My Mosaic

to be honest @tyme im not sure. he has been end stage for years. we have thought for a couple of years that this will be his last..... ie christmas. noone has ever been able to give us a time frame, but he has very obviously gotten worse the last 6 mths or so. i find it hard to be around him cause it just makes me sad. i asked mum if she wanted me to come down to the hospital, im glad she said no. i dont really want to be there. but when she called earlier to say that they were stopping treatment cause he is so sick, i hung up the phone and just sat there. i didnt cry, but i nearly did. i know that in these cases, its often pnemonia that will eventually take them, so the end is near.

i keep finding myself thinking about myself and how much i am wanting to die. feeling incredibly selfish- that stupid psych registra was right. then i get angry at myself. i need to sort myself out and be strong for mum. her husband is about to die, her son is in another state and going through chemo and she desperately wants to be there with him and then i have all my mental health shit going on. out of all of that, im the one that should be able to do something to lighten the load. but can i????? i have no support. no useful support anyways. i dont know what to do.

My dear @Bow . That sounds so difficult. I hear you don't know which way to turn. As much as you want to be able to support your family, you have your own health to consider. I also remember you saying that you haven't been able to connect to your CM (and not without trying)...that she can be so frustrating and infuriating sometimes. Then there's your psych going away, and being away at a time where you feel most vulnerable. I'm so sorry this is where things are at.

I wish I could take the hurt and the pain away from you. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to have a fulfilling life. You deserve to live life and not just be a mere existence. I hear it is so hard right now.

I'm here for you, sitting with you.

i need to have a conversation with my daughter too @tyme ive been putting it off for such a long time. i dont know how much she already understands. this morning my daughter made the comment... 'nanny can now go to the shops with us cause pops in hospital'. (mums pretty much been stuck at home for months caring for him and hasnt gone out at all). my old psychologist gave me some tips on what to say, but i just put it off. i need to do this tonight.

thanks @tyme i dont really feel like i have anyone else to reach out to. my case manager had made me feel like i cant tell her stuff and i am just so angry with community mental health at the moment. i really dont want anything to do with them. i sent my best friend a text this morning and she has called. but they up on the NSW/QLD border at the moment. im not actually sure when they are back.

It must be hard for everyone. I'm glad you were able to open up to your psychologist about it, and they have given you tips on what to say to your daughter. It can be quite confronting for children to realise something is happening but not know what @Bow .

I wonder if you can speak to Kids Helpline if you need any help or debrief after speaking to your daughter? 1800 55 1800

my mum caught pneumonia in hospital as a 90yo after having a stroke. Reading your post I didnt know people could have pneumonia for years. She was getting worse, then better then worse... Being bedbound after the stroke does not help. I was alone as well (only me visiting her), no other family. So hard. Sitting with you at this time.

Hi @scruffypuffball my step dad hasn’t had pneumonia for years if that is what you are referring to? He actually has COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) easier to just say lung disease. Doctors have only said today that he probably has pneumonia on top of that COPD. As you said, being bed bound doesn’t help, and that’s been the case for him for months now. It is often the case with folks who have long term chronic terminal illnesses that towards the end when they are bed bound, they get pneumonia and that’s what eventually takes them.
sorry to read about your mum.

I feel bad having not talk to my daughter @tyme I guess I have just put it in the too hard basket.

@Bowthanks for the clarification, it was all new to me in the last couple of months.

I can only send you blessings at this difficult time.

I guess you have to be ready for when you do tell her, so I hope you do not feel bad that you have not yet told her. @Bow Not sure if this article will help a little. I can't say I'm too experienced in this area because:

1) I don't have my own kids

2) the closest kids are my nephew and nieces and for the death's they have seen, it's more a 'celebration' that they have gone to heaven. Yes, there's sadness, but there's also an element of joy.

Please do not feel I am down-playing how difficult this must be for you. I'm more saying that I'm not experience. I apologise in advance if it comes across this way.

At the same time, I know you will do you best in telling your daughter.

Thanks for that article @tyme it was helpful to read! She’s just got home from her fathers and is enjoying an ice cream. I’ll let her sleep in my bed tonight and have a chat with her then…. I’m scared. Nervous. Anxious. Just don’t know how she will respond.