My Mosaic

TW- eating disorder stuff

I had my case conference this morning. I honestly don’t know why I wasted my morning there. I sat in the waiting room for 45mins while they discussed me and I went in for a couple of minutes in the end. I don’t know what I was really expecting by going to it, it was asked that I be there, but that’s not what I expected. (I was told afterwards by my support worker that my dietitian did raise the issues around unhelpful conversation and that she really went into bat for me so that was reassuring).

When I was in there It was discussed that maybe I needed a seperate psychologist to deal with my eating disorder. My gp actually gave me a referral a couple of weeks ago to make an appointment with a private psychologist, but I didn’t do anything with it. 1- I can’t really afford it and 2- just not sure how that will all work. I was going to talk with my psychologist about it and see what she thought but that conversation didn’t happen. But in my case conference my CM said that having 2 psychologist might be a bit confusing and she made the comment that if I had to have just one that it needed to be to focus on my trauma cause that’s more impacting. How do I chose just one thing to focus on????

That comment felt so invalidating. Invalidating towards the constant and relentless battle that is inside my head with my eating disorder. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake of a morning, it’s always there.

I feel like since I gained so much weight while in hospital and regardless of how much I try, I can’t lose any of it, that most people on my treating team don’t see my ED as much of an issue anymore. That fatness equals health. My gp is ok with me eating once a day, her only concern is my lack of fluids. My CM wouldn’t know anything about my ED at the moment cause she hasn’t bothered to call and ask. I was annoyed that she sat there and seemed to lead this case conference when she has hardly spoken to me or seen me in months.

I am overdue for bloods and I refuse to get them done. I’m avoiding making a gp appointment. 1- if they are bad then I will be made to take supplements, which will make me well. I just want my body to give up and stop. I want my bloods to be bad so I die. But then 2- good bloods, fine numbers is really invalidating to the mental struggle that I face on a daily and constant basis with my eating disorder.

It makes me need to work harder. Started back on other eating disorder behaviours again.

@Bow I hope from the conference call that they are all on the same page now.

I agree that it is hard to focus on just one thing in our psych appt.s, especially since you have so much going on at the moment.

Please look after yourself hon, we care for you deeply here.

@Bow first off, sounds like it was such a mixed experience. Like @Snowie says, good to have everyone on the same page going forward. But also sucks when it feels like they still aren't seeing the full picture with your weight/ED and everything.

Hard to weigh up what to focus on. Trauma being the root of the ED, maybe that's where you put your energy. But also ED creating so much distress and impacting your ability to function might mean it's harder to work on the trauma stuff. Maybe focus ED first until you get to a better place, where you can then start to devle more deeply into how the ED and your trauma are intertwined.

Secondly I wanted to respond to your post from the other day! Your little one is so lucky to have mum putting so much thought into gifts. A DS is really awesome! And I know the struggle with wanting to get them things only to have their interest die out - my nephew is nearly 7 and hs been into minecraft for ages! He got a lego minecraft set for his bday last year and I think I spent more time on it than he did, lol. Now it's alllll about Legend of Zelda. Wish there was like, a toy renting company so you could provide em with things only as long as they were interested!

Aww themed parties are always a hoot! Sounds like it was super special for you 💜

@Jynx @Snowie Hopefully they are on the same page…. Hopefully my CM does her job and passes the information onto my psychologist and pdoc- as neither of them were present. Apparently my dietitian and CM debated the facts a bit, my CM trying to explain why certain things were said and then my dietitian saying how that is not helpful. I guess time will tell.

At the moment I don’t feel at all hopeful that I’ll deal with any of it. It’s all to hard. All too complex and I don’t really feel supported in any of it.

Perhaps your dietitian talking to your CM will be a good thing @Bow Perhaps your CM will handle things a bit differently now. All you can do is hope hon.

You may not feel the support irl, but you have us here to support you in any way we can 💜

Yeah I can only hope @Snowie but I don’t have much of it in regards to my CM. She really has let me down recently. It’s more my pdoc that insists on having really unhelpful conversations with me. Talking about her own weight, things like that.
Is it normal to feel manipulated by pdocs? Is that just how they work?

I know you’re here, and I do appreciate it. But I am so limited on what I can say. Things get edited. I really need the irl support.

I feel rather unwell tonight.

I'm not sure if it is normal for pdocs to be manipulative @Bow . I have to say I am lucky with mine.

It is hard to say things on here, especially with not wanting to trigger anyone else.

I know you need that support in real life. It is just not the same.

I hope you are not getting sick.

Yeah it sucks. I really miss the sane chat @Snowie i did manage to get onto the butterfly foundation chat this afternoon- which surprised me. There were 7 in the queue and I thought there’d be no way I’d get on. They are helpful, but so very time limited.

I have written alot of stuff down ready for my psychologist appointment on Wednesday.

I also seen my old psychologist today while I was sitting waiting at comm mh. She said hi from a distance. It nearly undid me. Took everything within me to stay and wait.

not getting sick, just have had very little today

I don't think the Sane chat will ever be back unfortunately @Bow Probably something to do with cuts and funding. Everything comes down to money. Glad you got through to someone at least hon.

I have my psych tomorrow and have written some thoughts to give to her. Things I can't say out loud. I hope you are able to discuss what you want with your psych on Wed.

Perhaps try maybe a cuppa at least to keep your fluids up. Was going to make myself a tea if you want to join me.

Sorry to hear you're feeling unwell @Bow - hope you're able to get something into your tum to help ease it.

I don't think it's good that you are feeling manipulated by your pdoc. Is it a case where you could request someone else?

Very glad you were able to get onto BF chat, that sounds like a great support. I wish SANE chat would come back too, I know how many of our members here really felt supported by it. Alas, I still don't know when it will be up and running again. Many changes in many parts of sane atm so hopefully things will become more available soon.