Father's Day

@BlueBay I could've written this post. I am estranged from my Dad (although not by my choice). Every Father's Day I buy him a card and a gift and every Father's Day they pile up in my cupboard because my Dad refuses to see me. It breaks my heart. This Father's Day I asked if I could take him to lunch but his refusal hit me square in the heart. I don't know why I keep on doing it.

I used to have a great relationship with my Dad before he got remarried to my mother's sister (yes my family belongs on Jerry Springer I know). These days I only hear from him every now and then and we only talk for about 5 minutes. I always feel horrible after speaking to him in that I know I'm not his little girl anymore. Even now I have tears thinking about it.

I guess it makes it harder because I lost my mother at the age of 11. She died suddenly. Now I've lost my other parent as well.

I'm sorry @BlueBay you don't have the relationship with your Dad that you would like to have. Gentle hugs for you, as I certainly know your pain.

Hi @Queenie

My story is a long one but basically 6 yrs ago when i remembered i was abused as a child i told my parents and they have not spoken to me since. We reconciled for about a year but never the same. haven't spoken to them since June 2015. My mum is a very manipulative controlling person who takes over everyone's lives. There is no possible way of speaking or seeing my dad because of her.

So i have to let it be for now. i willl write him a card and leave it in my box. i don't forget how hurtful my mum was towards me, i will never forget what she said to me - all without my dad there.

I'm sorry to read tht you don't have contact with your dad either, i understand the pain of wanting someone in your life and you can't have it.

And in a way i believe we are grieving the loss of someone and it's damn hard.

Take care @Queenie

@Former-Member you're in a tough situation as well.

You're right though us BPD don't like abandonment or stress,, we can't hadle it. I just can't comprehend why any parent would do what ours have done.

I feel for you too. Good idea to post the coffee mug and card to him. Gee if i did that i would get it sent back from my mum. i know because i've done it before and it broke my heart.

It' so hard when our parents are aging and it's sad to lose them; but i know in my heart that i have done nothing wrong so therefore i will leave it to God. Whatever happens happens.

Thank you @Former-Member for being so supportive, i know it's hard for you too.

We need another group hugxxxooo

This is a 'virtual card' to my dad for Father's Day:

Dear Dad

I know I won't be able to see you because of circumstances beyond my control. I think of you every single day and hope and pray that one day I will see you and you still remember who I am. I don't understand why things happen in our lives that tear us apart but I know you are hurting such as much as me. you have a heart of gold and i know you would do anything to change what has happened.

So this Sunday I will remember you and for everything you have done for me and I am so thankful that you gave me a headstart to life. And that gift was given to me from all you hard work over the years.

Wishing you have a happy day this Sunday with whoever visits you. But don't forget I will still say 'Happy Father's Day' to you in my own silent world without you.

I do have some happy memories of my childhood with you but there is one particular photo that i will treasure in my mind forever and that is you holding me as a 2 yr old. Me in my fluffy red jumper and dark curly hair. That is the only photo i will hold onto forever. Even though I don't physically have the photo (because mum won't give it to me) I visualise the photo daily.

I love you so much and I hope that one day we can reunite again.

Love you always,

your daughter xxxxxoooo

So much around at the moment about father's day. I just wish this weekend didn't come around.

I am crying thinking about my dad and how i can't see him. I can't explain the pain i have in no contact.

all i see everywhere is father's day, don't forget; stores with presents, cards

it is so hard, people ask me what am i doing on father's day - i wish i could disappear for the weekend.

I told my therapist today that i wrote a fathers day letter to my dad. He said to me 'how did it make you feel and i replied worse, i was emotional and couldn't stop crying.

He said to me that by doing that it is a form of self harm. I am self harming myself emotionally.

He said i am getting nowhere with writing to my parents. I told him it was me expressing my emotions but he said it is not helping because i am getting too upset.

I never thought about it before but maybe i am doing this as a self-punishment, self harming.

what do others thnik?

Hi @BlueBay. I really feel for you, I know what it is like to go through Father's Day....wishing....hoping things will change and my Dad would come back into my life and we'd have a great father-daughter relationship..........

But it'll never happen. I think writing letters and cards to your Dad probably could be classified as emotional self harming if it does indeed do you harm by getting hurt and upset about it. I can't tell you to stop it however, as I do exactly the same thing. I actually had a lightbulb moment reading that part of your previous post. I never thought I had self harming behaviour, perhaps I was very very wrong.

I think the idea of reliving trauma to properly deal with it ... is not the only HEALING paradigm.

If it just keeps opening the emotional wound and we are not getting relief, closure or other form of healing .. then it is repeatedly self harming.

Most of my self harming was completely UNINTENTIONAL. I was trying to contain my stress. I had already had 10 years of witnessing what OVERT self harm did to the person and to those around him/her.

But in the end I developed a behaviour that did function to permanently and physically damage me .. it just did not involve blood like my brother and sister's style of self harm.

There are so many contradictory ideas out there re emotional healing.

I think it is HEALTHY not to touch the fire if it is going to burn you ... but ok to go out in the sun mornings and late arvo .. for a bit of sun and Vitamin D.

If there is a wound ... a loss ... we should allow natural growth process to let the skin scab and eventually self repair ... without knocking the scab off ....

I dont know if that makes any sense??

EG., I am glad that I just heard that World Pneumonia Day is my dad's birthday ... thats a little coincidence that gives me consolation ... and doesnt make me feel hurt for me and him ... but just a sad stoic .. sense of natural justice.

Some years I visited his grave many many times ... some years I dont .. I just let it be my own process to determine what I feel is the right thing to do.

Mostly I distance from Fathers Day ... it is not part of my world.