anyone around?

Hi @Powderfinger

Just coming past to see how you are doing today.

Hope you day is going ok for you

@TideisTurning @Zoe7

I am in no position to address either of your posts today. I will say briefly that I do not tag people in my posts usually because I have no idea what is going on for other people. I figure people would see my posts. @Zoe7

Since my last thread, I have only posted two threads. One about therapy and one asking if anyone was around. I choose to start different threads sometimes as they are not a follow on from an existing thread. It is a different subject altogether.

That is as much as I can say. I really in this moment feel absolutely no desire to keep hanging on. I really dont want to be here anymore.

@Snowie

Hi, not good. Thanks for dropping in.

@Anastasia

If I start any new threads, they are usually in the something's not right section. I have explained in my responses why I do not tag people.

Thanks for popping in. You take care of yourself.

I'm only just finished at the office and then food shopping then home. Later on if my boy allows it I will look for your thread x

@Powderfinger

Hugs xox

Please reach out for support @Powderfinger I am worried about your responses here - especially 'I do not want to be here anymore'.

@Powderfinger around if you need to chat, or just sit

Hi @Powderfinger,

It sounds like things are getting really difficult for you. Thinking of you and we are here for you.

I have sent you an email to check in.

Regards,

tropicalsun

Hi @Powderfinger

I am sorry you are experiencing a truly difficult time.

I can understand being frustrated at trying to communicate and reaching out and feeling like there is no one.

I've had to push hard to find support, trying different places at different times and it can feel pretty crappy and hopeless when it goes unanswered. I understand what it feels like to feel unsupported, unheard, ignored.

I too tried helplines, they sent me to websites or recommended I go to hospital. Even though I "know" what they say is trying to be helpful, it still feels useless/hopeless.

I find it difficult when in crisis to know what I need, what others can do to help and it all feels too much.

I found this service, I'm not sure if its something you have already tried. https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/

Its a texting service, I find its easier to text sometimes.

I also understand not wanting to tag others, I often feel like I can be annoying or don't want to impose on another during difficult times. I've joined and unjoined support groups on fb, I also downloaded the mighty app (not sure if you have heard of it, its a world wide mental health and other health conditions support platform, similar to this forum or fb but also anonymous and it also has direct chat to speak with other members) I wonder if this might be helpful for those moments when you're trying to connect and communicate with others.

I do understand not wanting to keep going, its hard to battle our own minds day in, day out, taking our day minutes at a time.

I can't guarantee you I will see your thread/post straight away but please tag me and I will do my best to come here to let you know I'm here and listening.

I will have some extra free time next week, so I do hope, if you feel you want or need to reach out, please tag me.

I can only offer support in the sense of im here and listening and to some point understand. I'm not entirely sure of what's been happening for you, but I understand feeling lonely, hurt, rejected, abandoned.

I know its hard to hold on, to find that light, you are not alone in those feelings, I hope you keep reaching out and find the support and care you need and deserve. We all deserve to be heard, supported and cared for.

Please take care and you are in my thoughts.

@26aqua @Former-Member @Snowie @Zoe7 @Anastasia

I'm just going to tag everyone instead of individually. I can't deal with that. Words fail me now. I suppose I'm just done with everything. I'm emotionally numb. I don't attach myself emotionally to anything. I'm aware I've disconnected from reality, my body, my surroundings, people. If I dont have to talk to any person, I don't because I can't be bothered, and if I do talk to anyone, there is complete disconnection. I'm talking but no part of me is there nor feels anything. I'm aware that I'm not aware of time. The only time I cry is when I think about my ex and all that has happened. I think about everything regarding that every day all day. I'm doing many other things, it's just ever present. I usually just cry.

If I go out, the minute I get home my blinds and door is kept shut to the outside world. I have no real interest.

I've contacted her and I hate myself. No response in return. Received responses to mail here for her or practical matters. No responses to my vulnerability or expression of my feelings. Just complete nothing and then I spiral back down again into the black hole. People keep.saying abuse and naming it. I hear but I truly loved my girl with everything I had in me and more. I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. People say you will find someone else, you deserve better, and lots of other things I hear. What they don't understand is I don't think of those things. Why would I want to when I loved the way I loved. It's like a dishonoring of me and the relationship I was in, and the way I felt in my heart and soul every day.

Yes, of course she hurt me often and tremendously. I'm not stupid. I have not forgotten. How can I explain what I felt inside of me and how I still feel.indide of me. I am going to stop contacting her. She has blocked my phone number. As I said she does not reply to my emails unless they are practical and I do not know where she lives. It's good that I don't because it's best if I stay away.

I have organised some counselling. I don't feel anything about that. It's just robotic.

The last three weeks since she's been gone has been nothing short of hell and then some. I was out today and for the first time since she left, I wanted to just be anywhere else but where I live. Everywhere I go we went together. I was more aware today she wasn't there with me. All the memories were there and I wished she was there with me. I even looked for her face thinking just maybe. I even looked to see if I could see her car in the car park. Then I wondered what would I even do or say. Shed probably just ignore me anyway.

I wondered if I could stay in thus town after my lease is up. The town I love, the life I have built here. Where would I go, what would I do? The thought of bumping into her, not bumping into her is too much. I have even thought what if I see her with someone new, being happy with someone else when I wanted that someone to be me.

I want to hate her and I can't. I've asked her if she us coming back to me ever or do I just moved on for good. I hate myself for that too. How stupid am I really? I was ignored in the relationship, I should not have expected a response at any time. I just thought that maybe with distance, a lot of maybes but nevertheless disordered thinking.

I know I'm messed up in my head and heart. I live with that every single day. I know because Im living it and I just know.

I don't know how I'm going to end up but I know that I will never be the same again.

I may never understand how she could give up on everything we had, and give up on me and us. Maybe she lost sight of everything and just forgot. Or maybe she just didn't care anymore and it was no longer in her heart like it was in mine.