To Christmas or not to Christmas?

@Former-Member @Bunniekins @WinterSun @Anastasia @Smc @Maggie

Maybe I just make too much fuss. I can't contact any of those places because they will either tell me I need to leave, or wonder why I am wasting their time.

Firstly, to be clear, he has shoved me once or twice, but never struck me and I don't believe I am in any physical danger.

I have tried boundaries, gentle ones, harsh ones, subtle ones, ones his psychiatrist has suggested to him herself for me, ones he doesn't know about, ones he agrees to when he is ok that fly out the window as soon as the illness takes over. If say "remember we said" he will come back with "yes but I'm not out of control, this is justified" I've thought about secretly recording some of the conversations. Not the ugly ones, the good ones, so that shouty man can hear himself say he loves me and wants to change.

Conversely, he has some very definite boundaries that I would never cross out of love and respect.

He sees the phsychologist today and I emailed her yesterday. I often email his doctors, (he knows this) and we all agree they won't reply but have told me it helps to get updates from another's perspective. Himself won't keep a mood diary so I keep one for him. I might go to his next appointment with him.

Counsellors, crisis lines etc all tell me what you guys tell me. His behaviour is unacceptable. However, the situation is so complex and perhaps I simply over react to what he says. I should let it run off me more easily. This year has been hard for everyone. He moved in with me due to Covid and never left again and has had a very, very bad year for setbacks and anxiety. Because it has been almost relentless, since about May, my resilience is way down, hence I'm always on here whinging about it.

It is not just me he does it to. Another reason why it doesn't really qualify as DV. He thinks he’s speaking normally, tells me he was merely being assertive yet people in the doctor’s waiting room are calling security and call centre operators regularly hang up in tears.

Wintersun asks “Why do you think it’s okay to live like this ?” and the short answer is I’ve made my bed. I let myself be dragged down into this situation against the better judgement of both our families, so here I am. No, it’s not fair, but it is what it is. Perhaps a better question is “why are you complaining if you won’t do anything to change it?” and for that I have no answer.

You say I’m conditioned to his behaviour, but obviously not conditioned enough if I still let it affect me so. It is coercive control, but it is subliminal I think. I don’t think he realizes how controlling he his, and his level of control is different to the archetype abuser. He doesn’t prevent me doing anything I want to do, or buy, or wear. I have stopped going out or seeing family or friends because I’m just too exhausted, not because he won’t let me.

He controls me by moving the goal posts all the time. I am obedient and compliant by nature, I feel safe when I know what the rules are. He keeps changing the rules. What is ok, or even immaterial one day becomes a catalyst the next. I can’t keep up. This dynamic is a reflection of the chaos in his brain. He feels so much of his world, and the wider world, is spiraling out of control that he controls the only thing he can; me.

It’s also not always me he is angry with but the anger is ever-present. In the last 365 days he has not lost his temper in my presence (remember I work 40 hours a week) on only 121 days. That means that he loses his temper at some point during the day for 68% of the year. WOW.

He get’s angry when he can’t find something, or drops something or forgets something and then he’s angry with himself. He get's very very frustrated if something doesn't go right the first time. He gets angry with politicians, statutory authorities, utility providers, other people he has known for years, people he doesn’t know (like bad drivers), members of his family, his kids, his ex-wife and her family. I can often see the other side of an argument but have learnt not to point out others’ perspectives or he will then turn on me for my lack of support.

It is my failing that I find the omniscient anger just as distressing even if I’m not the cause or the target. I need to harden up, I know. I have always hated unpleasantness, and it takes me much longer to recover from one of his episodes than it does him. Again that is not his fault.

He does his best. How can I punish him for that?

As far as Christmas goes, he is so angry with his sister at the moment that his plan is for me to drive them all 3 hours down, eat lunch and drive 3 hours home again. Sounds like a plan to me 🙂

@SJT63 My counsellor and I have often discussed this subject. It’s just nor as easy to leave as it sounds, for millions of reasons.

I often thought of leaving my marriage, I’m divorced now, but he had an affair and left, not me. I wanted to, but had no idea how to go about putting it into practice.

The most important thing is your safety.

Please don’t feel like you need to stop talking here.

Listening and sending ❣️❣️❣️🥰🥰

Hey @SJT63 , I know others have already checked in and provided links to some resources, so I hope you've been able to get some support. Please feel free to keep posting here as you navigate this situation, and know we're just an email away if you need. You can always get in touch with the good folks in the SANE Help Centre too if you want to talk things through with someone.

You seem to have a lot of insight into the situation, but it's still hard, and complicated, and full of emotion. Please know that you always have a choice.

