Happy New Year 2021

@ShiningStar

Thanks for saying there is no pressure or expectations. I dont even have the energy to show my emotions. I am just in a void of nothingness/ I so desperately want to run away and disappear. I think it has reached a point of beyond overhwlem into something else. I know I am definitely heavy depressed. I just cant be bothered with things and I am losing more and more interest everyday. I remember the days when I would spend 3 or 4 days in bed when I was depressed. I havnt done it for a long time now, but I feel like doing it. I just wanto lock up my house, turn off my phone, close all my curtains and blinds, not answer the door or the phone and just be alone. I just cant deal with anything anymore.

Hi @Powderfinger

Thanks for your courage in posting so honestly about how you are feeling and the internal and external struggles you are facing. I second @ShiningStar 's comment that there are no expectations, and that this time, difficult as it is, is for you to do what's right for you.

Know that your courage in offering up your thoughts and feelings here is felt, recognised, acknowledge and appreciated.

Take care of yourself, and remember to reach out for help if you feel you're getting too overwhelmed. The forum is always here, both members and staff, to give you that gentle emotional support in difficult times. And if things seem like they're too difficult to bear, reach out to a counsellor or a support line, of which I'm sure you're aware.

That's it from me, best of wishes now,

tpb

Hi @Powderfinger

You’re so very welcome

Living with such a heavy depression can be utterly exhausting and debilitating I can really appreciate how difficult it can be to summon any amount of energy to share your thoughts and feelings and then attempt to organise these into a written response Please be reassured that I’m here whenever you feel ready and able to reach out

I can hear how empty you feel and how you’re beginning to disconnect from life and the world around you It really does make so much sense that you just want to run away and shut the world out. I can remember some very recent times in my life, when I felt so desperate to escape from everything that was happening within me and around me, that I just wanted to stop the world and jump off!

You mentioned that there have been times in your life when you’ve needed to spend some time in bed and I just ever so gently wondered if this was something that perhaps you need to do at this time to take care of yourself?

Please know that I’m thinking of you today and holding you gently in my thoughts

Sending you some hugs at this very difficult time

Take care,

ShiningStar

@ShiningStar

I wish we could be friends in real life. You are a very comforting and gentle person. In saying that it is nice to feel that from just reading your messages of comfort, understanding and support. It's giving me permission to relax and today I cried for the first time since she left. Today is the 6th day I haven't seen her and I haven't spoken to her.

You are right, it us hard to put my thoughts and feelings into a post. I find myself not being able to speak certain things at times. The feelings inside of me make me feel like I want to die. Thanks for being here because I know that you need your own space at the moment.

I do feel empty. I don't know what's behind the emptiness but it is there. I'm.bscking away from the world because I am in a lot of pain. I'm unsure if there is anything at all that can make a difference.

I understand how you felt recently. I don't even have the energy to question anything anymore. Questioning brings more answers, more pain in those answers and so forth.

I've at least worked out why I don't want to be around other people for now. It is cause my head and heart is so screwed up from the relationship I was in. I'm scared, I'm vulnerable, my trust was broken so many times and I need my space to figure out how I'm going to cope with people again without freaking out every five seconds.

The types of abuse I went through has caused it. Then I have the grief to deal with of the person I was deeply in love that I thought I knew but didn't. She was very selfish in many ways.

I have been sleeping in the spare room for quite some time as we did stop sharing our room together. I went in there today to start putting all my clothes back in the wardrobe. They are all on the bed. I couldn't cope. I started to cry. So yeah obviously not ready to move back in there.

As for being in bed and staying there. I don't know. It's a really bad habit to get into. I do sit in my couch a lot and just do nothing. Sometimes I have the energy to do something. Most people I know do care and are trying to be helpful and supportive. It's just that sometimes I feel like screaming at them to back off. I can't tell them what happened because my voice got so shut down throughout the relationship that eventually I started to shut down from expressing anything. I used to be a communicator and express myself before. I stare into space and just have conversations in my head. My words get all jumbled up when Zim speaking at times because what I want to come out of my mouth is not what necessarily comes out.

I don't want anyone to fix, rescue or save me. I just want to be supported as I go along. If I need help or advice I will ask for it. Thus is not directed to you or anyone else on here. More my immediate circle.

Thank you for your beautiful message.

