27 yo with severe depression and dying mother.

Hi there @Lisa2. I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds like you have offered her a lot of time and support since she got sick. It can be exhausting when we feel like we have to put on a happy front for others in order to appear as if we are coping. I can hear you are struggling so much at the moment, and I'm glad you have found the forums. I hope you find it a supportive and safe space to share how you are feeling, especially if you find it difficult to do this face-to-face right now.

You are welcome to call the SANE helpline on 1800 18 7263 if you would like to speak to a counsellor

Hi @Lisa2

I just joined this forum today and your post was the first one I came across. I can say that I understand where you are coming from and you are not alone. I'm a carer for my mum too. She was diagnosed with MSA. (rare neurological condition) a few months ago. It is a mentally and physically exhausting role being a carer and like yourself, I too have struggled to stay mentally positive in addition to having to deal with my own childhood PTSD which has been constantly triggered by her. It is really hard, like youself, I want to give up at times, however I know its not an option. I have a few practical advice I use myself which i will share. Hope you find them helpful.

1) Self-Care, as cliche as it sounds, self care is really important. And when I say self care, I'm talking about doing activities that contribute to brain health (feel good factor). Exercise is one as it releases dopamine and endorphins. Also simple act of going for a quick walk for sunshine and fresh air does wonders. Also, make sure to eat well. Those things are important to help you get through the day.
2) Professional help - Engage in a good mental health professional. My experience is that good ones can be hard to find, and still there's the issue if you vibe with them or not. However they are out there, you need to just persevere, ask your GP for any recommendations

3) Hobby/passionate cause - Pick something you are passionate about and visualize this as part of your future. Example, I. working towards being a designer, so everyday, I make an effort to work towards that. Even if it's as little as 30min, every little bit of work contributes to your goal. Put on some uplisfting music when you engage in these activities.

4) Boundaries - know that you are doing a great job. you should be very proud of yourself. But to take care of others, you need to take care of yourself first. So you need to be able to set boundaries. You can't take care of everything, and many things are beyond your control anyway. So draw that line where you are comfortable to say to yourself, "I have done enough, and I am okay with that" The situation is not a bottomless well.

At the end of the day, I really try not let my current situation define me. I know no matter how hard it gets, tomorrow will be a better day, it's not forever.

Take care! x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It's nice when someone can understand. All those tips are great. I will try and take them all onboard. I hope you're doing okay too x

Hugs @Lisa2 ,

Everything you are feeling is valid. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.

As @missmavy a has so well put, self-care is of utmost importance. Eating well, sleeping well, exercising....as much as this are difficult at the moment, these few basic elements can make a huge difference.

Please take care,

BPDSurvivor

Thankyou. Yes the response from the community has really helped me today. I will look into talking to a counsellor perhaps x

Thankyou for taking the time to respond. I will try to look after myself more. Had a good day at work, took the dog for a walk, had a healthy dinner and didn't have any alcohol today. My head feels clearer x

To update everyone, my mum has moved into a hospice today. It is sad knowing she probably won't be coming home but there is peace of mind knowing she is safe, and is surrounded by people who can properly take care of her. I will be seeing her on Wednesday. I am scared to go as my sister told me today my mum told her she is scared to die, but wants to so all of this will be over and she will no longer be in pain. I'm scared seeing her will break me..

@Lisa2

Just wanted to say your not alone when feeling this stuff. Be honest with yourself, your hurting and that's okay.

When my mum was in a home with dementia, I decided that I could not do it anymore and she ended up in her marble cubby house 3 months later. I don't regret that decision because I valued my relationship with my mum and seeing her in that condition upset me and I know that is not what she would have wanted. The old saying is you "can't pour from an empty cup" and it sounds like your cup is close to empty. Even though your mum is still here, you are still allowed to grieve the loss of your relationship as it would have changed a lot over this time.

Be kind to yourself, as others have said, you have done a fantastic job and now is the time for you you to recharge. I don't know your workplace but I would sit down with your manager and let them know how you are feeling. My workplace approached me and they gave me invaluable support and it was uplifting to feel that they valued how I felt during such a difficult time.

Good luck and don't be afraid to let people know how your feeling. Your feelings are who you are.

Good morning @Lisa2

In response to your fear in seeing your mother breaking down; I am caring for my mother who is loosing her ability to think and remembering who she is. Everytime the doctors does a memory test she breaks down and says 'that she is stupid now'.. this is a woman that is highly intelligent and always had a can do attitude. I'm seeing her loose herself and its hard and all she wants things to end but not end (if that makes sense). She is holding for dear life just to see her only grandson (my child) who is one years old to grow up and remember her and her teachings.

When you go and see your mum just be there and be present. Let her see that everything here will be fine and that she is free to let go. I think is scared to die because she is scared to let you and your siblings go (like any mother). If she knows you are ready to stand without her then her passing will be peaceful and easier. Cry and laugh with her and saviour every last minutes you have with her because that is the best and worst time for you (being in the living world) because it will be memorable knowing you had her on those last moments.

Lots of blessings and hope these moments will last a life time for you.

@Lisa2

Hello "Lisa"

Your feelings are very normal. My Mum passed away 18 months ago. Mum had lived with me for quite a while before her passing. Mum was very independent. During the last months, when she was in residential care, I visited her each day. Although I had not imagined that Mum would be happy with anyone reading anything with/to her, it was a comfort for me and, I believe for her, for me to read from a book, by an author, whose work we both enjoyed. In the last 3 days, I recall sitting in a chair in her room reading from a book by that author. It gave me a feeling of continuity and closeness with my Mum in that last stage. I can tell you that as I type this message, I have tears in my eyes. Just be there with your Mum, you really do not have to do anything else and you need do nothing else. For my part, I extend to you support and comfort in your time with your Mum.

With My Very Sincere Wishes of Care, Support and Comfort,

HenryX