Feeling Fragile

Hi @HenryX

How has your Saturday been??

I have been so bored, I fell asleep on the couch!

Hope your day has been more interesting than mine 😉

@Dani1981

Hi Dani,

Here I was thinking that you were going to be having a great weekend and you are saying that you were bored and fell asleep. I hope the activity level sparks up this evening for you, although you are probably in the middle of it right now. Lifting my glass (plastic with coffee in it at the moment) to say Cheers and I hope this evening is more exciting than the day seems to have been.

Today, as I do on most Saturdays, I went to friends for a gathering and lunch, after which we went for a walk in some hills nearby. Our hills are really mole-hills in comparison to real hills, but the afternoon was pleasant. It is just after 6.00 pm here. Having just arrived home a while ago, thought I would catch up with you and others on the site.

I was pleased to see your message, thank you

and My Very Best Wishes for This Evening

HenryX

Hi @HenryX

Well the weekend got a little more interesting after that Saturday. I am not much of a homebody, I hate it in fact. I feel alone and bored at home.

So I met up with a cousin on Sunday and we went to the Museum on Monday.

I've been working since, and today I met up with a friend as I dont work Fridays.

How has your week been?

@Dani1981

Hi Dani,

I am pleased to hear that the weekend progressed with at least some pleasant activity. A little concerned that events had not been quite as you would have liked. However, still some positives during the weekend.

Weekend and week so far, pretty quiet for me. I lost a list of forum contacts, people with whom I have neutral or better interaction, yours, both alphabetically and positive-wise, near the top of the list. Lost because of a power outage, and I hadn't saved that file and a few others. So Have been in the process of re-assembling that list from my profile page. In addition to that, Sunday - got the other car operational and had lunch with friends, which was to be on Friday. Monday - a brief gathering in the morning, chemist and some shopping. Tuesday - home most of the day, with singing group in the evening, Wednesday - as Usual quiet, home all day, Thursday - singing with the regular group and residents at local aged residential care, coffee at the local nook, a bit of shopping and home again. Glad that the car is operational.

So, while it seems a lot of activity in print, My weekend and week have been more pleasant than productive. A response that I recently posted, on the forum, caused a little bit of a stir. You may pick that up, but if not, and you would possibly be interested, I can give you the details. I think it may be a momentary distraction for you. However, it is interesting to see how different people think and respond to their own environment as well as information or suggestions made.

I have added a thread about where I have been and at the moment entitled:

"Recovery of capacity and function after treatment"

That should be available through this link, if you would be interested, or my profile by clicking on my forum name. It gives a bit of a run-down of where I am coming from, my present position and what I hope my future may include. If you would like to have a look at it I would be pleased to know your thoughts. There are also other posts through which you may see perspectives of my interaction and engagement with other people.

With My Best Wishes

HenryX

Hi @HenryX

It has been way too long!! I have not been on this site for a few weeks, the time has gotten away from me.

I have been getting emails from another forumite who has not been doing great, but i have been too busy to even check on her.

I have been thinking about the site though. And how everyone is.

I have some stressful business going on which has been weighing on my mind. So my head is full.

How have you been? I did end up checking some of your posts. I have always felt that I am not an articulate person, but I do try! So I am kind of reserved in replying to your posts on other forums.

I am going to join a therapy group hopefully this month. I was doing the assessment with the intake person, and I said that my strengths include that I am a good friend and make time for those around me. However my weakness is managing my friendships with males. I think I told you about my dad. Im not sure if you remember I didnt really have much of a productive relationship with him. So now I get clingy with men. I am married, but if a man is kind to me, I get confused. I dont know what to feel. I crave attention from men. I know that much. That is what got me into trouble last year and i did some stuff I'm not proud of.

So it worries me when I get close to a man even if it's a platonic friendship, because I dive in and often get hurt. For example when they get into a relationship with a lady, they often dont keep my friendship. That has happened to me several times, and it hurts like crazy.

I am also concerned that I will develop feelings for the men who are kind to me. It is a dangerous cycle.

I wish I did not have this issue. But then I also think that I cannot help it and I need to be kinder to myself.

Thank you for reading this far.

Hope you've been well and that you can share what's been happening for you?

