Agitation, irritation, aggression - I want it to stop!

Thank you @haystacks for sharing, I fear my relationship is nearly over due to my behaviour and I cant blame him at all, I know I couldn't take it, a couple of times my s/o called me hulk but we came up with hippopotamus - quiet dangerous when disturbed. But truthfully, he is one part of the main reason I want to get better, I dont want to hurt him, I feel shattered knowing how much hurt I've caused already.

I am truly wanting this to change so am absolutely ready to start learning and changing, so am hoping my GP can clear up this conflict of interest for me so I don't end up having to find another psychologist to start this process over again.

It is @26aqua but can be quite confronting doing ot on your own. It is meant to be a group program followed by individual follow-up sessions with your sych or pdoc. The aim of it being a group program is you can have support, share and work through things with thers. A lot of the skills revolve around interactions with others so being in that setting each week helps. Then you practice those skills throughout the week yourself. I would highly recommend doing it with a group - doing it on your own can work but it does not give you the range of experiences it offers in a group ...and the basis of the program is to be able to work through your own emotions and manage those that come up around others as well.

If you want to go it alone then there are a couple of books you might like to look at - they are the ones the progrm is based/run on...

@26aqua it can be hard and take little steps and you can get there in the end, just don't give up and be kind to yourself, just ride the storm and eventually the storm will subside and then everything will be calm, you have got this.

Warm Regards

Haystacks

Thank you @Zoe7 that is really helpful information, very much appreciated.

You are most welcome @26aqua Any questions or anything more you want to know then happy for you to tag me.

Wow @26aqua ,

You've just described me. I'm not a dr, but I've just finished my BPD post on Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script where I posted my latest BPD outburst. ( My Post ). Sound familiar?

BPD is affected by situations whereas bipolar is different. If your emotions and actions change according to what it happening, it sounds more like BPD. There are clear differences between BPD and bipolar, insomuch that treatments are VERY different. Bipolar treatment relies heavily on meds whereas BPD relies heavily on talking therapy such as DBT.

Im glad fellow-members have pointed you in the direction of DBT. I've worked on elements of it with my therapists, and it has helped a lot. For my BPD treatment, I actually completed 18 months MBT (mentalisation-based therapy). Helped immensely, but I can't actually point you in a direction to find people who do it. The only place I know is in VIC - Spectrum (a personality disorder specialist clinic) . From what I've heard, unless you are case-managed it is extremely difficult to get in.

@26aqua , I can definitely see your struggles. The fact that you can see what you want changed and are able to reflect and articulate this, show you are on your way to recovery. Rest assured, it IS possible. It is hard work, but totally worth while.

Take care,

BPDSurvivor

I can really relate to the feeling of wanting to be alone

Hi @BPDSurvivor thanks for jumping on and adding - I started reading your thread, and yes wow! I can definitely relate!

I moved interstate only a month or so after a major falling out with my sister.

I had been thinking of the move, just in hmm, maybe I could do this at end of the year (it was around June 2019) July 19 my sister and I had the biggest argument we have ever had, she was concerned for my MH, tried to get me to "see" how inappropriate my behaviour was and well I did not agree and took her pleas as threats.

A few times (Oct,Nov 20), although this was during episodic times; I had this argument replaying over in my head and how much she just didn't understand me, I tried to reach out and explain myself - didn't work out in the slightest, I made things worse, told her I blocked her and wouldn't ever see her again.

Plenty of times I have cut people from my life during episodic periods.

RN my s/o is on the receiving end of my episode. We fought alot over the last few weeks, my mainly being sarcastic, bitchy, irritated and then going full blow up on him. I'm fine if I don't here from him, but I'm also worried how long my need to push him away will backfire and he say he can't put up with me anymore. Maybe that's why I'm anxious.

I sent him a text last night telling him I think it's best we end things, my behaviours aren't fair to him and with the problems he is also facing I don't want to burden him or do I expect him to stick around for this ride, which inevitably could take years for recovery (time he doesn't have).

He responded sweetly but also insisted on seeing me to talk face to face, immediately I was anxious and couldn't sleep. I replied late, knowing he would be asleep and I wouldn't get a reply. But when I woke through the night, he had sent a text asking if I was awake as he wanted to call. Again, I felt anxious, butterflies swarming my belly (not the good ones). I told him to back off. Literally said back off.

I fell terrible but at the same time I'm feeling calm without having to speak to him.

He cares and he tries and he wants the best for me, I wish during these heightened episodes I have I could see through all the b.s. and see him for who he is, why he is still here and believe he does love me.

He told me I was acting entitled the other day, made me lose my shit even more so.

Entitled is not a feeling I have. I've tried telling him I feel rejected or like I'm abandoned, isolated even.

Funnily enough, after reading your comment, your thread and then reading some facts about BPD, I think I know where some of my rejectedness/abandonedness has come from.

Holy f! I feel like I've just connected some dots writing this.

A time during my CSA, I was starting to go through puberty and had the life giraffe van visit school and recognising the feelings of being uncomfortable i put a stop to it. However i began to fight, argue and defy everything my abuser said, did, acted. During that year and I'm not sure how long after the csa stopped, my mother approached me about spending time with my father across the country - for a year.

I guess my mother thought I needed him rather than realising what was happening in our home. (I can't say I don't place blame on my mother, there were red flags everywhere, but I guess with her own MH issues, unfortunately those flags were overlooked.)

It wasn't the only time I was sent to live with my father across the country.

I'm finally realising I have blocked alot of thoughts and feelings, I can talk about these things and not feel emotional about them. Which confuses me. Maybe this is disassociation?

Thank you for jumping on this thread, it has been an eye opener for me and I really appreciate your sharing experience.

X