The absolute horror that my life currently is.

@Anastasia @Zoe7

I think this is the only thing that is going to really save me and barely. Writing. I don't know what to say anymore. I am blocking my thoughts and feelings because I cant deal with them. I want to scream at her and say can you not just be a little bit more sensitive and shut your door while you are packing more and taping up your boxes! When I think of saying that to her, my immediate afterthought is no point, she will not care anyway. There will be no sorry nor recognition of what I am feeling. Then the very next thing that will happen is I get a flashback of a beautiful memory of us together, I see it playing out in front of me like a home movie. After all that happening in less than two minutes, I just want to scream. I want it to stop. I want my pain to go away. There is nowehere and no one for me to turn to and I have to keep going when I feel like this. That is very literally how it is for me.

Going through the formalities via text today, not talking as usual. Signing over the lease, the bond variation form, sorting out things we bought together, placing an ad for a new housemate, all while I am feeling like absolute sh....t.

She came to me this morning and said to me there is a bird outside that cant fly... I just went hmmmm and said nothing. Usually I would be the first to help an animal if it was not doing too good. I sat where I sat and did not move. Afetr she said that I started to cry, I could not hold my tears back. In my head I said to msyelf, well there is a bird in her that cant fly either. I wish I could leave for two weeks while she sorts herself out and moves out. I do not want to feel like this every single day. It is making things worse and harder for me.

Yet, it's like a nightmare that you cannot wake up from and escape. I cannot leave. I have to show people through the house, interview people as potential housemates, and be here, when I really do not want to be. I am struggling to get my head and heart around someone you were sharing your life with being like this towards someone they apparently loved. The words ring through my head often. I cannot imagine my life without you, these arms were made for you to be held in them, the hours and hours we spoke for about going travelling overseas together, buying a house together, the life we shared.

Hey, I know I was being treated like crap. How could I ever forget. I know I do not deserve to be treated like that. I have some self respect for me. BUT and there is a BUT when you spend time with the person you love, creating a life together and there was a time when you truly felt loved by them, the memories you have of your time together, the way you met and so on, well yeah it hurts badly. It would have been easier to let go if I was abused and not loved the whole time, but it wasn't the case. I am struggling to eat. My tummy grumbles at me but the thought of food and trying to eat is just not something I am interested in. I am struggling to get up and move, do things. I just plonk on the couch and either stare into space or cry.

The thing is people do not want to hear much about pain at all. People cannot seem to manage someone crying or talking about their pain. So, I shut down even further because I cannot be full of beans and happy. Firstly I would be lying and second I could not keep that up for long. Its just wearing a mask. I think to myself I thoughts our bind was strong, I thought our love would be strong enough to see us through hard times, I thought my love would be strong enough for you to stay, to work things out, to do better. All I am seeing now is the fact that she cannot wait to leave and start her new life on her own. I say nothing. It is hard enough imaginging our lives even further apart now. Its a small town. Will probably bump into her one day, but I will hope to be not having that happen often. It will just be too hard. I will not be texting her or calling her when has left. Anything that needed to be spoken about has been. Outstanding debts which are not a great amount. They have been sorted how they will be paid without us even having to speak. So, really there is no reason for contact. It is me that has to break the ties I have left to her. Breaking the love I feel is the hardest tie to break. I know that for me it would be unhealthy to kepp trying and I know there is not really any point. Grief will do these things. The bargaining for you. This is how i feel if anyone cares to hear my pain.