My Values & why my psychologist wants to talk about them.

Hi @utopia

That sounds like you had a wonderful sessions with your psychologist. I am so glad you got so much out of it - those 'lightbulb moments' can be so powerful, and steer our lives in an entirely new direction.

It's good to hear your psychologist is keen to spend your next sessions working on how to implement assertiveness without being rude (people often confuse assertiveness with aggression - two very different things). Assertiveness involves voicing your opinions, wants or needs, while still being respectful of others. Aggression involves voicing your opinions, wants or needs in a way that attacks, steps on or ignores others (aka being rude). Passivity on the other hand is when people struggle to voice their opinions, wants or needs at all. Since working in mental health, I have noticed so many people struggle with assertiveness, and it can really have a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves and the world around us. Feeling unheard, misunderstood or judged are signs that we are perhaps not being as assertive as we could or should be in a given situation. One place where it can be hard to be assertive is at work, where our livelihood depends on gettling along with others, especially our superiors. Has this been your experience @utopia?

Assertiveness doesn't come naturally for everyone, it's more a skill that we can learn. But once you pick it up and get the hang of it, those skills can really set you free! In so many areas of life. I am so glad you are feeling so liberated after your session today. Be sure to keep us posted with how things go in your next session! I'm keen to hear how it goes 🙂

Take care.

Hi @utopia,

I had a huge realization in therapy, very similar to yours. I had also spent many years in relationships and jobs where I was not heard and my values did not seem to be important. Consequently, I was always wearing a mask, too. I felt that I had to pretend to be happy with my situation because "that's what people do" - they put up and they shut up, in order to get by.

Wrong!!

Putting up with situations where your values are always compromised leads to depression. It is far better to leave a relationship and be alone and to leave a job and be unemployed than it is to live a lie. I found this out the hard way.

I was brought up with a moody, angry domineering mother and in order to 'get by' I made myself very small. I made no demands, I had no opinions and expressed no emotion. I carried these traits with me to adulthood. My mother made me into the perfect target for those who wished to use and exploit me, as I did not know how to stick up for myself, other than to run away.

Thank the Good Lord that I was very proficient in running away!

I became a "bolter". I was always leaving everything.

At least now I understand my reasons for leaving jobs and relationships. I now can put my efforts into finding situations that accommodate and support my values. It isn't always easy!