Help. Please.

No I don't get time alone with my dad @saltandpepper which is a shame

my daughter, her partner snd littke A are coming over for lunch. One son has to work, he a police officer. younger son will join us for lunch.
Then a quiet afternoon. Msybe a walk down the Beach if weather is nice.

oh yeah littke A is full of beans too. She's up very early snd does not stop talking until she goes to sleep. That's why now our home is very quiet without her!!!
I helped her make a Mother's Day card for her mum. She was very excited.

@BlueBay Yeah they're noisy little buggers. Certainly notice it when they aren't around.. Nice the family is getting together tomorrow, sure it'll be a good day, as you deserve

Driving home yesterday, I knew I didn't feel right. Haven't felt good for a while now. That heaviness in my chest, the same thoughts cycling through, the way I was feeling I knew I wasn't in for a good night.

So, I checked in here, started the Friday Feast thread early as @Judi9877 mentioned (didn't occur to me about the time difference) but there were a few folks about around that time anyway @TAB @MDT @Snowie

There's been a lot of moments lately where I've found myself hanging by a thread. Yesterday was one of them. I tried very hard to challenge myself and do things differently, which is why I jumped on here last night. And it helped so much. Just chatting, about whatever, it really helped pull my head in. So thank you to the folks who were about last night @MDT @TAB @Bunniekins @Shaz51 @Snowie and everyone else who dropped in.

Things didn't take a great turn after I started drinking. I knew I shouldn't have and I held out as long as I could. I thought maybe I'd be alright since I was on here chatting to everyone. So I had a drink, then another, and very quickly my head space just flipped. I checked out of here and started doing some research. It's not something I've done before. Seeing if what I had on hand would be enough for a lethal dose. I spent a long time reading through pages of info, reading other peoples accounts of their attempts. I've never done that before.

The majority of my day--of late--I spend feeling very depressed. It hasn't eased up yet. But every now and then it dips drastically and these feelings that I just want to die sweep over me. Obviously it's not safe for me to drink right now if I want to stay alive. It's hard enough fighting off these feelings when I'm sober.

When I did all that research last night, ai wasn't capable of preparing anything. The house has years of shit stacked up in it. There's things I'd wanna sell so I can set aside money for my kid. There's a whole lot of loose ends I'd need to tie up before I do anything.

Today, I started cleaning out the house. I've written out what to do, chip away at a little bit every day because there's a lot to do. Two piles, rubbish and stuff to sell. I'm cleaning out the place because it's a shit storm here and it needs to be done, but in the back of my mind I'm going "well maybe next time you'll feel prepared".

I know these are not good thoughts. And when I saw my boy this arvo, I felt so happy to see him. I really do love him more than I ever imagined I could, he means everything to me. But I've got it in my head that if I'm not around anymore it doesn't mean I don't care about him or love him. It just means I can't keep living like this anymore, my shit, in my head, my past, my pain, it's consuming. It doesn't mean I don't love him, it just means this battle I keep fighting with myself is one I might lose.

Yeah, I'm safe tonight, I'm alright. Planning to take these new sleeping tablets and hope they actually knock me out tonight--didn't work last night despite having alcohol in my system as well. Maybe tonight I'll get a rock solid sleep and wake up tomorrow without this weight in my chest.

I don't know where my head is at with everything right now, brain feels tired. Overworked it lately. I'm not sure what I'm doing putting this all out there. Maybe so when I see my GP I can have something to show her rather than have to find the words. Maybe so one day if I get through this I can look back on this post and go: Well fu*k, you pulled through that you can do anything.

I don't know. Just know I'm not feeling good and it hasn't let up this time. So fu*king depressed and I'm so tired of fighting with myself.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way @saltandpepper

Can understand, I am ready to chuck it all in.

Sorry to hear it @Snowie anything you wanna talk about?

Nah @saltandpepper

I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight.

Well let me know if you ever wanna chat @Snowie I'm happy to listen. I hope tonight is good to you, and thank you, I hope so too. Took my tablets and just climbed into bed. Really hope they do something tonight

I hope for your sake they work for you tonight @saltandpepper

sleep well

@MDT Mate. Mate. Everything you post around here is incredibly thoughtful and full of warmth. I hate to think you've been anywhere near where I am, you're a good bloke.

I think the quiet these days is what's doing my head in. Having too much time to think and lacking the strength to control my own thoughts just isn't serving me well at the moment.

On a side note, these sleeping tablets aren't working. Whee for defiant body chemistry