at war with myself now at war with family this feels like a safe space to ramble without expectations

hi everyone this is not a post to complain about my mind or thoughts ,fears or feelings instead Im going to just write a mix of facts and feelings from today in particular but also the last week or so or whatever I need to say if anyone reads this and can understand where Im coming from thank you fact 1 I am at a point where I have to figure personal problems on my own fact 2 I had a conflict with family today who where trying to help me with personal problems but based on my behaviour towards them they dont feel they can help me and have chosen to take a break from trying to help me as they have reached their personal emotional limits of being able to help me so now Im on my own to figure myself out fact 3 I have been advised by these family members so much and yet havnt as they see it listened to them ,they are right fact 4 I have recently started counselling which now is the only one I can and probably has been the only one I should be talking to about these things fact 5 I feel pressure from both myself,my family and online date fact 6 I havnt been happy with anyones expectations of me including my own high expectactions fact 7 Ive felt angry,confused,misunderstood fact 8 Ive put so much preasure and expactions on myself and family emotionally fact 9 Ive kept choosing to want to spend time getting to know online date even though there are red flags as Ive become attached to him and also still want to see him in person/in regards to this family members see that Im not thinking about my personal safety/also in regards to this theres things that I have kept to myself and in short that is because of the type of relationship I have with this person fact 10 Ive been pushing both family boundaries and expectations fact 11 my behaviour has become more loud/swearing/vulgar/not taking serious things serious in short Ive become more rebelious/not well behaved towards either myself personally and family around me 12 Ive had a constant habit of complaining and sounding negative to anyone and everyone around me airing my personal laundry ,talking constantly about my personal problems even when others do not wish to hear it 13 the person Im getting to know has complex personal issues ranging from mental health issues,alcoholic,became violent towards self and a family member of theirs 14 he always wants me to visit him at a private location or a public location with few people around and when its dark 15 I find that I have made excuses for this behaviour of his based on the kind of relationship we have,family has advised me that hes being emotionally manipulative 16 even though this man could be bad for me emotionally and physically Ive become attached to him so dont want to leave him even when he himself has told me to leave him as I supose Ive accepted that we are both self destructive risk takers who dont want to be cautious fact 16 I feel angry towards myself ,my family and at times him but I always treat the man nice anyway fact 17 he may have a tendancy to be controlling towards me emotionally / Ive never really told him no I just either say yes or agree with him or I stop talking and push him away when I dont agree or when I am upset fact 18 I have a deep seated fear of losing anyone including family and today I felt as those I had lost those few family members cause of my behaviour while they been trying to help me through things /I also pushed away and shutdown on talking to those particular family members and also shutdown and pushed away the man Im getting to know Ive become sick and tired of my own behaviour towards everyone around me I feel as though Im not loving anyone including myself but instead hurting everyone emotionally because of my behaviour ,I now feel isolated and alone