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I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor01 Mar 2021, 11:38 am AEDT

I think I might be done

I ran away again on Friday night. I threw a few emergency things in a supermarket bag and bolted while he was out in the back yard smoking. I actually did it early that morning but succumbed to the begging and came home at lunchtime. By 10pm I'm backing out of the driveway with no plan.

I went to his place. After 15 minutes aimless driving I remembered I had his key on my set. His townhouse on the other side of the city that he hasn't been back to in almost a year. It has no internet or hot water and is hotter than hades. I barely got through the weekend with two fans and and icepack. It's a lot further from my work than my place and there are bridge tolls each way but at least I'm safe from his tyrades.

He hasn't tried to get in touch, which bothers me considering what he often threatens.

This morning I have sent a VERY long email to him. I decided that someone had to call him out about the childish, irrational and menacing way he deals with everyone, including me. Someone needed to present him with a few home truths and, in consultation with his father, I decided that ultimately I was the one with nothing to lose. If he walks out on me as a result it certainly wouldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened.

A few brief exerpts:

I know you are unaware of how menacing and belligerent you sound. To try to give you some context, most people go their entire lives without having the police or an ambulance called for them, or having security escort them from a premises, or have call centre workers cry and hang up on them or have their childrens' teachers refuse to return their calls.

I have reached the conclusion that you, perhaps subconsciously, do not want a peaceful, happy life. Every time I think things are starting to run smoothly you either create a new drama or resurrect an old one. I honestly believed that by giving you a comfortable home, nutritious food, a loving ear and a welcoming heart to your children you would find peace.

The realisation dawns on me that there is nothing in my power to make your life easier if you persist with this destructive self-sabotage.

I would like you to think about how you would feel if you overheard P..... speaking to your mother the way you speak to me sometimes. If he called her stupid, or a b.. or a s... or a c.... I don't believe I am any of those things. I know you love me but that doesn't mean what it should if you are unable to treat me with respect and dignity.

I know you won't like a lot of what I've had to say, but I had to say it. You probably won't agree, you will probably think I am betraying you and persecuting you the way you think the whole world does. Sometimes, stuff happens. It just happens; no one is to blame. You don't have to live your life as if you were always a victim.

Because here is the thing my forum friends, I also don't have to live my life as if I were a victim and I realise that's what I've been doing. I've had some very long conversations with his elderly father and have been given information about his early life and when things started to go wrong. My kinda sorta father in law asked me outright if I still wanted to be living on the roller coaster in 15 or 20 years time, if I wanted to be treated like this for the rest of my life. He pointed out that I am the one here that actually has a choice where I've been telling myself for the last year that I have no choice.

I didn't want to let his parents or his children down. I didn't want to let him down. Dad says no one is letting anyone down but he himself and that they are all amazed I've lasted so long. Dad thinks I should call the police and have him evicted from my house. I won't do that.

I have proposed that I spend a few nights a week at his place so I'm not walking on eggshells with no respite and we can then see how we feel after a couple of months. I'll have to go back to mine soon as I'm at work now in weekend clothes and I've left my satchel with some files in at home as well. I'll wait and see what response I get in the meantime and will buy a portable AC on the way home tonight.

Wish me luck.

77 replies

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In response to: I think I might be done

Unknown userMember29 Apr 2021, 4:46 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

Hey @SJT63, I hope you're well today 💗

It was concerning when I read that he lost his temper with you 63% of the days for those 1.5 years or so you were keeping records! That mustn't have felt good to be on the receiving end of that. That kind of frequency is more than anyone deserves to have to deal with, especially over such a long period of time

I do know you've tried to put firm boundaries in place with his behaviour, and that you have been able to leave for your safety and wellbeing, so I have faith you can continue to do things like that to look after yourself as needed.

Please take good care in the meantime. Speaking of which, the peer support team at SANE is having a group discussion about self-care in a week, which you might be interested to join (or read the transcripts of afterwards)

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor29 Apr 2021, 5:56 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@Former-Member thank you for your concern. It is getting easier for me as I learn that it's not always me he's angry with in the first place, that it's rarely because I've actually done something a rational person would think was wrong or that I should or can prevent the outbursts.

I'm getting help myself to keep me from taking too much on board and learning to stop trying to placate him all the time.

At this stage I still believe he is worth it x

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor05 May 2021, 9:32 am AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63 hello...

I have tried to tag you but as I use my phone predominantly it can be difficult...on the computer this morning and here you are.

I think of you often and hope and have sent wishes to the Universe that things are on the improve for you. I wish I could give you a hug and ear but please know I am in your corner if you need either...

Love always me 🙂

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor05 May 2021, 1:07 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

hello @Anastasia how delightful to hear from you

I'm keeping a lower profile these days, partly because I'm not completely at my wits end right now and partly because I think I've become a bit like the boy who cried wolf.

