Hi @utopia
I think my therapist could be right. you see when I write letters or poems I am expressing myself, my feelings whether sad or happy, but most of mine are sad.
And because my letters etc are sad I tend to get so emotional after writing because I feel the hurt so much inside.
So by doing this it is a form of self harm - not physical (although at times I do) but mostly it is emotional.
I never even thought of it like that until my therapist said that. By doing what I do I am going over and over and over the same thing - but there is never a resolution (and i don't know if there will ever be a resolutoin) so i get so upset and cry so much.
How do i stop it? - He says to me 'just don't write anymore letters to my parents especially my dad' - yeah easy for him to say. And in fact I just remembered when i was in hospital - all i wrote in my journal were letters and poems about my dad. and what did i do after writing - bawl my eyes out.
I said to my therapist on saturday that i feel i am two differrent people - one a child craving so much for love, attention, support, hugs etc. and this child in me is at the moment so destructive, so manipulative to try to get attention and love and hugs. Then there is me the adult - who is a good wife, mum, worker, friend. and i don't show that other side to people. i also told him that in my sessions with him and my psych i feel that i am a 'child' and the more they say 'don't do this' the more i want to do it - just to show them, get back at them, prove something. Don't know where that is coming from - maybe my childhood because i had to prove myself all the time; or get the approval of my mum all the time up until 6 yrs ago.
Maybe what i do is self punishment which i guess is a form of self harm. is it for attention - well i guess it is because i want to feel loved, supported and even feel someones arms around me to give me a hug.
gosh now i am cryhing, i need to stop. think i need a group hug.
