What 2020 was and what I want from 2021

2020 started where 2019 ended - I had a job and i had a broad plan for what 2020 would entail. I secured an internship and managed to get a full month off work for a job I could go back to.
I was making gains.

My internship started in Feb and went for about 1.5 weeks until it had to be cancelled because of roof leakages causing a huge issue with building stability. The internship was both unpaid and full time. They said to me that it would need to be completed from home. It wasn't possible for me to do all of that from home but I managed to finish off a research project nevertheless. My supervisor happily said he would give me a reference and thanked me for my work ethic.

In March I went back to work. In the first few weeks the coronavirus spread like wildfire in Sydney and yet I was still required to go to work. Due to scheduling and work vacancies I was placed at a work station which required more of me than normal. This was only for me because I didn't know what to do and people would have to train me. People there didn't like this. I pressed on. By months end I was offered a permanent role at work after completing an interview which took 3 hours as they split the entire thing up. April and May saw me back in a work station where I knew what to do unassisted. This was beneficial. I grew slightly bored with it though. I was also not seeing friends due to the coronavirus lockdown. This didn't help my MH. Gym was also shut and therefore I couldn't work out and take better care of myself.

June saw me back at the same place as I was at in March. It was hell. I hated it by the end of the first day back. I managed to press on through and I managed to do so with my colleagues reluctantly teaching me things. There was a new person there but she managed to know everything even though i had been an employ for longer. I was annoyed as it made me look stupid and incompetent - which of course i knew wasn't the case. I took the last week there off and never went back as my patience and tolerance was wearing thin. The lockdown was still going and I hadn't seen friends in ages. At this stage in my life it was work. Walks on the weekend and nothing more.

July started and I took that month off due to my health. I rested up and came within a knifes edge of quitting my job. I remember getting upset with myself as I had no idea what I was doing with myself. I reasoned it would be best to go back and at least last til the end of August. Well here I am now in December and I still have the job.

August came by and I was taught at work. New things. But not everything I needed to know. But it was an improvement. The people I was working with were new because I was somewhere I had not been before. Lockdown had ended and I saw friends again. People had changed. Things had changed.

September and October were the same to me and I was moving about with regard to work. November I moved once then came back. December is here now and then there is today when I'm writing this.

You're probably seeing a theme here - work. A lot of my challenges in life came from this area. It would often depend upon where and with whom I worked as to its affect on my MH. I think this is because it was always a source of discontent for me for so long ever since I was diagnosed with MH.

Perhaps something that really bugged me was that I spoke to a girl on a dating app for a while. But she had to move up the coast as she lost her job and residency. this really bummed me out. It hit me. Perhaps more so after about the 3rd month. I feel something could have happened... but it did not due to fate. Cruel fate. I think fate does this to all of us from time to time. She has basically ignored me now and I think I have finally let go of that story. I know she had her own MH issues. But perhaps we all did in 2020.

Here i am now in December and yesterday work was easy. Too easy maybe. I applied for the next pay grade up after two colleagues recommended it. I didn't get past the first hurdle. Oh well. I nearly went on a date yesterday. But didn't as she was too worried about covid. Oh well. I lost some friends this year because I didn't contact them. Oh well. I learned that I am very tolerant of people's bad behaviour. Oh well.

I guess I have learned to rejig my mindfulness approach to my own life. Things that were important to me that should not have been are now no longer mattering to me. Things that are important that were things I ignored are integrated into me now.

Today I have done my Christmas shopping and I am proud of the thought that I have put into my presents for my immediate family members. They are the ones I have spent most of my year with. We are getting on by.

Some things only begin to start to make sense in time. Prior to that such things are a mystery.

With all that this year has held for many of us I am a lot more spiritual than I ever was. I used to be religious, but I guess I am spiritual now. Fair to say we’ve all had a rotten year in many ways and as time has gone by this year I’m learning just how much things can go wrong…

I was also thinking of those who spent the holiday period on their own. I feel for them but I also think things like this forum are a great way for people to connect too.

I am looking at meeting new friends next year as some people have dropped off the radar and I have had my own issues in that regard - actively avoiding some people because of what they do and how they behave.

Maybe this has come about through age and as I get older and wiser I am no longer interested in the same things I once was at an earlier point. Maybe I have grown. I think I need to be more patient with myself and also with other people too.

I guess I just want 2021 to be better than this year. I will need to look into further study and specifically in business. That seems to be the best option for me thus far. Innovation and risk are interesting so I will research more into them in the coming days. I've also organised to try to catch up with one or two people as I like them and want them in my circles of social life.

I will also change my user name on here to reflect some change in me - It'll be a simple change so I will still be recoginisable.

Anyway. That does it for today's reflection. I started this earlir in the week but saved it in draft as you can probably tell by what I was talking about before christmas.

Thanks all

Hams out