Hubby has said he wants to leave

It seems like you are in a no win situation right now @Lani Having this come so out of the blue and not at all expected is heartbreaking. You should not have to shoulder this on your own though so talking to someone that can support you would be a good start. That may be a family member, your GP or a counsellor - someone that can be in your corner and help you navigate the emotions you are no doubt going through. I hope you find the help and support you deserve

@Lani Your husband has had 12 months to come to terms with his decision to leave, you have had a few days I assume? An unfair advantage. You have every right to advise him you need time to come to terms with his announcement before anything else can be discussed. If he is a fair man, he will see that is more than fair if you to ask. You matter too.

No doubt this has knocked you for six and been a major curve ball you weren't expecting. Understandable since there seems to have been no cues or signs.

There are so many nuances and little things that happen over the span of a long term marriage. Little things, that grow bigger over time. As, I do not know your husband very nor his current state of mind, nor the many complexities there would be, my main concern is to gather the support around you. Not do it alone. It's a big hit to take in life and having genuine people in your corner that care and will be there to support you is something I suggest for you. One of the mistakes I made in life was protecting everyone else from suffering when I was the one suffering. I never got any help or support. Don't do the same as me.

I'm sorry to hear this crushing news. Please, stay with your dog. As you know they are unconditionally loving, loyal and also a woman's best friend.

Wow @Lani ,

no wonder you are withdrawing. How hurtful for you. Communication in marriage is a two way st, his responsibility was to speak up when he needed you, even if you were suffering from depression.

Marriage is a funny business, especially after a long time, and just being together does not mean that you will develop mind reading abilities at all. If he has been seriously mulling this over for twelve months, I think that there is more to his feelings, or lack of them.

I would try to get him to come to some sort of relationship guidance to get a better understanding of how he is feeling and why, and he can gain some insight into your feelings.

meanwhile go see your doctor, just to talk about it you need to look after your MH too.

peri

Well i would suggest finding a counsellor if you dont want to involve friends and family for now. Use lifeline for those dark moments where you need a sounding board and then see how it pans out.

Step back and look into your current needs and as for your hubby dont bristle if he needles you just pick your battles. Overall consider your options especially financially, put some extra money aside just in case. Even good relationships has the odd hiccough, just let it ride for now. Give yourself some time.

Hello @Lani

Edit with apologies: had my right-clicks and left-clicks nixed up. Now corrected with a few itens for clarity. ~7.30pm AWST Wed 22 Dec 21.

The following information, I hope, will help you to be able to more easily connect with other members of the forum. I have set out the details so that you can follow each step to assist with that contact.

Please don't be concerned about the number of steps, I have simply stated each step quite clearly for you. {and others} I am aware that you may be a little computer-shy, but I am hoping that you will come to have fun and encouraging conversation here on the forum. Please, relax and take it one step at a time. After a while You will be able to think, "I'm glad I got through that, it is good fun".

If something does not go correctly, you cannot damage anything,. It will just be a matter of going back over the steps.

This is the sequence of steps:

• raise the Reply box by left-clicking the Reply link at the bottom right of the message to which you wish to respond
• place the cursor in the Reply box with the mouse

• enter an @ symbol in the Reply box

• the names of the people with whom you have been speaking will appear in a drop down "banner" or "flag". {top left of keyboard}

• By left click on the name, you can select a name from the "banner" or "flag"

• You will see that name entered into the Reply box as a forum address

• { Your forum address is @Lani , mine is @HenryX . Other addresses that you may recognise from your discussions are @LadyCaroline , @Peri , @Powderfinger , @Zoe7 }

• to add more names, you just go through the same process. @ in the Reply box, select another name by left-click on the name, and continue. You can add as many names as are in the "banner" or "flag".

• {This is the first way to address other members. There is another way, but we can leave that till later.}

• When you have added the forum addresses of the members to whom you wish your message to be posted then,

• You add your message, and left-click Post and left-click Post again.

• Ignore the message " Your post has been changed because invalid HTML was found in the message body. The invalid HTML has been removed. Please review the message and submit the message when you are satisfied." It seems to have no function and is just stuck there.

