I want to open my relationship with my fiancé but he doesn’t.

Hi @Lana11 and welcome to the Sane forums. 😊

I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament ... it must be very distressing for you.

Have you considered that when your fiance suggested this threesome, that he may have been testing you? Perhaps he now considers that you have failed his test, and he has now lost both his fiance and also his best friend?

I have never been involved in any threesomes or 'open' relationships, but from what I have heard and read, it is very rare that those arrangements ever work. There are so many ongoing issues which are likely to spring up ... lack of trust, jealousy, not wanting to share ... to name a few very understandable problems which will arise.

Your comment that your fiance has hurt you many times during your 3 years together, rings alarm bells to me Lana. I would think long and hard as to whether remaining in a long term relationship with him, is right for you. It sounds like he is 'playing' you Lana. A long sit down heart to heart with him may help to get to the bottom of some issues and sort out what each of you want and need in the longer term. But please be very careful.

Emelia 🌸

Hey @Lana11, thank you for sharing I feel for you- it sounds like you're feeling quite stuck right now, and I know that's a hard place to be in.

It might be helpful for everyone involved to establish what they want or need, and what they are or are not willing to try. And then from there: what's compatible?

I want to add to what @Emelia8 said about non-monogamous relationships working and not working - I'm polyamorous myself, and there are many people in my life who are too, and my experience isactually that ethically non-monogamous relationships can and often do happily work! ✨ While there can be challenges in ethically non-monogamous relationships - communication, dealing with potential jealousy - these likely exist for monogamous couples too.

There is an important qualification in polyamorous relationships working, though: they appear to work well with people who are comfortably ethically non-monogamous. My experience is that there's the most conflict, difficulties, hurt, and break-ups when people are transitioning from being monogamous, are new at navigating these relationships, with not a lot of information or support to go off, and the people they're navigating this with are also inexperienced in these dynamics.

Some resources you might like to read, if you're not already familiar with them, are More Than Two (a web resource) and The Ethical Slut (a book).

I wish you all the best for navigating from here

Hi Emelia8,

I didn't consider that but he was the one who instigated it and kept pushing it when it finally came down to it.

I have tried talking to him about it but it always goes bad. He is always being selfish in the way he handles it. It would be different if it benefits him but because it doesn't it isn't ok. This is something he has said to my face. I'm struggling so much because I want to marry him, I love him but I just can't keep doing this.

Lana ✨

Hey girasole,

I've spoken to everyone involved and the friend likes me back and is willing to try make things work. My fiancé is the only one who isn't on the same page and who isn't ok with trying. Our friend is very open minded and is willing to make things work but he doesn't want to ruin the friendship the three of us share so he is being extremely respectful of my fiancé and he is telling me that we can still be close friends and that he doesn't want to lose me in his life but he doesn't want to hurt my fiancé either. He just wants the three of us to be ok. I don't find it fair that my fiancé is the one who gets to dictate our lives based off of solely what he wants.

Thank you for the suggested resources. I have heard of them both. I recently purchased The Ethical Sl*t and I'm enjoying it so far but my fiancé just thinks I'm trying to push the situation when I'm just trying to better understand how I'm feeling and how to deal with it.

Lana ✨