My wife is an alcoholic, who's mental health is falling apart. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

My wife (37, married 16 years, no kids) has over the last 6 months had deteriorating mental health, and I struggle supporting her. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

She has always been guarded, self-conscious, and anxious. Over the last 6 months, she has been dealing with some childhood trauma, and her mental health is crumbling. She has ups and downs but lately it is more downs.

She is an alcoholic, she has drunk before work, at work, and at home she often tries to hide bottles of wine/vodka from me. But of course I always know when she is drunk. She lies to me about it, she has stolen money from me, used my credit card to by booze and smokes. Tonight, she asked for something for dinner, and I agreed to a treat, and from the time I ordered the UberEats, to when it arrived, she had managed to get blind drunk and passed out.

She hates herself, pushes people away including me, because she thinks pushing us away will protect us. She has self-harmed a few times. She has said horrible fucked up shit to me that can't be taken back.

I have tried to approach it all with compassion, I tell her I love her, I try and offer affection and hugs when needed (though sometimes she cannot deal with too much intimacy or affection), I try and make her laugh, I try and motivate her to do things I know she enjoys (gym, reading, video games, getting out to the movies, etc) but the cycle keeps repeating. It is getting worse.

Before Christmas we went to the hospital, she agreed it was the right thing to do because she could not cope. After 8 hours of waiting, they told us the mental health team was unavailable, we did see a doctor who gave some advice, and the CATT team came to our house to talk to her the next day. Not much more has come of that.

She has spoken to her doctor and is on anti-depressants (ssri) but this has not helped. She has spoken with a psychologist in the past, but they didn’t gel, so she stopped seeing her. She does have another psych appointment in 2 weeks with someone new, but it’s so hard to get appointments right now.

This has taken a huge toll on me.

I love her to death, but I am constantly wondering if she is drunk, if she has stolen from me, or if she has hurt herself. I only have so much energy, and I am at my limit.

I want to support her, but at what cost for myself? I do not want to leave her, I really don’t, but if I did, I fear she would get even worse and really hurt herself, and I could not live knowing that I let her down.

She knows it affects me like this, and then she feels guilty, which makes her feel worse.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I am not sure how long I can cope.