BessNew Contributor
Fearful and lonely
I have been struggling with depression for around 6 years now. I am on a low dose anti depressant/anxiety medication. I'm in my early 30s and feel very lost, isolated and lonely. From the outside I'm sure it seems like I should be happy. I have a great career which I love, my own house & car, some great friends, I try to present myself nicely (hair, nails, makeup) & I often go on holidays.
In most ways I AM happy. But I'm single and incredibly lonely. I have been hurt badly in my 2 past relationships (the last ended nearly a year ago). I find it incredibly rare that I'm actually attracted to someone beyond friendship. I don't want to 'settle' for someone who I'm not compatible with or who doesn't treat me well.
I feel that I've achieved what I wanted to in my life and I really desperately want to be in love and have children. I feel incredibly upset and disappointed that I have not done this yet and due to my age, I fear (terribly) that this won't happen for me. I am very close to my mum and I want her to enjoy being a grandmother. I feel like such a disappointment as I can't and haven't been able to give her this.
There are many days where I can't get out of bed because I've been crying all night and can't sleep. Today being one of them. It might be a book I'm reading or a show on TV that sets me off. Leaving the house means seeing people, families, children and it reminds me that I'm on my own. That I don't have that. The fear I have that I will never have that is crippling.
When I make it to work, I have a great day. Productive and enjoyable. Then I come home to an empty house. For the past 8 months all I can bring myself to do is watch TV and wait until it's time to go to sleep. I don't seem to get invited to much these days as most of my friends do 'kids' things during the day and don't go out in the evenings when I'm free.
I feel very lost, alone and scared. So very scared.
In most ways I AM happy. But I'm single and incredibly lonely. I have been hurt badly in my 2 past relationships (the last ended nearly a year ago). I find it incredibly rare that I'm actually attracted to someone beyond friendship. I don't want to 'settle' for someone who I'm not compatible with or who doesn't treat me well.
I feel that I've achieved what I wanted to in my life and I really desperately want to be in love and have children. I feel incredibly upset and disappointed that I have not done this yet and due to my age, I fear (terribly) that this won't happen for me. I am very close to my mum and I want her to enjoy being a grandmother. I feel like such a disappointment as I can't and haven't been able to give her this.
There are many days where I can't get out of bed because I've been crying all night and can't sleep. Today being one of them. It might be a book I'm reading or a show on TV that sets me off. Leaving the house means seeing people, families, children and it reminds me that I'm on my own. That I don't have that. The fear I have that I will never have that is crippling.
When I make it to work, I have a great day. Productive and enjoyable. Then I come home to an empty house. For the past 8 months all I can bring myself to do is watch TV and wait until it's time to go to sleep. I don't seem to get invited to much these days as most of my friends do 'kids' things during the day and don't go out in the evenings when I'm free.
I feel very lost, alone and scared. So very scared.
