I seen the registrar early this morning. He said the consulting psychiatrist was away today so I wouldn’t be seeing her today and he wanted me to stay to continue the ECT prep (still needed a chest X-ray). I said I just wanted to go home and as I had not agreed to the ECT not to worry about or I asked whether I could go home for the weekend and come back on Monday- he doesn’t have the power to make that decision. I again said don’t worry about it then, I’ll just go home. He was very hesitant and said he would see if another consulting pdoc could review me.
just before lunch my mum messages me saying the registrar had called her and told her I was staying to have ECT. WTF????
I went looking for my nurse
The registrar comes back 2 hrs later and says after consultation with the psychiatrist and folks in the community they were going to schedule me and not let me go home. What the h*ll??? I asked why? Who did they speak to?? He would not listen to me. I tried explaining that I had done the right thing, I had been complying, eating, I wasn’t having any SI, I tried explaining what lead to my admission, why I was here and that I wanted to go home. He wasn’t going to budge.
I called and spoke with my case manager and asked why she wouldn’t let me go home. She wasn’t aware of any decisions and she wasn’t the person in the community that the reg spoke to.
I went to talk with a nurse, told her I wanted to know the reasons why I was scheduled, who they spoke to in the community and that I wanted to go home. She said she would escalate it.
the NUM came to see me. I explained everything to him. Wanted to know their reasoning around why they thought I was not safe to go home. Who they spoke to. I said I wanted to see an actual psychiatrist, not just have someone over the phone make such an important decision (scheduling me) considering they hadn’t actually met me and making this decision based on nothing.
a psychiatrist then came to see me. I sat down calmly and explained everything to her. She actually listened. I explained the whole ECT thing to her. That I had no agreed to it, but that I told folks that I may possible consider it as an outpatient and also explained my hesitation due to the long term side effects from my early 20s.
we talked about my si. That it’s something that I deal with on a regular basis and as it had been rather severe and chronic the last while, my team had been suggesting an inpatient stay, which I eventually agreed to as a short circuit breaker. I told her I hadn’t had any SI while in here but acknowledged that it will probably come back but that I am honest with my team and reach out when I need it.
she agreed to let me go home! I did wanna go huh! To the reg sitting there that scheduled me. But I didn’t. I thanked the pdoc and walked back to my room.
How do you determine the line between overreacting and just being assertive?? I did cry. I was angry. I always worry about having a BPD diagnosis and people seeing things I do as being manipulative???
this was my biggest fear though. Being honest and coming in here voluntarily and then not being allowed to leave. And this is exactly what happened. I believe a big part of the reg not letting me go home is the whole ECT thing. He believed that that was why I was here, that my community pdoc wanted me to have it. But that was wrong.
im glad I’m on my way to getting out of here. I won’t be home to pick my daughter up, which is what I really wanted, but I’ll still be home today.
sorry this has been so long, if you got to the end, thanks. And thanks for letting me write updates on here. It kinda helps me process things.
