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How do people ever relax after a partner has been suicidal?

emmylooNew Contributor16 Dec 2020, 11:04 pm AEDT

How do people ever relax after a partner has been suicidal?

12 weeks ago my husband was suicidal, our second child was 3 weeks old at the time. He didn't attempt anything, but he had a plan (I have no idea what it was, I didn't ask as he told me after the fact, the only thing that stopped him was being afraid our toddler would remember). Even just writing this has me with tears runnign down my face.

His mental health has been poor since the birth of our first child less than 3 years ago. In that time he has been diagnosed with ADD to go with his anxiety and depression. He has rejection sensitive dysphoria. He has struggled with anxiety the whole time I have known him, he has stopped having panic attacks (I suspect mainly due to medication as he has not found a psychologist who has been particularly useful) but the last 3 - 3.5 years have been worse (life adjustments with kids as the main trigger). He is an internaliser. He struggles to recognise how he feels. He struggles to put it into words but basically he seems to think he is a waste of space. He is the most incredibly intelligent, selfless individual I know and one of the best husbands and dad's out there.

Every time he withdraws everything falls apart, I end up feeling like a single parent with 3 children. He tries to help but often makes things harder for me. I have some health issues at the moment myself and am running a business with only one of my kids in daycare 3 days a week, whilst trying to keep the baby happy so he can concentrate on his work whilst working from home. Due to his ADD even if we have systems in place (that he has thought of) he doesn't remember to do things, then he gets angry at himself and the self hate continues. He goes in cycles where he gets anxious, stops looking after himself (like will sit in his office in our house and not come out except to go to the toilet for longer than his work hours) because hes so stressed about getting his tasks done at work, gets to the point he can no longer function (insomnia, so tired he can't do his work - like sleeping for hours during the work day) going to bed without doing anything to help with the kids at night then not sleeping and eventually needs to take sick leave - then goes back to work and gets overwhelmed because work has gone on without him. this is happening every fortnight at the moment.

I find myself trying to give him every opportunity to talk (not so I can help fix the problems, but so I can help him remember what he needs to talk about with his psychologist as he forgets and can't clarify it unless hes spoken about it first). I also know if hes talking that he isn't suicidal. I feel so much like I dropped the ball and should have been able to see what was happening, especially since he had post natal depression after the first kid. I realised talking to my GP last week that I'm just completely terrified that I'll miss the signs and I'm completely terrified that he will get to the point of being suicidal again.

Is it possible to ever truly be rid of this fear? I know its not my job to try to fix him, that's why psychologists and doctors are there, but he doesn't access them, and a lot of his anxiety needs managing in the moment so he doesn't snowball.

I'm so lost about what to do. I have a psychologist but due to covid I can only get an appointment once a month and they are telehealth - he is working from home, we have a small house, I don't have a safe space to say all this and he is so vulnerable I don't want to make things worse for him if he heard me, he already tells me he feels like a burden. I can't just sit in the car out the front of the house as I have my daughter to care for. My GP is amazing but only works once a week and I can't see her for another month.

I'd be really interested to know how people cope long term when their partner has been suicidal before. Does the fear it could happen again ever get easier? (sorry for this very rambling post, sleep deprivation

3 replies

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In response to: How do people ever relax after a partner has been suicidal?

TideisTurningSenior Contributor17 Dec 2020, 10:48 am AEDT

Re: How do people ever relax after a partner has been suicidal?

That sounds really tough @emmyloo. I can understand being on hyperalert in case of a recurrence, and your concerns around potentially missing the signs this might be going to happen.

Would I be right in thinking it feels like it all rests on your shoulders? Because that's a lot of pressure for one person. As you've mentioned yourself, you're not alone with this- there are psychologists and GPs involved who will keep an eye out too and you're always welcome to post here for support from peers. If you're really worried, it might be good to speak with them about your concerns if you feel this might be beneficial. Please don't forget there are also services out there to support you too, such as Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Callback Service which has some great resources and a helpline to get in touch and speak with someone. You might also find this other factsheet helpful. Please take care and be kind to yourself ❤️

In response to: How do people ever relax after a partner has been suicidal?

Unknown userMember26 Dec 2020, 11:35 am AEDT

Re: How do people ever relax after a partner has been suicidal?

Hello @emmyloo

It took about 3 years before I began to relax that the medication my Mr Darcy was finally put on truly stopped suicidal ideation/ attempts. I think though that there is and will always be the thought in the back of my mind that whilst this is something to be grateful for, ongoing management of his condition is required.

Mr D did not seem to understand the point of therapy and when he shared something with me I would sometimes ask if he would feel comfortable raising this with his therapist and he usually said no. Time and time again he was given breathing/ mindfulness exercises and I was furious when after an attempt and despite clear communication that a different approach was required, the first therapist he saw refused to talk about his attempt when he was willing to and instead brought up mindfulness. I think the therapist finally understood that while Mr D was polite, he was not doing the exercises she suggested and needed to change her tack. I found that supporting his hobbies and interests helped and that if/when he was ready he would talk. We also looked at healthy eating as he had constipation and weight gain from crisis meds. Mood monitoring proved helpful, especially when it came to reducing his crisis meds.

Many things helped me along the way as a carer and one of those was the hope that was instilled in me that we can live well in spite of a diagnosis. I began to focus on how best we can manage things (as one does with any health condition). I assured Mr D I was on his team, learnt about MI and it's treatments and actively supported him, advocating strongly for him where appropriate.

In response to: How do people ever relax after a partner has been suicidal?

Pearly1Casual Contributor28 Dec 2020, 9:41 pm AEDT

Re: How do people ever relax after a partner has been suicidal?

Hi Emmyloo,

Is your partner on medication for depression? If so, it sounds like it's not very effective and he is still quite depressed and overwhelmed. This needs to be addressed by his GP or psychologist and I would really get your partner to let them know that he is not sleeping, has anger outbursts, and depressed thinking. Best wishes.

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