• the person or people, whose addresses are entered in the Reply box, will receive a message that lets them know that you have addressed a comment or post to them.

If you want to see the messages addressed to you,

• near the top right of the forum page, just to the right of the words Guidelines & Info, is the word New

• left-click on the word New
• You will be presented with the "Your Notifications" list-page from which you can select a message

• The advice of Messages are presented as follows, in the next dot point item:-
  

• StuF @mentioned you in
  (A)> Re: Henry's Landing Strip & Hangar <
• {The link which appears above coloured teal, begins with "Re: .........." and will appear in black without > arrows <.}

• right-click on the link(A), positioned as seen above) of the message advice. A banner with the words "Open Link in New Tab" at the top, will appear.

• Left-click the "Open Link in New Tab" direction and the message selected will be displayed in a new browser Tab

• You can open each message in the same way

• To respond to a message, you then follow the directions from the top of this page, in the order shown

I really hope that these details will help you to communicate with other members more easily. I can assure you that I had similar difficulties when I was first active on the forum and that is why I now try to make it easier for newer members.

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX

@Lani @I was quite moved by your situation. What a shock for you. How hard for both of you living together with your mental health issues. It seems your consideration for eachother eg you making him meals and looking after him and he wAnting you to have a dog even though he finds it a pest shows to me at least that you care for eachother. I have been married for 31 years I've been overwhelmed sometimes and wanted to leave. I grew up in a fighting family major fights so I hate them. But sometimes they are good. Everyone knows where they stand and what can be negotiated. When things have got tense at home. I make him come out with me leave the kids at home. We remind eachother why we came together in the first place just talking about silly stuff. I don't know what you plan to do. I hope you decide something good for the both of you. I don't know what I'd do. I think you're brave talking about it. I wish you all the best LaniMerry Christmas

Hello @Lani and @Sweet_cheeks , @LadyCaroline , @Peri , @Powderfinger

I understand, from what you have written here @Lani , and the discussion on Topic Tuesday, that you are facing and dealing with a huge amount of upheaval and grief in you life at the present time. That has been over the last two years for your family and you. But the grief has, from what I can understand, been compounded for you, by the recent passing of your mother as well as by your husbands statement of his wishes. It appears to me that you must be in a whirlpool of emotions, added to by the pressures of the "celebratory season"

It may seem just the opposite for you, as it does for many, with instability occurring in your life and your sense of security threatened. You may well feel as if you are on an area of sand which seems to be moving underneath your feet.

I do hope that you will be able to apply the methods for contacting other members, that I posted for you yesterday, following the Topic Tuesday discussion. I believe that by discussing the issues that you are facing, very likely, you will receive suggestions that would allow you to view your position from different perspectives. Obviously, not all the suggestions will suit you and your situation. However, the ones that do would be considered direct assistance and the others, may be indirect assistance, in that they offer ideas, on the basis of which, you may be able to view your situation from different angles, perspectives or points of view.

I rather like the way that @Sweet_cheeks describes the way in which she and her husband deal with issues in their life. There is likely to be some difference between you and her in terms of temperament and capacity for assertiveness. However, at the present time, that may possibly be a guideline which you may be able to apply in your situation. The statement that comes to mind is:

"If we keep doing things the same way, we should continue to expect the same outcomes"

However, when a relationship becomes stuck and possibly stagnant, then doing something differently is likely to be imperative. You can ask me how I know, if you wish.

It may be that there is an element of stagnation in your relationship, that may require you to do some things differently in order to keep your relationship alive. Very likely, this paragraph comes under the heading "may or may not apply", but it might help you to "think outside the square".

I would like to see you able to engage and correspond with other members here on the forum. Your contact with others here may simply give you the opportunity to express your feelings about your position or, as many do, have some relaxed social communication and correspondence with others, that allows you to be able to think outside your immediate environment and concerns. Any and all of those options are available to you here on the forum, and you can pick and choose what ever suits you at any given time.

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX