Hi @Okay;
You've had caring responses from @utopia @Appleblossom @pip @Chadlyme. It's nice to be able to speak with people who understand hey.
PTSD and Complex PTSD are insidious. Like @pip, I sleep with the door open and my bed pushed up against the wall so I face the door.
I hope this doesn't sound presumptuous of me, but I was wondering how you'd feel about considering challenging your anniversary in a good psych ward on voluntary admission, if not this year, then maybe next year. My suggestion's more about your safety, but also to be around health proffessionals who can guide you through things. They have access to medication and specialist support when required and may be able to teach you some skills to cope better as they can see it first hand. It can be frustrating trying to express what you went through with your psych 'post' traumatic episode.
Please, I'm not trying to cause grief because I know some people have a bad view of psych wards. In my case I self admitted after calling Lifeline to ask if my mindset was odd. No emotion, guilt, worry, anger...nothing...planning my demise in a written plan so very neatly drafted. I mean, nothing wrong with that right?
I guess what I'm saying is, you're self aware and that's a gift. I wasn't. I'd do it again in a heart beat though, because it unravelled the guts of what I was trying very hard to avoid facing. And, I actually really needed the rest. Never realised how very mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually draining 'coping' can be.
My supportive thoughts go out to you this weekend.
Hope 