@SJT63, sorry... but everything you're writing sounds like a textbook case study of an abused partner. Some of those case studies end very badly when "He never actually hits me" happens for the first time, with disastrous results. And the fact that he has a verbally aggressive approach to every one doesn't make it any less wrong that he's aggressive towards you. The reason the helpline counsellors advise you to leave is because they've seen too many real life "case studies" and they know it's better to act before someone ends up even more damaged, either physically or psychologically.

You most certainly are not overreacting. When you "made your bed", I somehow doubt that you expected to end up "worn to a ravelling" instead of comfortably rested. It's not your lot in life to stay in that place.

And please, find the time and energy somehow to see your family and friends. Regardless of the reason, social isolation is in itself damaging. Trustworthy family and friends are our mirrors, or feedback systems. The more isolated someone is, the less they can see themselves, and it can get to the point where you "lose" yourself and don't know who you are anymore.

Whatever you do, SANE forums are here for you. But honestly, your situation is setting off the alarm bells. Take care, and think very carefully about what you need to do. It may not be the same as what you want to do.

I don't have words myself but agree with @Smc a trillion percent. Please please please take care @SJT63 🙏💙

@Anastasia @Smc @Jynx @Maggie @Former-Member @Bunniekins @WinterSun @TideisTurning

What a difference a day - and a professional, subjective ear makes.

His new psychologist rang me yesterday afternoon following their third session. He couldn't get into the one he'd seen 8 years ago until next year and she had decided not to bulk bill him, something he found unsatisfactory, so I gave him mine. I stepped aside and let Mr S become her patient instead of me.

I've said I contact his medical team and that it's not a secret. He also knows she called me yesterday afternoon.

Well, after three sessions she says I can take great hope because I have been approaching this all wrong. She is not specifically doubting his diagnosis of bipolar 15 years ago, and there is definitely some ptsd from the divorce, but her belief is that he is WAY higher up the Autism Spectrum than anyone has suggested in the past.

In the meantime I’ve been doing some more reading. I read up a bit about it when I met him because the boys are aspy, but didn’t really explore how it impacts adult relationships. So much is now explained.

It is not stubbornness that sees his demands for the world around him to be perfect it is that his mind just can’t conceptualise how others could possibly look at a situation differently.

He is not ignoring or deliberately causing my distress. He either doesn’t actually pick up on the subtle indicators (he will suddenly stop mid-sentence and ask “why on earth are you crying?”) or cannot conceive that what he says and does sometimes would affect me at all.

I’ve talked about him not letting go of things, I’ve talked about his heightened sense of right and wrong and total inability to compromise…. And WHY ON EARTH didn’t I twig a year ago?

He actually told his doctor yesterday that she was wrong, there are no shades of grey in any situation. There is black, there is white, choose the correct side.

In the past when I’ve tried to talk to him I’ve also told you all he shuts me down. He doesn’t know he’s doing it, he just runs with his own thoughts and assumes the world can follow his logic because to him it is logical. Unfortunately, the world is extremely illogical and continued compromise is the only way to navigate it. His brain just ain’t wired that way.

He is not a hypocrite because if he wants to show or tell me something I have to stop what I’m doing and oblige, whereas I am often told “please wait until I’m finished”…. So many other examples of hypocrisy which are, in fact, a lack of empathy not deliberate selfishness.

I’ve developed habits of always, immediately obliging him to try to avoid an argument, but really I think all I have to do is express my actual feelings in simple terms. “I would love to see your new plane but I have a pot on the stove right now, can I come in 5 minutes?”. That, he will understand. He will not assume I’m uninterested (as he has in the past if I’ve delayed) because I’ve presented a logical (black and white) argument.

It explains why he often yells “stop confusing me” when all I’m trying to do is find out what I’ve done wrong. I’ve done nothing wrong, and he has no idea he is projecting anger onto me.

We have had a brief talk about it and I’m compiling some literature we can look at together and discuss. For now, we have both agreed that we need to “use our words” more and NEVER assume we know what the other is thinking.

I am once again buoyed by a new scientific approach to explore and he is just happy that I am happier again because he was terrified I was going to leave. If only he knew 😊

Thank you all for your kind and wise ears over the last few days. I think I may now be able to find the right strategies to de-escalate before things get out of hand again.

xoxo

That is great news @SJT63

He's is a lucky man to have you x

Take care hun xxx

I love the idea of "safety planning." Seeking information might be a great first step to liberation when all the other logistics may seem too hard right now. I would also suggest seeing your GP for some weekly or fortnightly support talks at least. A good GP will not fob you off. For me, getting regular help from a real person I could make eye contact with meant a lot to get me on a good road.

Looks like you just helped yourself loads and with the psychologist on board. All the best