Dani

@Dani1981

Friday 7th May 21

Hello Dani

It's great to hear back from you. I know what you mean about time getting away, and all of a sudden realising that there are a few things to catch up on.

I've written up a few comments on the “Climate Disasters --- Cyclones” thread. We had one go through where I live about 4 weeks ago. I was fortunate in not having too much damage, but there are many who have lost rooves, particularly in Kalbarri and Northampton. I don't have grid power at the moment because the connecting fixture on the house broke and I'm waiting for the electrician to repair. However, the electricians are flat out, so I run a generator which ran out of fuel a while ago. Consequently, I'm now running an inverter off a truck battery, and munching biscuits in the light from the computer screen (dark).

You mention that there are some issues causing you stress, and stuff that's making your head feel heavy. I am sorry to hear that. I have read what you said about relationships and friendships, particularly with men and your responses to the attention that they offer you. As you have described the issue, I guess that men probably also complicate your relationships with other women. With your concern about interactions with men, I would imagine that you might sometimes put up a defensive screen around yourself. This screen would probably consist in a style of verbal communication that may be intended to keep men at a distance. Body language could be used for the same effect. With all this going on, the men around you may be getting mixed, possibly contradictory and confused signals.

I would like to know your thoughts about those ideas before I develop the ideas any further. And, obviously, only if you would like to do so.

I agree with you, that you do need to be kind to yourself. I find in my own life that “material” comes up that reminds me, or that I only realise the effect that has occurred after an event, as a result of a very unpleasant childhood; a fact that has taken me many years to acknowledge. Quite often, I realise that I am acting with that material modifying my actions in a particular way. I am aware that my actions or responses are, in some way, causing an affect that I would not normally have wished for. If I can adopt your own words,

“I wish I did not have this issue. But then I also think that I cannot help it and I need to be kinder to myself.”

I believe that we can work on these mall-adaptations from childhood. However, I think we should give ourselves the freedom and presence of mind and peaceful opportunity, in which to address them. I know that I emphasise the ideas of freedom, peace and presence of mind, or mindfulness. That is because I believe that it is very difficult to change a way of thinking that has been long established without those qualities within which to work. I do hope that the group therapy session or another resource person or program can help you with that. Maybe I can suggest some material if you would like, but this note is already pretty long.

Saturday 8th May 21 ~ 0845pm

Recently, you spoke about “a date night”, where I understood that you may have been trying to re-establish something that you were hoping would still be there for you and someone special to you. I am not sure that that went the way you might have liked. Is this tied in with the issue that you are referring to above. Or am I on the wrong track completely.

Please let me know if I cross boundaries whereby you feel uncomfortable.

I do believe that I understand what you are saying about not knowing how to “appropriately respond to the attention of people of the opposite gender.” I would say that is the reason I have been single for most of the last 30 odd years. I guess in some ways the "older style" of distant aloofness has its merits. That style meant that interactions between men and women were very structured and some would probably say stultified.

I've never been accustomed to the hard-partying type of social scene and tended to enjoy a more formal type of social environment. In fact, that was probably because I did not really know what to expect, or how I would act in any other social situation.

As I was writing the paragraph above, the words of a song that is one of the popular songs with our singing group, and a favourite of mine, came to mind. These are the lyrics to the song

“The Rose”

*Had to modify a word to allow the post to meet safety criteria

<https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=the+rose+by+bette+midler>

…............ “ …............

“

I had started to write a response to you last night but the following is self explanatory and I didn't even feel confident enough about my writing to post this message.

Hello Dani,

I am delighted to hear from you.

I was in the middle of preparing my response to your post this evening. However, I have taken some medication earlier and my thoughts are all a bit fuzzy and my fingers don't seem to want to hit the right keys.

Please be aware that I will respond tomorrow when I can focus better than I can tonight.

Sometimes I worry about my writing sounding too formal or precise. The reason that I do write in this manner is because I write carefully in order to convey a particular thought, idea, meaning or feeling. And, by doing this I hope that I narrow down the chances of miss-interpretation. I think I may have said before that you write in a clear manner in a way that I can easily respond to {except when I'm in a medication induced fog}. Another thing is that I don't want to “scare” people off, because I can't share if there are no people there. So, I really appreciate your feedback. We can, if you would care to do so, and have the time, maybe work at my not being so formal.