Powderfinger.

Hey @Powderfinger, hope you're travelling okay. I know you've been doing it tough, and to hear that the thoughts you're experiencing make you feel you want to die breaks my heart.

I know you're able and willing to seek out support when you need it, and I hope you continue to do so. I just wanted to pop in to offer a little extra support, and let you know I'm sitting with you.

@Jynx

Thank you for posting and saying that you are sitting with me. It is comforting and I don't feel so scared when I come on here and write.

I guess for me this is enough support. I also have a support worker and I have a set amount of hours per week. She is really nice. I will be getting a new one soon as she is just a fill in while others are being trained up. At the moment, I just surround myself with safe people until I feel strong enough again to manage a siutation where people around me are not so safe.

I appreciate you reaching out.

Powderfinger

@theposterboy

Thank you for reaching out and for the support. Its really nice.

Know that your courage in offering up your thoughts and feelings here is felt, recognised, acknowledge and appreciated. Thank you.

It has not been an easy day. I do appreciate you messaging me.

Powderfinger

Stay safe @Powderfinger It sounds like it is just so painful & confusing for you at the moment. It's probably hard to imagine but this period will eventually end - "This too shall pass". I'm sure you've survived tough times before & no doubt you will survive this.

Wow @ShiningStar you've been so kind & generous with your time. That information was just right thanks. I'm so glad you've found a therapist who can understand & help you.. 4 years seems long to me but I guess there's no easy fixit! Sounds like there's a bit of pattern recognition in schema therapy & I'm still not sure how those 'unmet needs' can actually get resolved properly as an adult. I recognise that alot of my depression & day-to-day disorganisation stems from my inner critic (arising from childhood environment) but that awareness isn't sufficient to bring much change.

I hope you've had a pleasant Australia Day. Thanks again for your time & thoughts. Wishing you well on your journey

Hi @Powderfinger

It’s so lovely to hear from you - I’ve been thinking about you today

Thank you so much for your beautiful compliments and for sharing this part of your story with me It’s such an honour to be invited into someone else’s world and I just wanted to gently reassure you that I’m holding your words with the upmost respect, care and compassion There’s absolutely no judgement here and your thoughts and feelings are safe with me

It’s my absolute pleasure to be here with you and if I could, I would definitely be your friend in real life

Sitting with such overwhelming and painful emotions can be excruciating and my heart really goes out to you I’ve lost count of the times in my life when the intensity of my emotions completely overwhelmed me and I just didn’t know where to put myself or how to find relief The pain and anguish that I felt was indescribable and I struggled to find the words to explain and describe what was happening for me

Sometimes, it can be so difficult to understand and make sense of what’s contributing to our feelings of emptiness and it can take time before we’re able to make these connections I just wanted to say that I think that you’ve done a great job of being able to make sense about why it just isn’t possible for you to be around others at this time After listening to this part of your story, I can really appreciate why you feel so scared and vulnerable and it makes so much sense that you’re trying so desperately to protect yourself from experiencing any further distress and harm

I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your relationship - that sounds absolutely heart breaking I can only imagine how painful it must be for you to continue to live in a space that you both shared together There would be so many emotional triggers and it’s just so understandable that venturing back into a room that held so many memories for you was just too overwhelming

I’m so pleased and relived to hear that there are people in your life who are reaching out to offer you the care and support that you deserve However, having said that, I can also appreciate how this may feel really overwhelming and finding the words to communicate what’s happening for you may be particularly challenging - especially if the opportunity to communicate hasn’t been made available to you, encouraged or supported I can really hear your frustration and distress in relation to the challenges that you’re currently experiencing in relation to this and I just ever so gently wanted to encourage you to be patient with yourself as you work towards finding a way to organise and express your thoughts and feelings Communicating can be really difficult at the best of times, but even more so when we’re impacted by complex emotions, grief, trauma and a deep state of depression

Absolutely In my experience, what I so desperately needed was for people to walk beside me and sit with me in the emotional rubble - because that’s where I was I also needed people to be patient and gentle with me so that when I felt ready and able, I could safely and freely share my thoughts and feelings

Please know that I’m still here, sitting with you and holding you ever so gently in my thoughts until you feel ready and able to reach back

Sending you some very gentle hugs at such a difficult time

Take care of yourself,

ShiningStar