth managing the stress. I can understand why you do not want a battle re Rights.

Part of me thinks I should keep studying and part of me thinks if they put inflated HECS debt on my kids ... it might defeat the purpose. That said I keep checking maybe once per year to see if the way the courses are set up will suit me, and who the teachers are. Fascinating how the sturcture and courses keep changing like skirt fashions ...

It took me 8 years to get a 3 year degree, but it was well before my brain broke, the interruptions were about finances, getting jobs, music exams, and then children. I was a late starter 23.

Then It took me 3 years part time to do 4th year. That was due to neck issues. I would lay flat on my back and read. It was hard, but it was also a distraction from my pain, and I was trying to model for my son that I had to work and meet deadlines etc. He thought I just did what I wanted as I had worked for myself for 25 years.

When I went for a counselling qual the head of dept put me back from doing another pgrad diploma cos she said there was something wrong that undergrad took so long ... and I accepted doing a Cert 4 instead. Not proud enough huh! Then that lecturer was bitchy and I had to report her, but I finish and I follow through and got that Cert 4 in normal time and paid in full. That is not my problem at all. Its mainly bigotry of others as soon as I let something about my personal life slip Now I reflect on it I am disgusted in the lack of reflection and work that the lecturer had done on herself .... I am very slow to disgust cos put up with a lot of rubbish ... so now I say it straight.

I would be accepted into Masters ... but maybe I am not interested in strait jacket approach and want to keep my options open. I live very frugally but I do keep learning to stop from going stark raving ... and can pay for odd course and workshop .... also my ex husband's problems stemmed from his academic big brother professor .. and so am aware of those issues now ... not putting the ivory tower on a pedestal as I ised to do. I ended up socialising my son with tertiary teachers ... just the way it unfolded. A lot of young kids get a Masters easily these days ... so maybe I should not put myself in the same boat as them ... and say I have too many bits of paper,

@Last-Lament The concept of not letting in people in my house who hurt me is tricky and been tested by NDIS workers. SO on the one hand it might be good I am finally accepted as disabled, but now I also know enough to know that they often say very wrong things. 2 of them were young and so I had to forgive them as being inexperienced and have not reported them but spoken up within the relationship ... but still ... its a very mixed bag.

Take Care All

Apple

I got sick not long after starting @Appleblossom . Right in the middle of studying, I broke my brain real bad. It was a terrible experience, one I have not really recovered from. I just have no fight left in me. And it is so demeaning to not feel supported along the way......I concur, lecturers are a mixed bag, some are so sheltered and do not live on planet earth.

I have also had a mixed bag with the NDIS, and I changed the supports around because I could not cope with allowing strangers in my home that were not trained and were triggering me. They try to understand MI, and a lot do, but I haven't met a single one that understands trauma and neglect. Best Corny

hi @Corny i have recently been diagnosed with CPTSD, whic affects my health immunity means i am always depressed and anxious. and after a harder 2020 thab most. i am barely coping with the day to day of working full time let alone dealing with anything other than my health

so i completely understand where you are coming from. study is meant to be difficult anyway, they challenge you to learn new information and skills which is difficult.

there are options for you.

every university has a disability program and with a letter from your doctor you may be able to access a range of supports. depending on what your diagnosis is and how it affects your ability to study (a good doctor will work with you to list the things that affect memory, stress levels, and so on).

go part time. personally i find even part time hard because the thing no one understands about studying is that it's like a monkey on your back, at every single moment you "should be doing homework" you can't put it away like a 9-5 job, unless you are very strictly routined and give yourself set times to study and all other times are free!

defer. you can defer for a year. particularly with a letter from your doctor, explaining the difficulties.

you can also transfer your credits later to another uni that has comparable courses.

university can open a lot of doors. so now might not be the time for you, but i want you to not totally give up on the idea. also i know that my university is putting several courses through a revamp for indigenous education ready to run by 2022, it's a starter program, but once they undergo those changes all other course will follow. they are making a big push for diversity and inclusion for students. and knowing the way previous pushes have worked, this will be an effective and positive change.

but you know there's always ONE course, one class, one lecturer that just doesn't get with the program. and reporting them is the best thing we can do to fight for change.

i hope something i've said is helpful.

Thank you kindly for taking the time @hellen out of your busy day to reply to me, that is so generous of you.

I am on the DSP & NDIS for PTSD (But I have also experienced psychosis, MDD, anxiety/panic attacks all of it really, except mania).......I don't know how I could possibly provide more evidence that I am a genuine case, and haven't just gone to my GP one day for a little anxiety.

I think that is why I am so upset Hellen, from the beginning I signed up with the disability unit at the Uni, my Psychiatrist has written many letters. I have felt very very very exposed. I had a public breakdown which is never a nice experience, and to add insult to injury I was placed on probation.

The problem is that my Uni has a policy called 'Maximum Time To Complete', and it is about holding up the integrity of the degree, which makes logical sense. If I was writing a thesis I would have to keep going back and re-write my literature review again and again because it would no longer be relevant if I am too slow.......I think that if I want to I could be granted another 2 years to complete at another Uni, I don't know how strict they are. I have heard of other people getting some leniency..................I thought I was coping OK, but it has triggered a lot of memories and raw emotions for me and I felt very depressed about my life today. I am worried a dark depression is a few weeks/or months down the track.

I am trying to take it one day at a time.

Thank you for your words of encouragement Hellen. Maybe at another time I could be an agent of change and I would love to do some advocacy......but I am just so worn down. Every aspect of my life has been a fight if you know what I mean,

Stay cosy and warm under the covers, hugs, Corny

Hi @Corny, it sounds like there's been a lot of tricky stuff going on and I'm sorry. It can be so taxing to have to keep trying and feeling like you need to justify your need for extra support or adaptations. Something that's helped me is asking a support person if they can take over or assist with the process.

Also, just in case it's of interest to you, the next online peer group chat discussion happening on Thursday is on the topic of Working & Studying with Complex Mental Health Issues from 7-8:30pm. We'd love to have you join us! Here is the link for a little more info- you can also support the post to get a reminder on the day, and you can join us (or read the discussion back) through this link. Take care

oh boy @Corny if you are trying to write a thesis, that's a whole different bag to what assumed was coursework.

my job is to support post grads trying to do their literature reviews, but it feels more like i'm a counselor for PhDs to tell them yes their supervisor is a sociopath, i'm joking, mostly. but from my outside perspective i do not see the benefit of writing a thesis unless i plan a career in academia.

and, that way madness lies, especially in this political climate.

coursework is one thing, having a thesis on your back while dealing with any mental health issues is crippling. i highly recommend deferring, (if that's an option) give yourself time to decide if this is still what you want.

phds turn normal people into shadows of themselves. the handful i've met who breeze through it are not normal, they're exceptional. and then there's people like you and i.

this applies to masters and honours theses too, just to a lesser degree. i know, having watching hundreds of students go that route that i would maybe make it through a one year honours thesis, but i would be torn apart at the end.

im sorry if i missed cues earlier in the thread that made me assume incorrectly.

my ptsd was triggered a couple of weeks ago. the worst i've had in years. and i started 2020 with a mental breakdown, before the pandemic!

you and i are not the same, and i have a very coloured vision of the world through my own experiences. but again i hope something i have said validates some part of your thoughts. if not. remember, you in your gut, know the way to go.

i'm thinking of you, and i hope you find the peace you need at the moment. 🖤