Dissociation and memory

@destructive Perhaps I'm wrong, but I thought DID was a dissociative condition? And from what you've described, not being to talk and freezing up in session and struggling to stay present, sounds like dissociation to me. But, I'm new to the dissociative stuff so I may be wrong.

They way you're describing the memories, to me, sounds like trauma memories. In my experience, we can't access those memories until we're capable of handling it. Fragments might be on their way to you because you're in the safe environment of therapy?

I know it can be overwhelming getting a diagnosis, and it is a lot. But try to see it isn't such a bad thing. You're no different now than you were before the diagnosis, the only thing that changes is the help you receive. Now you have a diagnosis, you can get the right treatment.

And hey, if people moved my shit around without consilting me I'd be pissed. I have a lot of hang ups with control and needing things to be planned out. I need notice, I need time to process, and quite honestly, I wouldn't be ok about the desk thing either. I try not to see that as a fault or failing on my behalf. I am the way I am, I accept those parts of me because needing control has been born from a chaotic childhood. I understand that, I accept that, and now I know I need to plan and prep for changes. Even something others would consider small, like the desk change, it'd be a big deal for me too.

I hope you can find some acceptance here, there's nothing "wrong" about your responses. They're symptoms and they can all be managed. It'll just take time.

Getting a diagnosis is a lot to process, so take your time with it and mourn if you need to. Just try to keep in mind you're no different now than you were before the diagnosis, and now you're going to get more targeted treatment.

Take care

Thanks @saltandpepper I guess that's why I feel I'm coming undone, seeing now some things fit that and it's overwhelming I'm not sure how to cope then the idea of more coming. I feel so physically sick. It's hard because I only see my therapist every other week which is already a stretch financially and then I have to come home and parent and it feels too much.
i like the idea of being no different than before the label. I think the thing I struggle with most about it other than what it implies is what others will think of me. Now my GP has that on file too so I giess

any doctor I see at that clinic could see that. I already don't get taken seriously with health stuff and I have so much anxiety about doctors.... I think I need to be able to ask the GP about that. How it can be private or something but I striggle

to talk and ask things

@destructive Talk to your therapist about your fear around memories coming back, and together, work on some grounding techniques. Talk to them about what to do when memories come through, put together a plan. Having some snippets there doesn't mean anything is going to come barrelling out right now. You don't have to work on recovering those memories if you don't want to. Trauma memories are encoded differently to other memories, in my experience it takes a lot of time and work to get them to start coming back. I've been trying to recover memories for years now, and while I have managed to gain some insight, it's only ever been snippets, not anything more than what you've described. When I have been able to recover memories, yeah, it can be overwhelming, some are worse than others. I can relate to feeling physically sick from it, and sometimes there's not much more to do then acknowledge the pain from the memory and mourn.

If it's at all possible after therapy, try to allow a bit of decompression time. I make sure I don't go home straight away, because like you, I need to be a functioning parent. So, I've accepted that I need not just time in therapy, but time out after too. I don't do much, just go for a walk and maybe get a coffee. It helps. I try to set time aside for me to just sit with my memories and feelings, ideally I'd try to do this of an evening. Having time marked out that's dedicated to the past gives me that freedom to sort of hit pause on things that pop up during the day. So, I'm not ignoring what's coming up, but postponing when I'll deal with it. If you can do something like that and make it routine, it helps in getting through the day and not being weighed down by the memories all the time.

With regards to cost, are you on a mental health plan to see the psychologist? Helps ease the pain of cost a little.

I hear you, you're worried the diagnosis is going to result in being treated differently. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Dissociative conditions are commonly a result of trauma, particularly childhood trauma. If anything, I would think it'd help physicians understand they need to provide a particular level of care for you, a better level of care. Anything that gives someone insight and understanding into your needs has gotta be a good thing, right? That's how I see it anyway.

But look, I think those feelings of fear in response to a new diagnosis are perfectly normal. You've gotta give yourself time to process this news. It's a lot. Try not to get ahead of yourself with what may or may not happen down the track. Try to redirect your focus to working through what your diagnosis means for you

@destructive A diagnosis is a place to start. It takes time to figure out the labels that fit. I know it’s daunting, but it’s only a part of you, not the whole.

Can you contact your therapist between sessions ? An email to let him/her know how you are struggling with all the stress.

I am hearing you. I do understand the fears that go with , what’s real, what’s not, or the fear of facing the real, while wishing it was not real.

My personal experience has been to take it slowly. Things will come through in their own time.

Take care where you can. Sending ❣️❣️❣️

Thanks @Maggie I've had lots of different diagnosis so it's hard to know which one is right though. I was diagnosed schizophrenia when I was maybe 20 and I definitely knew that one was wrong. With this one I think it's wrong but it also confuses me because I knew I do dissociate. I have voices, but I don't become other people or anything. That I know of. But then I fee confused because I think is there something I don't know. And then there is other things happening that I guess put it in my face too. Just like strong reactions to random things that don't make sense but would I guess if I had some trauma related to that. The desk thing for one but then also a friend offered me their cubby house for my kid and I couldn't take it because my head went nuts about it. I'd love a cubby house.
I can email her between and do but I try not to because I don't want to chase her off. Sometimes

i send things I regret too.

@saltandpepper some time after would definitely help. Unfortunately I'm a single mum so the only days I can go is first thing on a work day. Then I have to go to work after. It's not working well. Probably added to my panic attack about the desk change. I can't ask anyone to look after him on other days.
How do you know what's a memory and what's just thoughts?

@destructive There are other diagnoses other than DID. Not everyone develops ‘‘others’, but dissociation is very real for them too.

I don’t want to confuse you. Just move slowly . It becomes clear as you are able to just move with it I think. Not easy, just a bit clearer, like some dots join up.

@Maggie Yeah a little confusion ha ha ha! Man this is hard 😞

@destructive Dropping off some 💕💕💕💕

@saltandpepper 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻❣️❣️❣️

Thanks @Maggie struggling tonight. Hope you e had a good day. Hope you have too @saltandpepper

@destructive How are you doing today ? 💙💙💙