PowderfingerSenior Contributor
Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.
Hi everyone,
One of the reasons I do not like to talk a lot is because I do not feel heard most of the time. I really put effort into "talking" about my reality as it is, and then quite often just never really feel heard. That is important to me. So, please hear me.
Psychologically and humanly this does not make sense and perhaps I need to learn new things that I do not know how to learn. I realised this, this afternoon. There are some here @Anastasia and @Zoe that know my current situation with my ex. For those that do not there is a thread here about it. I will find it after.
My natural inclination is to connect. It has taken me while for the penny to drop that with her she certainly has given off the vibes that there is no desire to connect at all. It is extremely hard still living in a house with someone you are no longer with. For those that do not know she is moving out and things have progressed. No date is known yet though as she has not been approved for somewhere to live. It is taking me a while for a lot of pennies to drop because I really had quite a huge brain snap. Briefly though, just want to mention that I had three major nervous breakdowns last year and never had any recovery time from either of them. My ex did make her contributions towards my breakdowns.
In saying that she also did look after me, there wasn't a total lack of carelessness. I am just saying, it was a repeat cycle and the since early November up until now things went completely awry again. I am not saying I did not make mistakes, I am not perfect. Mistakes aside, it is not the right time for me to go about trying to work through that at the moment. I am not in the right space mentall nor physically.
I just am wondering why it is so inappropriate for two people who shared their lives to have to so suddenly seperate themselves so very quickly. Is this normal, does this happen? It's making me very ill and going against my own grain of what I am like. I am having to adapt myself a fair bit and do things that I wouldn't do. I am not hoping to work it out by connecting, I know it is best that we are no longer in a relationship. I just cannot work out why two people who were sharing their lives cannot sit in the same room without so much hatred and animosity.
I barely go in the house. I have made a home in my workshed, which wasnt even my intention. I go in to tet a bite to eat, make a drink, shower and use the toilet. That is it really. Its really hard, because I pay rent too. Its just that everytime I go in there, it feels that horrible for me. I certainly cannot handle anymore hostile behaviour, aggression and a complete dismissal of my presence. I am a very sensitive person and with my mental health/phsyical health being so bad I will just fall to pieces.
Parts of my memory are vague, not because I cannot remember, but this is what happens to people like myself who suffer with C-PTSD. I do not call it disassociation like some people do. I have come to understand that the brain just is not able to cope and memory lapses are common in order to be able to cope with difficult situations and emotions when people are already struggling beyond what anyone should struggle with.
I do not feel safe to be vulnerable around her. Anyway, back to my original point. I would like to know if something is wrong with me as a person? Is my aim to be amicable, cordial and polite during this horrible process an abnormality? I am truly struggling with the conecpt that I need to be different. As I said, I barely go into the house. I have noticed when I do go in there though that she is already doing lost of things differently. She laughs, watches lots and lots and lots of television, that is strange. She doesn't like television much. Pretty much acts like she would as if she was single and living by herself.
Now, I am aware those are a lot of assumptions to make. You never truly know what is going on fro someone and you cannot know without really talking. In saying that, all connection has been cut. That is extremely hard for me so suddenly. Suddeness of huge events is what can put me back into trauma state.
My best friends tragic death was sudden. I had some horrible events happen when I went O.S. for the very first time and the actions needing to be taken were swift and sudden, a few other traumatic events that involved a lot of suddeness and quick action. Its quite a big trigger for me. So, I realised last night after looking something up that there is such a thing as emotional shock. I was reading about it but could take very little in. I feel yes I have been and perhaps am still in emotional shock.
I am well aware I very much need to give my body time to adjust. The issue is my situation of her living here and me feeling everything I have just expressed is not helping me or my body. I so want to ask her when are you moving out, so I can start to see and end to this and be able to start recovering slowly. I know I cannot ask her this because not even she knows. I am not in any psition to think of her at all and her needs. At times I naturally flow to that, but I also know I need to change this because her needs being met are not my issue. Its a new conecpt in life for me to start meeting my own needs but I have made a small start.
I want to ask her to go out sometimes, so I can have some time in the house without her there. I do not ask because it may create an argument and I also do not ask because I am hurt. I am not strong enough emotionally, mentally, physically to be able to really cope with anything.
I thought this fatrenoon, maybe I need to get away from here for a few days. Then I thought, well I dont exactly have the money and I do not knwo when she will be approved for a place. Unfortunately I need to be here when she is approved because certain arrangements have been made. I feel like I am completely stuck for options. I know I do have to do something because I cannot go on like this for much longer. I just have no idea what anymore.
This is currently how I feel, then on top of it, there is all the damage that has been caused which is going to take therapy and time for me. I wish I could make a start but right now I need to get through what is right in front of me.
This is what is right in front of me. There are people on here who are not in a bad and unclear headspace, like myself.
I really need support, plus possible option that I can really consider that will be and are workable. I cannot think of these things for myself. Please do no respond to my post if you have not heard me at all. As much as I love to help people, I am not looking to connect with you to hear your detailed story of your past experiences. I am here because I generally need help with all this.
Please do not give me support line numbers to call, trust me I know them off by heart. I am reaching out the forumn, people here, if I need a support line, I would use it. Right here is what I need.
I am asking fo genuine help and I do hope someone reaches back. I'm at my wits end.
