My Mosaic

Sorry to read all that's been going on for you, @Bow

(I've missed 7 days due to an awful death in the family)

I hope you feel better enough to go to your psychologist appt today...and I hope they give you a new CM now.

I managed to get myself to my psychologist appointment. Took everything in me to sit and wait in that place. I did not want to be there. I was half expecting my pdoc or CM or someone to come get me and trick me into seeing my pdoc since I missed that appointment earlier. but looks like they are gonna make me attend one way or another. They have made another appointment for Friday to see my pdoc. Sigh. What do I even do?????

my psychologist just held space for me to talk about whatever I felt I needed to talk about. I didn’t really talk about much though. I just answered her questions. It was a real effort to be there. She acknowledged that I wanted and feel that I need more frequent appointments but the way that they are structured she cant facilitate that. We also talked about the lack of care and support from my CM and she said that it’s ok that sometimes people don’t gel. So maybe they will look into that??? She said that I can always call up and speak to their team leader.

I somehow through many tears explained to her how much of a struggle it is being in that building at the moment and that I don’t trust anyone, not even her. My trust has been broken with that team with everything that has happened the last week. They are all on the same team, making decisions about me and controlling me. Last nights incident was just the icing on the cake for me.

I had previously spoken to my psych about writing being easier for me, but didn’t take anything in today. I had thought about sitting down and writing last night, getting it all out cause I knew I would get there today and get stuck. But I was too scared to write. Too scared that words would fall on that paper that are really dark and scary and then once they are out that’s it. And if I was to show her I’d be terrified about how she would respond. One of the first things I said to her today was that I wished things had ended differently.

I came home from my appointment and crawled into bed and that’s where I have stayed all afternoon. I still have horrendous withdrawals, they are just getting worse. I was heaps itchy last night so googled my med withdrawals… yep, another one. I also kept ready how dangerous it is to stop cold turkey. Sigh. And this is something they are doing to punish me.

Glad you made it to your psych appt. @Bow Getting some things out is better then nothing at all.

Perhaps just writing it all down for yourself might help. You can always burn it or throw it away or tear it to pieces. It can be for your eyes only.

I'm sorry that you are having withdrawals. They can certainly be hard to deal with and to deal with the symptoms too.

Bed sounds like a nice warm comfy place. Sitting in this space with you 💜

Here with you @Bow

Also here for you @Bow. Anything you want to chat about?

Just so extremely fed up with everything

Aww @Bow sounds like you're having a rough one. Sending you a big pile of hugs 💜

Comm mh not long ago dropped my pill off. Wanted to know how my day had been so I told them. Told them about the withdrawals. They asked if I would consider going to the hospital. Why the hell would I do that???? I am angry and frustrated that they would even suggest that.

@Bow can very much understand your anger. From your perspective, it is a pretty crappy thing to hear, and obviously not something that would feel helpful for you right now. I can imagine it was a suggestion that came more from the limits of services than understanding of your needs.

Breathe through it hun, it sucks but it doesn't have to be something that dictates your day.