Communicating, pfft, what's the point?

I am feeling totally and utterly done with trying to communicate. I just don't see the point in the effort it takes to try to explain what I'm feeling, what's playing out in my head and why I'm feeling that. Especially since it goes unheard.

Little back story, I'm waiting on seeing a psychiatrist with possibility of 4 diagnoses, probably between 2-3 (Bp2, bpd, gad, depression).

My relationship is - screwed, on the rocks, likely over.

I recently went to emergency because i was over losing control, over getting so upset and emotional and taking it out on my s/o. Community mental health have been great. Checking in, set up a plan of action, I’m no longer waiting in no man’s land.

I've tried so freaking hard to wait until I'm calmer to explain what I'm going through.

I've tried so hard to keep it about what I'm feeling and what affects and makes me feel that way - what he does/says that triggers me.

When he doesn't get it, I get even more upset. I am trying so bloody hard to keep it all intact, to not completely lose it and in return he still doesn't get it.

My biggest triggers are when I don't hear back from him and left waiting for him to get back to me, or expecting him at a certain time (and he sux with time so I give allowances for that, I allow an extra hour Every time because he takes forever) and he not showing up for hours - but I should be grateful he came at all. I have tried to tell him all I need is to KNOW what is going on, send me a text you're gonna be late, send me a text you got caught up, just don't leave me hanging.

I have various reasons for requesting time lines. He lives an hr away, but also an hr and half from work. I'm closer to his work. So he comes when it's easier for him to leave for work from my place. I'm already feeling insecure he is only visiting for convenience. I've tried to explain that. I take medication which is supposed to help me sleep and with anxiety. It helps with anxiety alot but if I'm not in a good mood (agitated, irritated, annoyed) it doesn't help with sleep. It also doesn't help if I get woken during my sleep - which s/o was doing when coming in late. I've explained I need to take my medication at a certain time so I'm not so groggy the next morning, so I can get out of bed and get ready for work. I've explained things that work, things that ultimately affect my mood. And sleep routine is proving helpful.

I have tried over and over to communicate these feelings and he does the exact same thing the next day, 2 days later, a week later.

I am seriously trying to keep my head together while learning and trying to find out what will help me get better. Therapy takes time. And I know I have alot of hard work ahead of me, but I have seen a psychologist once. I see him again in 2 weeks. How the hell am I expected to just snap out of this. Even I know it takes time and while I haven't properly started therapy, I'm freaking trying.

This frustrates me so much. I am trying. I try so hard. I am trying to change but I get nothing in return. So now, I am completely done. I have hung up my communication boots. I am done trying to explain shit. I am done him thinking it’s just a freaking episode and things will blow over soon.

It won't blow over when the same crap keeps happening. How many times do I have to explain that!!!

Maybe one day these things won't trigger me, maybe one day I can deal with waiting for hours for a freaking reply. Maybe one day I will cope with him not turning up for hours after I expect him.

But I already know it will take time to get there. But I need a little help along the way and right now I feel like there is absolutely no support in my needs. I feel like he can do and says what he pleases but the moment I get upset, the moment my mood changes, it’s all just an episode and wait for her to calm down and all is well. It’s not well. He still doesn’t get it. He does the same, says the same and yes I know I need to work on things I say, things I do but I AM TRYING.

These feelings come flooding. I realise alot is the feeling of rejection/ feeling abandoned and it comes from trauma in my childhood. I’m learning why my head is like it is, the way it developed because of trauma. I’m learning about my possible diagnoses and I’m trying the different things that might help, but I also know these possible diagnoses aren’t exactly a walk in the park and recovering takes alot of time and healing.

When do I get met halfway? When does he start to see the why’s and how’s and helps by saying something or doing something just a bit differently. Why am I the one feeling like I am constantly trying but he can just sit and wait? I am just done trying to explain.

He doesn’t see a connection in my rejection/abandoned feelings. I don’t know how to explain anymore. I don’t know how to open and be any more vulnerable than I already am. So now I am just freaking done trying to bloody communicate.