My Mosaic

I don’t really wanna let it out around my mum @creative_writer cause I don’t want to upset her and make her cry. Gotta hold it all together

Hey @Bow, you don't always have to be strong. You don't, no one does. You're allowed to experience your emotions. Perhaps for your mum, it might help her to see you grieving too. It might help her to be able to step into a comforting role, rather than being the one being comforted. You deserve to be able to express your emotions as much as anyone, I promise you.

Too scared to let anything out incase I can’t control it though @Jynx my ability to cope is already very limited. Sh urges already very high

I think that's kind of the point @Bow - letting go of trying to control (repress) your emotions and letting as much come out as what needs to come out.

I'm sorry that your SH urges are high though. Have you reached out to anyone/to a service at all to get some support? What else can you do to help make your space safer?

Sitting with you, with some big cuddles for ya 💜

Just not use to doing that @Jynx so use to just feeling so numb and not able to express emotions and cry. Don’t know what is normal anymore.

no haven’t spoken to anyone. Comm mh didn’t even really give me the opportunity to talk when they dropped my medication off.

thanks for sitting and the hugs.. could really do with someone sitting by at the moment

I'll pop the kettle on for us @Bow. I could use a nice cuppa, and we can sit together in the mess, and just be. I think I'll have a chai, with plenty of honey.

Makes sense it might feel super foreign to you to unleash everything. Heck, even having a big scream into a pillow could be helpful. I feel like we, as a society, have made it seem like having a big scream is something reserved for horror movies. But it's a very raw, powerful way to express ourselves and release pent up energy.

Sucks CMH didn't give you a chance to have a chat. Maybe jump on SCBS chat if you need to?

Hmmm @Jynx a chai sounds nice. I like mine with a bit of caramel syrup it in. honey sounds nice too.

I just managed to have a shower, it had been a while and have now crawled into bed. This getting given my meds at 4 and 5pm is knocking me out. But if I have them at like 8 or 9, it doesn’t do anything. So annoying.

yeah society does make people feel that way eh. I can still clearly remember last week when the team came and told me that my pdoc had cancelled my appointment for the following day. I have not felt that much pent up energy, emotions in such a very long time. It felt extremely foreign and very overwhelming and I think I made it worse cause I didn’t know what to do with it. I remember putting my face in my pillow, I didn’t actually scream, but I don’t know I nonverbally screamed.

how was your day @Jynx

Oooh I love caramel @Bow - always been more of a caramel fan than a chocolate fan. Butterscotch sauce is my fav!

Mm that makes sense - if you've been emotionally shut down for ages due to being in survival mode, sudden intense emotions would feel very odd indeed. Maybe next time, you'll be able to get a scream out 😉

My day was alright, got to sleep in and had a nice little walk in the park behind my house. Now just trying to sit tight against this cold! Might be time to drag the heater out. Do you have much on this weekend?

Oh butterscotch would be nice too @Jynx i buy the syrups from coles. I tried the hazelnut one but that was yuck so mum is drinking it. When the weather warms up I will make iced chais with a tiny bit of baileys in it.

the weather ain’t too bad here tonight. I don’t really have any plans the weekend. D wanted to go wander the shops this morning. She started making a birthday wish list. I met her write things down but they may have to eat until Christmas cause I already have her birthday present.

Ive started collecting books of the story with my name sake. There are so many different versions of it. And I remember when I was 7 or 8yrs old goinb to an anniversary of the original release in Melbourne. I have some papers and photos from it, so gonna try hunt them down tomorrow.