Thank you for having a look at some of my posts. I will be happy to tell you more about what's been happening here tomorrow. I am, in general, quite well.

With My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

Hi @HenryX

Great to hear from you.

However it saddens me that you are in the midst of a struggle due to the cyclone. I could not imagine not having power, trials and tribulations although they are First world problems right?

Thank you for your concern. It will hopefully be over soon. The stressful situation I am in. Let's just say money and business is involved. I dont want to allow myself to delve into it, I try to keep it on the back burner for as much time as I can.

You are right, I am very cautious when it comes to men in my life. I try not to get hurt so I try not to let them in. But once they're in, it drives me crazy. For example there is one man in my life who means a lot to me and i think about him a lot. Not in a sexual way or in a way of cheating. But maybe in an emotional cheating kind of way. I try to keep my mind busy, and try to focus on my other friends. But my other friends are letting me down. They dont have time for me and dont make time for me. It really saddens me. So I do what is natural and spend time with those who do have time for me and those are my male friends (they dont seem to have the looming kids and homelife imbalance in the background).

I agree that I need to see and address my own child hood issues with kindness. So I totally agree with: 'I think we should give ourselves the freedom and presence of mind and peaceful opportunity, in which to address them.'

You are correct, I was trying to reconnect with my husband. At least, I think thats what you meant. It has been very strained lately, and we are seeing someone to help us find the 'spark' again. We have been together almost 20 years and it is getting slightly comfortable and old. I have a lot of love to give. ANd so does he, but he does not seem to have the same problem of straying eyes.

The lyrics to that song are just beautiful. Thank you for sending that to me.

It really struck a note with me and i can totally relate. I want to trust that my good male friend wont dump me like the other guys in my past did when they developed romantic relationships. I have known him for only a year but yet I feel so close with him. It would shatter me if he did that.

You can write in any way you like. I just appreciate that you are still chatting with me weeks later. I really enjoy reading your replies and it is nice to know there is 'someone out there who values you enough to reply'. Not saying that those people who dont reply dont value me, i know how busy life can get. But it is nice to get your replies.

I hope I didnt offend you about the power issue at your house. It must be sooo hard. And I never discounted that for a moment.

Take Care,

Dani

@Dani1981

Hello Dani

Thank you for your reply to my note from the other night. I appreciate your sentiments regarding the situation following the cyclone. It's interesting that my lifestyle is fairly simple. I live by myself, so there is not a large range of factors that I have to cope with if something changes. The generator runs the washing machine, the biggest power consumer, and the fridge, so I can maintain a decent level of nutrition and stay clean, which are the main priorities.

It was about ten years ago that I chose to move to a small country town, East of Geraldton. At the time I was aware that there would be fewer options in terms of shops, entertainment, and other services. So I was prepared for those changes. I am fortunate that I have a good vehicle so that I can travel to Geraldton for medical, general supplies, that are scarce or not available where I live, and to visit friends from time to time. I usually go over about once a month. The difference in annual expenses offsets the cost of travel. While it wouldn't suit everyone, I live a pleasant lifestyle that I enjoy. The countryside is 500 metres away!!

The power supply here has been restored reasonably quickly for most of the area. It was because of the damage to the house connection that has caused the delay for me. I am fortunate to have a generator that meets my needs. The main issue was that a cyclone coming this far south is very unusual. People in the northern parts of Australia experience these sorts of weather events fairly regularly, so, to some degree, expect to have to deal with them every so often.

With regard to the business issues that you are dealing with, I understand that there are some issues in life that we endeavour to manage with just the amount of attention required to deal with them.

You have referred to the issue of “cross gender relationships”. I have had issues in my own life in this regard. Even now I am conscious of keeping a reasonably close rein on my interaction with women. However, I am also aware that my friendships and relationships with women have had an effect on those with men in my life as well. I do believe that like you, except in reverse, my interactions have been somewhat confused with both men and women. Maybe that's why I live in “the bush”, it's safer. Like you I think, I have had difficulty interpreting the attention offered to me by women in various situations. And, unfortunately, there are people, both men and women, who deliberately play with the feelings of others, with no other intention than to enjoy the sport.

