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Something’s not right

No hope.

saltandpepperSenior Contributor

No hope.

I'm not sure how to get through this. And what even is the point? I know, I know, my son. He's an amazing kid and doesn't deserve an ounce of pain, and all I want is to do the best I can for him. Be alive for him. Be here with him. But sometimes, there's so much pain inside of me, that I want to give in. I don't want to have to keep trying. Yes, Christmas makes it worse. This year is going to be a sh*t storm to navigate. But things here with my family, my partner, it feels like it's falling to pieces. I'm not sure I even understand what's going on. But I know enough, I think. If I'm honest, it feels like things are getting worse with us, there's this distance. I feel like I've done something, or am doing something wrong. I know, I think I know what's going on, same issues around and around again, but I can flip a switch and fix it. And I'm not broken, it's not something to fix. It's learning, navigating, being patient, adjusting to a new normal, and hopefully moving forward. But what if they can't or don't want to? Whete does that leave us? With a lot of distance... and I feel it. And it's new. It's painful. And i feel miserable. I want things to be ok, to be better, and I want to feel loved. I don't feel loved. I don't feel needed. I don't feel wanted. I feel like the only thing I can hold onto is my son needs me to be ok, to be alive. Thats all i can hold on to. And i wish that i could take an easy way out. I wish i could and knowing I can't makes it all the more painful. I don't want to ve alive, and i feel like the only one who will ever miss me is me son. But that's big enough for me to stay alive for now. I never want to do anything to cause him pain. Ever. But I'm hurting and i want to ve selfish. I don't want to be alove anymore. Facing peole, facing what's coming, if I don't have my partner in my corner, if they disappear on me, how? How do i get through life? I don't thijnk i can. Or want to. Just a fuc*ing failure. At everything. With eveyone. Always ducking things up everywhere. I just hate myself so fuck*nh much. I wish i dodnt have to stay alive. I wish i could let go tonight. Its all fuck in f pointless in the end. We live we die, no hig deal. I wish i didn't have to keep struggling. I just wantti guvking die.

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In response to: No hope.

saltandpepperSenior Contributor

Re: No hope.

My partner came back saying they'd made a mistake. Long story short, we've talked it all through and left it at we're going to make it work.

I'm concerned about a lot of things at this point, but mostly that we'll come back to this place in a month or two. It's been brutal. I wasn't at all prepared to go through any of this. It's been an absolute sh*t show.

I've said before I'm pretty good at managing my mental health, but far out, this has knocked the wind out of my sails. I know I should be focusing on the positives, my partner came back, they want to make it work... But, they still left, my head is still spinning. Feels like they've gone and ripped out my heart to be honest.

In response to: Re: No hope.

MaggieSenior Contributor

Re: No hope.

@saltandpepper I can certainly understand the confusion of feelings at the moment. It’s understandable, anyone would feel the same.

I really hope it works out for you both. You’ve been hurt, healing takes time.

Take care of yourself. 💙💙

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