Very anxious - needing advise

Hi @Kitten

You have every right to, and should, set boundaries for yourself and your relationship.
Devil's advocate, just because your husband seems ok when you don't question him doesn't mean he isn't struggling mentally. All his behaviours would point to that he is struggling with something. That being said it does not mean his behaviour is ok or that you should tolerate it. I have a friend who tolerates her partners behaviour because she knows he has troubles but it just continues to get worse and he has les and less respect for her because she is giving him the message his behaviour is ok. I know it is hard and complicated when you love them dearly but you also aren't doing them any favours buy not holding them accountable.
Do you have any strategies you use to help with your anxiety normally? Could you use one of them before you speak with him?

Thinking of you.
Des

Do you get much time to spend together doing things you love? Like even a walk on the beach together like quality time? Maybe you could write him a letter including some of the content you wrote here and letting him know you really want things to be better like just an open letter displaying all your feelings and absolutely everything all your concerns and everything and letting him know you are not ok with things as they are. Would he see a counsellor with you do you think?

It sounds really tough what you are going through I hope things improve for you.

Hi @Kitten ,

it sounds like you might have married my ex-partner. Sorry, that was a joke!

But I can really relate to your story very strongly. I was in the same situation about 15 years ago. My ex-partner would smoke dope every day, didn't work a lot and acted like the world owed him a living. At the time, I didn't think he was depressed at all, but looking back now, in hindsight, I see that he was a deeply unhappy man with a lot of issues. He could never face reality, either.

If you plan on staying together, it might be a good idea (just going by what I tried to do back in the day) to make sure he either goes on Jobseeker allowance or on a sickness benefit or whatever. At least that way you will have some income coming in, in the short term. If you can tell him that he 'deserves to have this kind of support', then you may be able to convince him to do this. That was what I did when I was in your situation and the extra money coming in (even though it wasn't much) made it easier on me.
Secondly, suggest he sees a counsellor to help with his feelings of sadness. Medicare should cover the cost if he gets a mental health care plan from the G.P. My ex-partner would never accept any kind of help because he did not think he had any problems at all - he thought he was perfect - but if your husband is willing to go to counselling, it could really help him. However, I realize that a lot of men don't like to get help and it's not easy to convince another human being to do anything!

As for the dope smoking, it would probably be a good idea to be honest with him and let him know that you know - but only if you don't think it will make him angry. If he has a tendency towards anger, then maybe hold off on confronting him?
I dunno @Kitten , I hope this does not sound too preachy. It's a tough situation to be in.

Also, I forgot to mention - if you are feeling very anxious, it is a good idea to go to your doctor and seek some support for yourself first, before dealing with anyone else and their problems. Once you have your anxiety under control, it might be easier to deal with all the relationship stuff.

Hi Des,

thankyou for your message, I appreciate it.

Yes I do believe he is struggling ans due to this I have taken on the financial responsibility and I do most things around the house, organise stuff etc. I honestly though am struggling to manage all of this now. I am so tired aswell. I have taken 2 weeks off work and really I am doing all the stuff I don't normally have time to do. I know I work too much but I am scared on loosing my job. It's a great job and I work for great people. But Covid has ruined the business and we are trying everything to survive and keep jobs. I am senior management so a lot falls on me.

I am angry at him that he doesn't seem to see that I struggle aswell and it's not just him. I feel all the weight is on me. I feel like if he cares and loves me why can't he take some and help me.

I have spoken to him and he says he uses the pot to help sleep and to manage pain he has in his ears. Which all makes sense. He says it once or twice a week. However he has smokes for the last 3 nights. I tried talking to him about this but he gets angry. I just want to know the truth.
he said he kept it from me as my sisters ex had a terrible issue smoking and she was in a really bad abusive relationship. This makes sense. I don't feel that he is like that guy at all. Totally different situation. I just want honesty and truth.
I have tried so many times to get him to see a doctor and talk to someone but he flat out refuses. I have tried so many things and am at a complete loss as to what to do.
I want to support him but I don't want to be a push over either. 😞

Hello Sahara,

thank you for the message.

Unfortunately he gets jobseeker but not much due to my pay. I have tried so many times to ask him to talk to someone but he won't. Mensheds etc. He just says he will deal with it in his own way. Only issue is he isn't... I am going to see my gp tomorrow so I can get a mental health plan done to help me manage the situation.

I am scared that of things don't change it's the end of our marriage. I don't want that and am truly heartbroken at the thought.
Kitten

Hi @Kitten ,

I am glad you are seeing your G.P. and also taking a few weeks off work. That is very sensible - I really emphasize with your situation as it sounds so similar to the situation I was once in. It's a good idea to seek support for your anxiety first and then deal with the rest later. That is what I did too - I found I had no energy for anything else apart from working and just taking the care I needed for myself and my sanity, when I was in your situation. Also, I ended up on a lot of strong medications to manage my anxiety. (That is another story)

From what I can recall, my ex-partner did actually clean the house, as he was home all day and he was a neat-freak! I was the one working and taking care of all our responsibilities. I remember friends asking me when I "planned to have a baby" and it would upset me, because I didn't see how I could do everything and manage a baby on top of it! If fact I knew that a baby would be the end of me and that it would probably tip me over into actual insanity! I knew how stressful babies could be, having worked with them at one point.

Needless to say, I eventually left... but it took me probably around 1.5 to 2 years to be ready to do that. The main reason I left is that my ex-partner gave me every indication that he would never change and that our life would always be like it was.

Actually the main reason was that my partner ignored me and didn't ever want to talk to me or even acknowledge me in any way at all, in the end!! So I knew it was completely hopeless.