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So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

PrincessmollySenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 6:19 am AEST

So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

I cant stop thinking about every poor decision iv ever made. Anout how, if i had my time again and knew what i know now i would do everything so differently. <br>Iv had depression as long as i can remember. Abused and left by my mum. Ignored by my dad. Assulted physically regularly by my brother. Iv felt worthless my whole life. <br>I was extremly promiscuous in high school and suffered a great deal because of my "reputation". I never persued guys but if anyone so much as paid me attention i would do anything they wanted. <br>Iv cheated on boyfriends to end relationships because im too afraid to just say to someone that i dont love them. I fear confrontation so much. Is someone raises their voice to me i cry....im.almost 40....<br>I struggle so much maintaining friendships. I literally only have 2 friends. I went to uni as a mature age student after 10 years in a dead end job. I dont even feel proud. Iv chosen the wrong profession and im stuck. I spent from 15 to 33 years of age abusing my body with over eating and excessive drinking. I no longer drink but i cannot stop eating crap and im my heaviest weight ever. There isnt a single thing i am good at unless you count my ability to eat multiple mcdonalds meals a day as a life skill. I have a toddler and i love him somuch but i fear for his future with a socially awkward mother who is full of self hate. Im not a good role model. I just want to do my life again. From the start. Id pay attention at school. Get a scholarship. Go to uni much earlier. Stay out of relationships completly until my 30s. Live alone. Travel. Be kinder to my body. Do something to make a difference. Im just a nothing person. Someone no one cares about. I have no hope and nothing to offer. I just want to be someone 😢

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In response to: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

PrincessmollySenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 6:29 am AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

Oh and i should add i just dont fit in....anywhere. was shunned by my mothers group and am constantly left out of all group activities at work. I wish people would just tell me what im doing wrong so i can fix it. I dont think im a bad person. I dont wish harm on others. I have values. I treat people with kindness. I am generous. I would do anything within reason to help someone out. I was bullied at school for being ugly and poor. It never ends

In response to: Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

SaharaSenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 9:37 am AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

Hi @Princessmolly,

you are a good, loving mother, you have a uni degree, you succeeded in giving up drinking and you have at least two good friends....you even describe yourself as generous and kind. What's bad in this equation? Only that you can't see your own worth.

Please, please start to see your own value, @Princessmolly. You are being way to hard on yourself. So what if you are overweight? Plenty of people are overweight and are happy and well-loved. The world is changing and people of all weights are gaining acceptance and even acclaim. Look at Rebel Wilson, for example.

So what if you were a bit promiscuous? Women are no longer being shunned for promiscuity anyway. I thinks it's pretty much all the rage now, just as 'free love' was the fashion in the 60's.

Being a certain weight or having a history of sexual freedom are not bad things in themselves. It's how you feel about them that counts.... and I can see you are very unhappy right now.

Do you see a counsellor and can you talk about these issues?

I have the same tendencies as you do- I tend to downplay all my assets and doubt myself a lot. I have achieved a lot in my life, but I am a bit overweight so I focus on that. I have some good friends, but I don't have a lot of friends, so I question my own worth. Plenty of people would envy my life, but I am always looking for what's missing. I guess this all comes from my having a less than adequate childhood.... something that was not my fault.

@Princessmolly, I believe you are a very strong person and you have all the resources within you to fight for a better life. Don't give up. Please write back and let us know how you are.

In response to: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

SaharaSenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 9:51 am AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

I just wanted to say that I think it is very common for people to express regrets and say to themselves "I wish I had done this or I wish I had done that..." But it is soooo easy to have regrets in hindsight. When you were living your life in real time, you did the best you could with what you had available. That's all any of us can do.

Sometimes I wish a had studied a different profession when I was 19, but who really know how it would have turned out? Maybe I wouldn't have had the motivation to do well back then, anyway. Maybe I would have dropped out.

I had my first serious boyfriend when I was 16.... in hindsight it was a huge mistake, but how was I to know that? I was only a kid! Some things you just have to learn through experiencing them. If I had not had a relationship until I was 25, then I would probably be regretting that too, by now.

In response to: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

PrincessmollySenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 12:15 pm AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

Thanks @Sahara. Today is not a good day. Iv joined a gym and went this morning. Next min im eating take away in my car. I feel hungry/empty all of the time. Damn anti depressants. My house is a pig stye abd i only cleaned it yesterday. My toddler is at daycare i should be productive but im going to eat an entire pizza and watch netfix this arvo

In response to: Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

SaharaSenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 12:48 pm AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

Hi @Princessmolly, there is an antidepressant on the market that actually reduces your appetite. I was on it for a year and I lost quite a bit of weight. It might be worth asking your doctor about this. By the way, the weight loss was just a side-effect- the antidepressant relieved my anxiety, too, which is the main reason that I took it.

