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I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor01 Mar 2021, 11:38 am AEDT

I think I might be done

I ran away again on Friday night. I threw a few emergency things in a supermarket bag and bolted while he was out in the back yard smoking. I actually did it early that morning but succumbed to the begging and came home at lunchtime. By 10pm I'm backing out of the driveway with no plan.

I went to his place. After 15 minutes aimless driving I remembered I had his key on my set. His townhouse on the other side of the city that he hasn't been back to in almost a year. It has no internet or hot water and is hotter than hades. I barely got through the weekend with two fans and and icepack. It's a lot further from my work than my place and there are bridge tolls each way but at least I'm safe from his tyrades.

He hasn't tried to get in touch, which bothers me considering what he often threatens.

This morning I have sent a VERY long email to him. I decided that someone had to call him out about the childish, irrational and menacing way he deals with everyone, including me. Someone needed to present him with a few home truths and, in consultation with his father, I decided that ultimately I was the one with nothing to lose. If he walks out on me as a result it certainly wouldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened.

A few brief exerpts:

I know you are unaware of how menacing and belligerent you sound. To try to give you some context, most people go their entire lives without having the police or an ambulance called for them, or having security escort them from a premises, or have call centre workers cry and hang up on them or have their childrens' teachers refuse to return their calls.

I have reached the conclusion that you, perhaps subconsciously, do not want a peaceful, happy life. Every time I think things are starting to run smoothly you either create a new drama or resurrect an old one. I honestly believed that by giving you a comfortable home, nutritious food, a loving ear and a welcoming heart to your children you would find peace.

The realisation dawns on me that there is nothing in my power to make your life easier if you persist with this destructive self-sabotage.

I would like you to think about how you would feel if you overheard P..... speaking to your mother the way you speak to me sometimes. If he called her stupid, or a b.. or a s... or a c.... I don't believe I am any of those things. I know you love me but that doesn't mean what it should if you are unable to treat me with respect and dignity.

I know you won't like a lot of what I've had to say, but I had to say it. You probably won't agree, you will probably think I am betraying you and persecuting you the way you think the whole world does. Sometimes, stuff happens. It just happens; no one is to blame. You don't have to live your life as if you were always a victim.

Because here is the thing my forum friends, I also don't have to live my life as if I were a victim and I realise that's what I've been doing. I've had some very long conversations with his elderly father and have been given information about his early life and when things started to go wrong. My kinda sorta father in law asked me outright if I still wanted to be living on the roller coaster in 15 or 20 years time, if I wanted to be treated like this for the rest of my life. He pointed out that I am the one here that actually has a choice where I've been telling myself for the last year that I have no choice.

I didn't want to let his parents or his children down. I didn't want to let him down. Dad says no one is letting anyone down but he himself and that they are all amazed I've lasted so long. Dad thinks I should call the police and have him evicted from my house. I won't do that.

I have proposed that I spend a few nights a week at his place so I'm not walking on eggshells with no respite and we can then see how we feel after a couple of months. I'll have to go back to mine soon as I'm at work now in weekend clothes and I've left my satchel with some files in at home as well. I'll wait and see what response I get in the meantime and will buy a portable AC on the way home tonight.

Wish me luck.

77 replies

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In response to: I think I might be done

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor19 Apr 2021, 8:21 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63

You could share more of the other side of him... so we get to be part of the good, and not just riding with you during the bad.

It would help us to see what you see in Mr S and maybe let us join in hoping for him as well.

Come back and play miss @SJT63

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor19 Apr 2021, 8:53 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

Oh yes @AussieRecharger I like that idea very much @SJT63. Waiting to hear all of his good points hun. Hugs and hugs x

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor20 Apr 2021, 11:25 am AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@Anastasia @AussieRecharger

The prologue to the first chapter of my novel about us:

“I’ll make the coffee” he said this morning “you just lie there and look glamourous”. I had morning breath and bed-hair wearing only my sensible, big-girl knickers while each double-D lolled to the side under its adjacent armpit. It wasn’t sarcasm. Reflected in his eyes I was Marilyn, Sophia and Audrey all rolled into one. Yesterday, before he’d said this I wrote:

In your eyes I see a mirror

far removed from the one in the bathroom.

In your eyes I am reflected in beauty

In your eyes I am reflected whole

I feel happy and loved and so, so sexy

Reflected in the mirror of your eyes.