Relatively calm right now.. both of us... a combination of me not taking the bait so easily and him being floored by my confession that I'm genuinely scared sometimes. I think he is actually trying some the exercises his psychologist gave him instead of paying lip service in the meeting and not bothering afterwards.

I'm also trying hard to remember that he doesn't recognise any tacit clues to my mood that I might be displaying and articulating my feelings in a much more literal way. The only thing I'm still not game enough to do is turn him down when he wants an "early night", which is most nights, but he's doing much better at not losing his temper with me if his wheels fall off.

I have a wedding booked for a fortnight's time (well, booked a month ago) so I'm getting a bit excited about that.

Hope you are finally over that lurgy and your life is quiet.

xoxo

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor05 May 2021, 1:51 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

Forget about the wolf @SJT63, always here for you as are others.

Well meaning advice can sometimes be a trigger, I get that, enough said xox

Sooooo, a wedding, how exciting S, a chance to put make up on and dress up...enjoy lovely. You deserve something to look forward to.

Im okish - lurgy has gone but my health is still pretty sh*t. So much stress, and I am noticing signs that concern me. Not much I can do other than push on in the hope some light eventually shows at the other end *sigh

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor10 May 2021, 1:13 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63

A wedding, how exciting. Is Mr S on the invite? Are you shopping for a new dress? Time for New Jewerlly? A chance to dress up Mr S in a tux?

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor10 May 2021, 2:30 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@AussieRecharger I'm a celebrant. I will be up the front saying the posh words and I don't go to the after party. I have a few nice "wedding frocks" that I've made specifically for the job, as my regular clothes are too loud. It is the only time I wear makeup or I look about 600 years old and deathly ill in the photos.

I'm lucky if I can get Mr S to shower and change his undies so a suit is well out of the question. No, he doesn't come with me, I'm my own roadie.

That being said, he did wash and put on clean clothes to go see his mum yesterday.

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor10 May 2021, 7:49 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

Sounds like he had a good day yesterday then. Did you?

What is he thinking about when he wakes up and does not want to change his undies?

How does he go when you sit down and watch something like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuyGMVYzQyI

Or does that just lead to a trigger? How does he learn, is he visual, like working with his hands or does he learn multitasking such as listening to music and working with his hands?

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor12 May 2021, 12:59 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@AussieRecharger

No I had a terrible day the day I took him to his mums. He woke me at 4am to begin a rant about something that happened at his own place a year ago. He decided we should call in there on our way to mum's and wake up the chairman (body corp) and video the altercation. Because I said I didn't want to do that he threatened me but I refused to budge and guess what? He didn't walk out on me! I said I'd wait in the car, but I wouldn't involve myself.

By 7am he was exhausted from his explosions and went back to bed. We supposed to leave at 7:30 but he had gone into what I call "limp toddler" mode so I finally got him clean and dressed and we got on the road an hour late.

2.5 hours drive there (oh, and I had to provide the food as well) and 3.5 hour drive back (worse traffic) and then in his sights in the evening because I was too tired to "make love" with any real enthusiasm.

But that was only one day. Monday was quite good, Tuesday not bad, today not so good as I've had him on the phone, but may be ok when I get home as his boys are coming for dinner.

He has no trouble showering and changing his undies if he has to go out, its just that he doesn't go out much. I am no longer offered the same courtesy, although when I first met him he was always clean.

He will work between the garden and his modelling workshop all day and sleep beside me in the same gardening clothes.. for days at a time... and wonder why I don't want to cuddle. A heady mix of aromas; blood and bone, paint thinners and stale sweat. At least he takes his wellies off.

It's not about depression, it's about unnecessary effort. He doesn't bathe in the mornings because the minute his eyes open he's off and running (or running at the mouth) and what's the point of washing if you're about to go and get dirty?

In the evenings he finishes up quite late and well, what's the point if he's only going to get up and do it all again tomorrow? He will wash if I ask him to, but I have to let it go quite a few days before I can ask without him getting offended.

No way on god's green earth would I show him your video, he thinks all things like that are a total

w*&()nk. In any case he has the life he wants. He plays in his vege garden or his modelling room all day and someome else takes care of everything else.

FYI we are both multi-taskers. He blares out prog-rock all day (aweful stuff like King Crimson) while he works. I listen to podcasts or audiobooks while I do everything else, and if I sit and try to watch tv in the evening (sound down, captions on in case I disturb him) I still have to be playing a game on my phone or something or I can't follow the tv show.. too many thoughts!

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor12 May 2021, 1:48 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63

That's a really interesting read. .. I know that probably comes across as insensitive but it reminds me of the book about Richard Kuklinski.

As frightening as it must be, it is good to see you are starting to stand your ground but stinky special cuddles definitely don't sound appealing. I get the feeling your probably left hanging as well.

Where do you go from here? Is he the most singular piece of importance in your life or do you still have good connections with friends and family yourself?

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