In another thread, I mentioned the difficulty of trying not to think of a particular situation, thought, person or event. I believe that it is not possible to try not to think of something because we have to refer to what we are trying not to think of. Sometimes it is better just to allow the thoughts and possibly, gently (there's that soft, peaceful aspect again) manage the thoughts in a way and a direction that we want to imagine them. This way we are allowing the thoughts, but at the same time managing them.

In the sometimes frantic and activity filled lives that we live, another person, and thoughts about them, can provide a sense of relief in an otherwise hectic lifestyle. The beguiling aspect is that we confer on this person, or attribute to them, a sense of peace to be derived from their presence, that may or may not in reality be there, particularly if they were to be closer to us. However, to let go of this perception of peacefulness is to take away, or deny ourselves, that sense of peace that we so much value, whether it is real or not.

Thanks for qualifying the wish to reconnect with your husband. Yes, you have confirmed what I thought. If there are any ideas that you would like to discuss in that regard, I would be happy to offer whatever thoughts that I can.

I do hope that your friends, both women and men, can give you the type of encouragement and support that will be appropriate for you. I believe that our friends can support us best, in any direction that we wish to go, if we have clear ideas of where we want to go and can convey those ideas to those friends. Boundaries don't always have to be barriers. By having clear ideas about our wishes and desires, we can, in conjunction with those people we wish to have as friends, have fairly clearly defined boundaries that we both, or all acknowledge and respect. In this way we can encourage and strengthen the continued health of those relationships.

With regard to writing style, and continuity, I am pleased to be able to reply and likewise enjoy your correspondence with me through the forum. I always look forward to receiving the details that you offer when “speaking” with me.

No worries about the power issue. Like I said, it was I who chose to “live in the bush”. For all that, even the bush is pretty sophisticated these days. It just has a way of reminding us not to take too much for granted and to appreciate the amenities that we do have most of the time.

With Very Best Wishes

HenryX

Hi HenryX,

I have struggled with depression for a very long time. Sometimes I get so fed up with taking medications but, like you, I know the consequences of not taking them can be not goot. I finally decided that I should look on taking depression medication as no more than a diabetic taking medication. Something in their body causes them to need meds to balance their bodies and that is the same for those of us who need anti-depressant medications to balance our bodies. It is just a way of dealing with a body that can't balance itself.

I recently told my doctor that I had eaten an entire bag of potato chips while feeling depressed. I was feeling guilty and 'bad' about that. My doctor quickly assured me that a bag of chip was a far better choice than trying to do something destructive to myself and that I should always go with the chippies if that was my choice. I guess we are all just humans despite what label others put on us.

One day at a time seems a bit too optimistic for me some days, so I try to get through hour by hour. Stay strong.

@Jayneinpain

Hi Jayneinpain,

Your view on taking medication for dealing with depression is exactly the way I think about it. It is refreshing when someone has a pragmatic view that leads to improved functionality without beating oneself up about it. We are simply fortunate to live at a time when such resources are available. I am still walking independantly as a result of surgery that was not availble in the mid 1900's (1950) I find that the medication actually moves the “curve” up the scale {X-X axis}. There are still the “normal fluctuations” in mood, but certainly a better overall feeling. Don't know that I've explained my thoughts very well, but I hope you follow them.

Depression has been with me for at least the time since it was diagnosed, 20 years ago. I believe, since childhood.

If you have had a look through the discussion between Dani and me, which you are most welcome to do, you would have seen a good bit of Dani's and my backgrounds.

Your description of the chips being a better option than the alternative gave me reason to smile. I like that. And, yes, we are all just imperfect humans, some with more issues than others. If I recall correctly, I think it was Dani I was speaking with, when I said that having a "psychological impairment", and being aware of it, may actually give us an advantage when empathising with others in a wide range of situations. {paraphrased}

Sometimes “a day at a time” is too big a bite.

Are you happy with being referred to as Jayne in any future discussion?

Look forward to “speaking” with you again.

With Very Best Wishes

HenryX

CC: @Dani1981