I had written that after a phone conversation we’d had over the weekend where he’d compared me to Jacinda Adern. He’d been musing on what a wonderful coffee date it would be between the two strongest and most compassionate women he knew. WOW!

His octogenarian father had called me earlier the same day to thank me for a photo of one of the kids I’d sent him and once again gushed about the difference I had made to the lives of everyone in their family. Marilyn, Sophia, Audrey and Mother Effiing Theresa and oh how I wish I could see myself through their eyes.

Of course, this was written 6 months into the relationship and long before he moved all his baggage (physical and metaphorical) into my house. Our relationship worked a lot better when I wasn't with him every day. Mainly because I could catch up on sleep when I was alone. I could exhale.

He still sees my that way. Confessing to him last week that I had become afraid of him has made a difference I think.. I hope...

I will think of more nice things later.

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor20 Apr 2021, 11:44 am AEST

Re: I think I might be done

Oh @SJT63

you should be a paid writer lol, you do write extremely well...the visuals lol, gold (((((hugs)))))

Thank you for sending this through, I am unwell and working but also sipping on a ginger and lemon "lemsip" which tastes awful with the amount of sugar they have laced it with, so your much needed message made me giggle and forget temporarily about the God awful taste.

Isn't it "funny" how our men see us compared to how we see ourselves...the truth is you would be all that he sees and more I have absolutley NO doubt about that in my mind.

Great to hear from you S, love and hugs always 🙂

Hi @AussieRecharger hope you are doing ok too 🙂

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor20 Apr 2021, 8:15 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

Thanks @Anastasia

I am having what I would call a crossroads day. I hate every direction the roads are pointing around me and I reluctantly walk the path I have walked before. On a good note.. i did kick a little goal so you know. woohoo, celebrations.

@SJT63 Funnily enough, I could mentally picture your whole scenario.. I think it shows age, wisdom and experience when a man knows exactly whats its like to see the boobs flop out the sides of the singlet top.

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor21 Apr 2021, 10:00 am AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@AussieRecharger any goal scored is a good goal

in fact, any goal kicked and missed is a good goal for the kicking

maybe the roads are ok and you just need new footy boots?

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor23 Apr 2021, 9:43 am AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63

No, not new footy boots required. I think i just need to carve my own path and stop waiting for others to do the right thing.

Anyways.. enough about me.

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor29 Apr 2021, 11:38 am AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@AussieRecharger @Anastasia

When Mr S is in the sweet spot... that place between mania and depression when he is "himself".. the spot that can last for only an hour, but sometimes several days....

......then he is hillarious. I had never laughed so much in all my very life until I met him.

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor29 Apr 2021, 2:11 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63

What is it about this place? can you see it coming or is it like a lightbulb, and he just switches into it? Is it like he is no longer anxious and feels free to be himself?

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor29 Apr 2021, 3:17 pm AEST

Re: I think I might be done

@AussieRecharger

Each morning I can tell by the shape of his face and the look in his eyes if he is there or not and, if not, later his body language may change to signal he's coming back. That is when I feel the most pressure not to accidentally fire things up again.

He is here when he has the strength to quieten his racing thoughts and live in the moment with me, when he can put all the endless, countless worries and past grievances behind him for a short time. He is always anxious, it's just a matter of how he deals with it. He always feels free to be himself with me, which is why I cop such a barrage when he is upset. I am his safe place.

Sometimes he leaves me gradually so I can steel myself, like when we approach one of the many "anniversiaries of bad things" that he observes, but mostly leaving is instanteous as a result of a phone call, or a news article, or something out of place, misplacing an item, plans changing.... any of his triggers.

Sometimes he's gone for an hour or so, then he will approach me for a hug or something to reassure himself I'm still on his side.

Sometimes he's gone for months, as you've read in previous posts. When he comes back after such long times no, I don't see it coming, it's like a breath of fresh air and we both weep in each others' arms in shear relief. When he's been gone for months he doesn't stay long the first time, but becomes "himself" incrementally in short bursts until he's been there a whole day, then maybe two.... and then we reach our version of normal. When he's been gone for months its usually only short circuited by me doing something dramatic, like moving out for a few days.

I leave when I become too frightened of his anger, which then causes a deep depression and it's from the depression that he will gradually emerge.

The longest he's ever stayed "normal" at a stretch is 11 days. I used to keep a spreadsheet but I don't any more. I made daily entries for 609 days and he lost his temper with me on 384 of them. He is lucky that on the other 225 he made me laugh.

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