It's great that you joined the gym! Maybe you could watch something motivational on Netflix? I love netflix, personally. I am very much into the documentaries and some of the independent movies.

In response to: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

PrincessmollySenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 4:14 pm AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

I just deleted my Facebook account. Feeling FREE. The sungle biggest waste of my time since i joined 8 years ago 😨

In response to: Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

SaharaSenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 4:27 pm AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

Good for you, @Princessmolly! You are free!!

Tell your friends that you would like to keep in contact by phone and email. Find something else to do that fills in your time in a productive way... even writing here on Sane Forums is a good use of time.

Tell us more about your life.

In response to: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

utopiaSenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 8:41 pm AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

@Princessmolly. Your post touched a nerve with me on many points...
I am also overweight. Saw a photo of me taken last Saturday. I had no neck! Just chins chins and chins. Depressing.
I am a single mum and have been since my boy was 2 & 1/2. He's now 14. Did I do things during these years that wasn't smart? You bet. But I'm more careful now to make sure he is number one. And I'm doing the best I can. That's all we need to do as parents - whether we have MI or not.
Regrets. I have a few. But no I would not like to go back and re-do anything. I am who I am because of my experiences - warts and all. I wouldn't even go back to pre MI when I was hurt at work - because I am learning more about myself. I love helping people - I get joy from it. I love to read. I have a warped sense of humour. I'm passionate about human rights. I'm argumentative. I can talk under water.
You are a generous soul. U ou have a son that looks up to you. He loves his mum - she's the best mum.
You want to go back and do things differently - then do them NOW. You started that process by going to Uni and by having your son. You di not sleep around. You don't put your child in danger. You are already doing it.
Keep going. Now is the time to work on your confidence - your self worth. Time for some talking therapy. Focus on one issue at a time. Maybe self worth. When you deal with that - then you will find it easier to deal with your eating and weight issues. You can't lose weight at the moment because that food is your way of self medicating your feelings.
Focus on your confidence. I see a woman who has overcome so much. You just need to focus on those good qualities that you have - I see them.

In response to: Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

AppleblossomSenior Contributor19 Aug 2016, 11:12 pm AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

Someone told me that we are lucky if we have 5 friends in a lifetime ... and gave me the poem by Seneca ... I have settled for that ... and they dont all have to be in the room at once ... the number of friends isnt really a true test of who we are ... just as the number of lover isnt ... I was shunned at school ... maybe cos of my uniform ... my vagueness ... cos I had been to so many schools by high school that I gave up reaching out ... not even sure ... I dont really know ...

I actually am pretty annoyed by the loaded attitudes about female sexuality and promiscuity that are still out in the media ..

I have seen some of it fuelled by men and some by women ... eg ..guys protective of their daughters give them enough attention ... or overseas holidays etc ... They are the ones who have wanted to push the point in some of the christian meetings I have witnessed.... and older women angry about their situations.

I was promiscuous and experimental once I made the decision to be and left home ... not at school .. it was an all girls ladies college ... and yes I did the study ... and won the scholarships .. but when I would bump into girls later on ... would be invited to awwwwgeeees.... I had already travelled for a year overseas by then ... so could politely say no thanks ... life kept doing flip flops on me ... whatever ...

My mothers group did not shun me ... even though I was a step ... they were actually nice .. and it was fine ... cos we were still just trying to get babies/toddlers to play well together ... but after 18 months I left the area, the ex wanted to buy a house ... and I had 2 under 2 ..

Hindsight is a great help but it comes after the act ... so at some point we have to forgive ourselves for not knowing better.. but it is important to actually learn from our mistakes ... personally I dont see a little promiscuity as that big a deal .. and still dont ...

Take care @Princessmolly

In response to: Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

SaharaSenior Contributor20 Aug 2016, 8:53 am AEST

Re: So much regret....anyone else dream of a do over??

Hi @Appleblossom, @Princessmolly, @utopia,

I just wanted to add my opinion.... Personally, I do not think that being very sexually free, as a woman, is a problem at all. Sexual morality goes in and out of fashion and I doubt that there is any significance in making a judgement on it. For example, in Roman times, group 'gatherings' were all the rage and no-one thought it unusual. It was celebrated.

@Princessmolly, in regards to your past, the only problem would be if your actions were not in line with your values. If you valued chastity and monogamy but your actions did not reflect your beliefs, then you might end up with regrets. I get the impression that that is what happened with you.

Some people are very promiscuous and they are perfectly happy that way.

With other people, it could be a sign of a deeper problem, like forgoing an emotional connection and replacing it with a purely physical one- something that many women do not ultimately find gratifying.

Our society places so many conflicting pressures on women. We are pressured to constantly look and behave as though we are sexually available ..... but God forbid we actually explore the full expression of our sexual desires with everyone who takes our fancy! OMG, that would make us sl-ts, wouldn't it? It must be so confusing for young women.

I remember being very confused by it all.

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