Generally struggling and I'd appreciate some input

Hi @Danzig, thank you for opening up to share how you've been feeling Things sound like they're quite overwhelming, and I hope that you can find all the support you need- you deserve all the support in the world

If you think it could be helpful to speak with someone 1:1, you might like to reach out to one of our counsellors, the Suicide Callback Service, or Lifeline.

I will also reach out to you by email as I'm concerned for your wellbeing.

@Danzig Having been through similar in the past it does often seem the only option when life is just too unbearable. I am really pleased to hear you have supports in place and that you made that courageous move to do so. I used to write things down to give to my psychologist - so I did not freeze when there and also because I found it really difficult to actually get any words out. A lot of our earlier sessions were me nodding my head or shaking it to convey answers to her questions. Despite all that she was a good fit for me for that time. You have already written a lot here so that is a good start - maybe keeping a notebook with you to write in things that come up for you and you can bring up in sessions would be a good way to open up those lines of communication.

Part of the 'recovery' process is also acknowledging what works for you and what doesn't, where you have come from and where you are now and then finding ways to continuwe to move forward. I fully hear you about those behaviours and plans you have had that you are 'mourning' now - for me it was similar - having those plans and thoughts allowed me to know there was a 'way out' - and although I rarely have them now it is always in the back of my mind and something I have to continue to stay on top of. Much like anything else in our lives we need to re-learn how to deal with those thoughts and ways of getting through them ...and that is not easy.

I absolutely see the progress you have already made in just that one post though and hope by reaching out here you are able to add the wonderful people here to your support network - having those around you that understand, get it and can support you through this process has been invaluable for me and I hope it is also for you.

Hi @Danzig and welcome to the forums.

@Zoe7 has made some excellent suggestions about writing things down to take to your support person.

There are days for me that I prepare ahead of time with notes for the pharmacy people, just in case, after seeing the GP, I am in no fit state to be able to talk coherently.

I always make notes for the GP and the psychs and take them. If I can't talk, I'll hand them the notes and they can take it from there, 'cos sometimes it takes everything I"ve got just to get to the appointment. (I'm loving telehealth appointments - but I still write my questions down so I don't forget!)

Two years ago I started using a pretty A5 hard covered book that I write things in that I want to be able to remember to tell them, or to check on. I start notes as soon as I think of something I could ask about.

Perhaps something like that might work for you too. Sorta like a journal with extras.

Sounds like you're working on making good choices.

Hey @Danzig

Welcome and good stuff for reaching out!

What do you mean by feeling trapped? Can you elaborate on that for me so I can understand what you mean by that.

Thanks @Former-Member I'll be ok. Got both GP and psychologist appointments on Friday and getting much better at reaching out sooner if I need to.

@Zoe7 thank you, I know it's not just me, but it does help to hear of such similar experiences, especially hearing that your psychologist was a good fit inspite of some quite early sessions, that's what I'm holding out hope for. These are things I should have sorted out 10 - 20 years ago, and forcing myself to deal with them is definitely making things worse in the short term, just going through a phase where the goal is just a bit harder to see.
I do need to get better at writing things down ahead of time, I've at least started doing that for the GP, getting some stuff off my chest here is helping me figure out what I really need to say in my next session with the psychologist.

@Last-Lament I've been putting things in google notes lately, at least it makes it convenient when I don't have to remember to carry something with me. But definitely need to work on the consistency.

@AussieRecharger I guess I just feel like I've set things in motion (which is a good thing), but taken away all the other unhealthy coping methods I had. I'm sure it's ultimately a good thing, just feeling a little lost in this transition phase as I force myself down a path I'm not always sure I want to be on.

Thank you all for your support, it means so much to me.

@Danzig Need to head to bed but wanted to acknowledge I have read your post and will reply later when I can. Great to see you have support here too.

I'm an old time pen and paper person, but if digital notes work for you @Danzig that's brilliant, and you're getting used to working with jotting down thoughts when you have those thoughts instead of trying to remember them when the stress is rising.

Know it's okay to take baby steps until you decide how you want to manage what you do to help with this. Well done.

The way you described feeling trapped by the changes you've made, it made me think of those pick up/put down guide ropes or rails being moved to open an opportunity to try a different, less familiar pathway to a more desirable future.

Having said that, I still rail against things while making and tryiing to accept the changes.

Talking about the problem can be pretty hard when not talking is such a big part of most of our problems. It's embarrassing being in the early part of the age of communication. You'd think we could of learned to communicate better before we started. The future is probably (hopefully) going to laugh at us all.

Back to you. Everyone's right. You've done real well. Showing your finger to the void and making a plan. You reached in and found yourself. Coming back from the edge is work but its exciting and in ways its a new you (and yet the old you and always you. (or something. you know what I mean.))

Thanks @Last-Lament, getting there, it's all so different to what I've known in the past but I'm slowly wrapping my head around doing things a healthier way. Maybe I'd be more of a pen and paper person if I worked on my hand writing a bit

@wellwellwellnez thank you, I think it's just this adjustment period is a bit tough. But I'm definitely a poor communicator when I'm face to face with someone.

@Gwynn thanks, when these topics are so taboo, it's easy to feel like you're the only one sometimes, it's comforting to hear someone first hand dealing something similar. I'll give that guided meditation a go and see what I think, I'm happy to try pretty much everything, I at least owe myself that much.

I think part of what bothers me in general is that my life is great, I can't point to any external factors and say, "this is why I'm not doing well". Everything should be fine, I know it doesn't work that way, but it makes it difficult to justify those thoughts / feelings to myself, or anyone else, when they seem to come from nowhere.
Just working on a list of things to make sure I bring up in my next session, talking here has definitely helped figure out what I should be talking about. Thanks so much for all the support